Every morning in my Brave Moms Club, I have a powerful coaching prompt that invites moms to think extra hard about a topic and then comment.  For example, the topic of “setting boundaries.”

This moves the whole community forward tremendously – most importantly, it allows patterns to emerge that I can go into more detail about in my subsequent Brave Moms Club newsletter.

However, one impulse from the answers was so interesting that I would like to discuss it with you here.

I don’t yet know exactly where this thought journey will lead – after all, I don’t have a ready-made solution and answer for everything!

My question to club members was:

With whom in your immediate circle of family and friends do you need to be more mindful of your boundaries?

And the answers actually came from the same corner for the most part.

“My mom!”

Terms like encroaching, overbearing, controlling, self-absorbed, holds the family strings, etc. came up.

Even the women who had long since broken off contact with their mothers reported that they stayed in the background and used other family members as spies, so to speak.

The one or other sister also came forward, but rather in her delusion of protection with disregard for boundaries.

But also their own children.

And that’s what I want to think about out loud with you in this article. Because the idea that we need to be able to separate ourselves from our own children the way we do from our own narcissistic mother – or at least something like that – causes my stomach to growl. It doesn’t feel right – even though, of course, this thought affects me as much as it does you: we all don’t want to be, and shouldn’t be, martyrs for our children, taking everything from them!

How you can better distance yourself from your child is something I will discuss with you below.

But first, let’s talk about your mother.

What common ground can we draw from this question?

Have you noticed that the problem of setting and recognizing boundaries seems to be unique to women?

Sure, there’s the occasional narcissistic, controlling father – but it really seems to be more our generation of mothers who constantly challenge us to enforce our boundaries.

Not every one of these overbearing moms is narcissistic – but this not being able to let go, this always saying what you have to do (with the ex, with the kid, with work) – it drains an incredible amount of energy, especially when the mom comes from a completely different school of thought than the one we’ve been painstakingly reading and adopting over the past few months that will keep us going.

Energy that most of us lack anyway in this stressful daily life with the toxic Ex, not to mention a court date!

This is where lowering the barrier for a moment and asking for time to yourself should really help: This is your limit, up to here and no further!

And if your mother is really toxic, then you know how it goes – No contact! You don’t have another chance if you really want to protect yourself. The likelihood that a toxic person – mother, ex or boss – will understand your request for distance and time is close to zero, but you already know that.

No contact! really means no contact! – with all the consequences.

In other words, no more emails. No more birthday or vacation greetings. No more visits.

This will not endear you to the family. Even the cousins with whom you may have had sporadic nice contact may turn away with incomprehension.

Yes, being authentic means not trying to please everyone!

Quite difficult for us harmony-addicted, empathetic women!

Let’s talk about your child now.

Depending on how old your child is, he can be quite – let’s face it, right? – annoying.

He’s annoying when he screams like a banshee for hours or throws a real tantrum. He’s annoying when he wants to talk about brushing his teeth again, even though you’ve already discussed it a hundred times.

He insults you. He bites you. He kicks you. He yells at you. He doesn’t keep agreements like taking out the trash or doing homework. He lies to you, steals money from your wallet, and doesn’t like the hobbies you keep offering him so he can get out of the house for a change and not just hang out at home.

He always bursts in just when you’ve just sat down after doing 1000 chores and want to have a nice cup of coffee in peace or just lie down in front of the TV and turn off your brain.

Or he constantly interrupts you when you finally get to call your girlfriend after months (you even had a date!).

Or your child is so extremely ADHD that you get shot at from all sides, “She can’t control her child!”

All your child seems to do all day is yell, “Me! Me! Me!”

Actually just like his father…. 😳

So, where are you?

You may have been following me for a while now, and you know you’re allowed to have boundaries and you should demand them. 

With the Ex, this is especially important.

So if the behavior between the father and the child is similar, the idea is that you step in early and signal to the child that he or she is not allowed to cross that boundary.

With the child’s adult father, we still feel powerless and helpless from time to time because the guy is willingly crossing the line. But with the child, we feel stronger – because we’re still the adults and we call the shots in this household!

Not you now, too! You can’t do that!

And then comes the fear: Will my child perhaps become just as narcissistic as his father? Aren’t there already studies that say that narcissism is 50% inherited?

50%! Oh God, oh God, oh God!

If you catch yourself thinking this, let me reassure you: Let it be inherited – those genes don’t have to be activated for long. Then socialization still plays a weighty role, because after all, you’re in it!

With a narcissistically disturbed man you make one thing clear: These guys have stopped in their development with the emotional repertoire of a 5-year-old.

Your child is quite normal – childishly selfish!

And if he is already far over five years old and this argument does not really apply any more: Then he is pubertally egoistic and must detach himself from you. This is also completely normal.

Now back to you

Should you put up with everything with your child now?

No, of course you shouldn’t.

Your child should learn how to treat others – with respect and without hurting others, either verbally or physically!

Setting boundaries means asserting your own self lovingly in front of others.

To represent one’s own values with self-confidence. To recognize and allow this very individual combination of preferences and needs. And if others do not immediately agree, to leave it up to them to deal with it. Not to bend just because the other person has a problem with exactly what you are and can’t handle it.

For example, that you like coffee and not tea. That you’re a night owl and not a morning person. That you need a distance of one and a half meters and don’t want to be smooched off as a greeting. That you need your own weekend to recharge your batteries. And that you’d rather read than go to the gym to recharge your energy reserves. Or that you’d rather drive than use public transportation. 

The list goes on and on.

How can you set limits on your child’s overbearing behavior now?

I’m no educator, but I think you can guess where this thought journey is going, right?

If you show your child how you respect and honor his boundaries, you can more easily explain your own boundaries to him.

What are your child’s needs and basic idiosyncrasies?

Of course, as he develops, he has to find himself first – but is he one of those people who doesn’t like to be smooched as much as you do? Or who need a foot and a half of space? Or who, after having to sit still for hours at school, first need to let off steam physically?

What values does your child have? What is important to him or her?

Understanding is the first step. And being mindful of yourself.

You are the adult, my dear. Your child has yet to learn all of this – and it may take longer than a month, six months, or even two years. 

Just one thing: the boundaries you need to set with the ex and toxic people around you are DIFFERENT from the ones you set with your child.

Boundaries delineate. They create a barrier, maybe even a wall.

You don’t want a wall between you and your child!

But neither do you want the other extreme: to be boundaryless.

A borderless mother is spongy, intangible, diffuse, not clear. Like a mass that sucks up everything that comes too close to her.

You don’t want to be like that either, or did I just describe your mother?

On the contrary, I want to give you another image for your head

That which connects you to your child is an incredibly strong, elastic bond. In the beginning, after birth, it is still relatively rigid, tight and closely connected to you.

Over time, it becomes longer and more flexible, until by puberty it’s just a thin rubber band – strong enough to be stretched endlessly without breaking.

And that band, removed over the years, also defines your boundary with your child.

Please don’t build a mental wall or barrier between you. Your child needs to be able to see and feel you. He is not your Ex, even if they are very much alike.

Your child is developing into a strong personality on his own (no doubt – with THE mother!) 😘. 

And that’s exactly the kind of bond you have with your non-toxic but occasionally abusive mother. To her, you’re probably still the little girl she has to explain everything to. 

Maybe this metaphor would be a way to explain your boundaries to your mom.

What do you think?