​On our journey after breaking up with a toxic ex-partner, we usually go through several emotional stages: from deep despair and sadness to helplessness and anger.

This anger then often turns into an exuberant urge to ridicule the narcissist and fantasize about how we could annoy them.

We imagine ourselves standing in front of him holding hands with a new man or giving him the finger at the window as he walks past.

And these fantasies seem to do us good. Doesn’t it look like we’re over the hill? That we’ve made it through the vale of tears and are now stretching ourselves vigorously and giving the middle finger?

That we’re having a good laugh about what he did in the last email?

Oh, that projection again! What a weirdo / moron / loser! He is sooo sick!

The gloating may get stuck in our throats at the latest when our child comes home with the next dad slogan that has been placed on his tongue and in his soul – but hey, it’s still better than a year ago, when we were a heap of misery and never believed that there would ever be an escape from the seemingly hopeless life situation that forces us to raise our child together with a pathological narcissist.

Didn’t you?

Sure, that’s true. But this current state of mind is not yet the goal you should be aiming for. It should just be a phase and you need to move on, move beyond it.

Our healing journey is a long one. Very long.

No, you won’t get to a 10 on your perceived emotional scale within a year.

If, like me, you are one of those impatient women who would rather have reached their destination yesterday than today, I must ask you to be patient and forgiving with yourself.

Our journey is also dependent on the overall dynamic that accompanies us. On the very specific toxicity of your ex, his energy and his financial ability to pursue one court case after another.

And even if it seems like you’re moving at a snail’s pace from one day to the next – looking back, the separation and all the trouble with your ex will catapult you forward in your development much faster than you would ever have experienced with a “normal” man.

Because you’ve probably already realized that this is a huge learning task in your life.

• What can I do to build up greater self-esteem so that I no longer attract guys like this?
• What can I do so that I am not a helpless victim in court, but stand up for my truth and represent it clearly and consciously?
• How can I grow beyond myself and guide my child through this storm in the best possible way?
• What can I do to prevent my current sense of well-being from being blown away by my ex with an email?
• How can I take care of myself so that my boundaries are not trampled on again and again?

You can’t just learn all this in a single day. It’s a process that you should go through consciously and at a pace that suits you and your circumstances.

However, you need to be aware that you still hold the reins in your hand, even if you can’t feel them on your fingers because they are already clammy.

You may have already learned a lot in theory. You’ve bought books about narcissists, devouring all the information you can about what aspects there are that will help you to finally understand certain incidents in your relationship in hindsight.

But it’s still something else when it comes to putting it into practice.

Identifying the problem is one thing. But actually feeling better is a completely different matter.

What will help you through each emotional stage

At the very beginning of your journey you’ll feel bewilderment, confusion, despair and uncertainty. You may be stunned upon gradually realizing what has happened to you.

In this phase, it is actually best to deal intensively with the topic of narcissism.

Information helps to make things more objective.

If you have read enough about projection, then you can assume that the nasty remarks he made that hurt you so much were not directed at you, but at him.

If you notice that you could be slipping into depression, get yourself a good therapist quickly to help you get your mind and perception back on track.

You can also join virtual mothers’ groups, such as my Mighty Moms group on Facebook. Here you will find concrete help in your everyday life with your toxic ex. Nothing is more reassuring than learning that you are not alone in this experience.

When the anger phase comes, it is important to use it powerfully rather than destructively.

I myself recommend never letting your Ex sense your anger. This is simply because these boys are simply above us with their toxic anger.

We shouldn’t cower, but we also don’t need to provoke a bull so that it overruns us. Your safety comes first!

We can use anger in a different way: By acting more decisively. By exercising and doing something for our bodies. We can even get involved in politics if we have the strength and energy to do so.

Anything is better than formulating an angry email to your Ex in this state of mind à la “I’ll show him now! He’s going to look around!”

If at some point you reach that “what a jackass” phase and start collecting quotes on Pinterest or Facebook, then consider that a transition too.

Oh, finally a laugh again!

It’s always a welcome change in the mothers’ groups. There’s far too much drama and despair there anyway.

​But you’ve only really reached your goal when you’re simply no longer interested in him

When you realize that you don’t react angrily or amused when he makes a move.

When you think “Aha.” or “Oh.” inside and then carry on with whatever you’re doing at that moment. And you just don’t itch anymore. You don’t even tell your best friend.

• Your ex goes shopping in the house across the street? Oh.
• The kid tells you about a new girlfriend of the Ex? That’s interesting. *yawn*
• Your Ex writes a nasty email. Lands in a separate mailbox. You don’t know when you’re going to read it. And you forget about it. Oops.
• Your ex has a new car, even though he’s cut his alimony as a freelancer? I see.

A nice side effect of this attitude: Ex gradually loses interest in trying to satisfy his energy needs with you.

There’s nothing else you can do to wear down a narcissist more than indifference.

That’s your goal, sweetheart.

Nevertheless, don’t demand the impossible of yourself. You can’t be there yet if you’ve only recently broken up with him. And achieving that attitude when you’re covered in multiple lawsuits in the meantime is also pretty damn difficult.

But if you’re still looking for a mental goal – THIS is it.

Indifference to your ex is your mental freedom, which makes anything possible.

Because when you’re free, you can focus on what’s really important in life: your own development. Being a good role model for your child. Building an independent life in which your own strengths and talents can blossom and be lived.

I accompany mothers with toxic ex-partners in exactly this direction. Talk to me if you would like to work on this attitude.

Even if you are still at the very beginning of your journey.

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