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We continue with the mini-series on the topic of beliefs. Have you read the No. 1 belief yet? If not, then go and do it right now.

Today, we are talking about a similar belief that mothers have, especially shortly before or after the breakup. It is closely related to last week’s belief, but emphasizes another aspect: that of drawing boundaries.

Being able to set boundaries is a supreme discipline, especially with a toxic Ex! And it’s extremely difficult for empathetic mothers, because most of them want to give, give, give and be kind, and their own boundaries are seen as “evil” and selfish.

Your Ex feels this like a seismograph, by the way. And takes full advantage of it.

A narcissistic personality disorder is already associated with excessive intrusiveness and an overwhelming urge for control.

The more limitless you are, the more your Ex can expand into your life – into your privacy – and cause emotional chaos.

There is something else going on with the belief that “If I don’t set limits and make demands, he will do it voluntarily because it is best for the child.” Namely, the belief:

“But as a parent, you know that!”
“It goes without saying that this or that cannot be good for the child!”

“Common sense tells you that – even someone who doesn’t have children wouldn’t do that!” and also
“It’s logical that he has to pay me child support now. I can’t be financially responsible for the child alone?”

However, a narcissist never considers or thinks about what is good for someone else – not even for his child. First comes he, then his interests, his hobbies, and above all, his money

Everything else (such as handing over the child) are just appointments in his calendar.

He thinks in terms of demands – it is HIS child, which you took away from him by moving out.

It does not even occur to him that the child has needs or that it may sometimes have to be put first due to illness or special circumstances.

So please don’t count on him realizing it himself.

He is also unlikely to come to you and immediately transfer an appropriate child support payment, let alone one based on the Düsseldorf table. Not to mention separation maintenance for yourself if the child is still under 3 years old and you have been at home so far.

Fear of his reaction

Surely demands and limits will not be set if you are afraid of your Ex and his reaction.

In my personal case, I was particularly reserved because I learned very early on that my Ex reacted extremely sensitively to my half-hearted attempts and became particularly angry and aggressive.

The path of least resistance may help you in the relationship if he does not yet attack the child to weaken you.

If you are separated, you absolutely must define your own boundaries and also clearly formulate what is appropriate for the child and the separation.

Let’s go through the two things:

Set boundaries – first for yourself

I have already described this in many blog articles, in this one you have summarized everything wonderfully at a glance.

Please be clear: setting boundaries does not make you the bad one (your ex already takes on that role), but it protects you and your emotional balance!

You set the limits only for yourself!

Formulate demands

Okay, instead of demands let’s find another word for it, shall we?

Because the word demands will not only upset your ex, but also the conditioning you have developed over the years of your relationship to NEVER offend your ex with demands. Otherwise all hell will break loose!

So we avoid anything that could force the ex to do something or make him feel like you want to dominate him and that YOU are telling HIM how to discipline him.

Therefore, you do not make any demands on him, but give him advice (regarding the child and what is pending) and ask questions (e.g. whether he himself has an idea of ​​the maintenance payments for you and the child).

Information on what is important for the child

Formulate objectively what is important – and only once. Limit yourself to the essentials and don’t get lost in the minutiae. Depending on the child’s age, this could include topics such as naps or medication and safety aspects if you notice something that the child is not doing (e.g. buckling up or putting on a bicycle helmet).

He probably won’t care much about what you say or write to him – he just doesn’t care.

Whether he does it or not is up for debate. But you have formulated it and now you have to let it go – everything else is out of your control.

These notes are intended more for your documentation purposes .

Questions about maintenance

Right at the beginning, you ask him an open question about how much maintenance he would like to pay. If he doesn’t respond or if he comes back with a ridiculous amount, you should immediately hand the matter over to the youth welfare office’s guardianship service. They will then officially sort it out on your behalf.

Don’t get involved and don’t get involved in the discussion.

In summary

Do not assume that a narcissist will decide in the child’s best interests and take all necessary steps to ensure that everyone involved is happy!

You ask once at the beginning to give him the chance to react – just for the sake of form. Don’t set your expectations too high though – you should expect that he won’t act in the way a father would want him to.

Set boundaries and protect yourself.

Your new beliefs could therefore be:

“I know my limits and I make sure they are respected.” and
“I am allowed to give advice about the child, even if the ex will not implement them.”

How do you feel about it, sweetheart? Do you know the belief above and did you have it before? Then please leave us a comment below – thank you!