Perhaps the idea is still totally absurd at the moment because the aftermath of your last relationship with your narcissistic ex is still weighing on you. Not to mention the fact that the toxic father of your child is probably still stalking you on a daily basis and trying to make your life difficult.

You’re overwhelmed, your child is affected — how is a new partner supposed to fit in? Who wants to put up with “someone like that”?

If you still feel that way, sweetheart, then I have to ask you to do more inner work first before you venture back onto the dating scene.

As long as you’re not 100% convinced that you’re the ultimate lucky strike for a man, then there’s a damn good chance that you’ll immediately fall prey to the next narcissist.

I wouldn’t want to take that risk!

So stay away from Tinder & Co if you want a partner who is supposed to convince you that you are a great woman — or because you would so love to have a man by your side.

And even less so if you want to compete with your ex, who instantly romanced the next girl after you and moved in with her. Revenge or envy are never good advisors.

Let me tell you something, sweetheart:

A man is damn lucky if he finds a woman who has freed herself from the clutches of a narcissistic relationship AND who bravely and courageously faces everyday life with a nasty-tempered child father.

Who, despite terrible court proceedings, lovingly accompanies her child and manages her life!

Happiness for a man

What could be better for a man who is your equal, than a woman who is warm-hearted, who continues to develop, who constantly reflects and works on herself, who helps others (yes, you do that, don’t you?)? If you’re in a moms’ forum, you do that with every post!) and who takes responsibility?

What man who is just right for you wouldn’t fall in love with you immediately if you clearly and confidently express your values and personality?

What do you think? Does a man who’s right for you want a boring woman who can’t manage anything herself apart from housework and her looks?

Of course, this assumes that you are already aware of all of this — what you do every day (without adopting an attitude of reproach or martyrdom), what your values are, and what is very important to you.

Not that your future partner shouldn’t like soccer or whether or not he rides a motorcycle.

But what is important to YOU in YOUR life — what gives you energy, what makes you light and happy.

If you know that, then you know when you will never compromise again. Then you know your boundaries.

So if you relax by gardening and you love roses, then you will say a firm no to a man who prefers to live in a loft in the middle of the city and expects you to go with him.

If integrity is important to you (and not just as a nice word that sounds nice in your profile) and you live by it, then you won’t get together with a man who brags about getting too much change at the till and pocketing it (preferably with the words “It’s your own fault — why doesn’t the cashier pay more attention?”). Or employing a domestic helper illegally.

If you’ve found a man who shares your most important values, then it doesn’t matter if he loves soccer and you don’t. Whether he rides a motorcycle and you don’t.

So: are you clear about your values, sweetheart?

Take a moment and get crystal clear about this first.

Once you’ve had your first few dates with men, it’s not that difficult to separate the wheat from the chaff.

You’ll quickly filter out the obvious douchebags. There won’t even be a second date, don’t worry.

That’s why I won’t go into detail here about what you should look out for on the first date. The first meeting is usually harmless – you can handle it easily without any guidance!

The most important months are the first three of the getting-to-know phase

This is when you get to decide for yourself whether you want to get involved with this man and go deeper or not.

It becomes interesting when a man triggers something in you – great sympathy, magnetic attraction, sexual desire.

How do you know exactly whether he might be a narcissist again? Covert narcissists in particular often fly under the radar of the obvious.

Narcissists also latch onto the gaps in self-esteem with somnambulistic certainty – even if these have already been made pretty damn small. So if you still have some, narcissists can come knocking again.

In the first few months of getting to know someone, it is extremely important that you pay close attention to your gut feeling. And that you also give yourself permission to see yourself as so important and valuable that you are allowed to choose and that you shouldn’t let your guard down again.

You must therefore weigh up and scrutinize even the smallest annoying thought that pops up shortly after he has said or done something.

No, there is no such thing as the perfect man who never makes a mistake during the getting-to-know-you phase! That’s not the point either. You’re not perfect either and you will make mistakes.

It’s about comparing the red flags – which you’ve already internalized in your gut feeling – with what he says and how he acts (although the latter is more important – we are all familiar with the verbal bullshitters, right?).

​Your red flags

If you want to be sure that you are not emotionally attached to a narcissist, pay attention to these red flags:

• Does he treat you with appreciation and respect? Is he punctual and courteous?
• Is he interested in you and wants to know how and what you think about certain political or social events?
• Does he like to laugh? Even about himself?
• Does he pass judgments often? Not necessarily on what you do – but more importantly, on what others don’t do right in his eyes?
• Does he scold others often?
• What mistakes has he already made and what has he learned from them? How has his life changed over the last 10 or 20 years?
• How does he talk about his ex-wife? Does he have a good relationship with her?
• What is his relationship with his children, if he has any? Does he know the strengths of each of them? Does he talk about them lovingly? No, “I love my children and they come first.” is not enough!
• What goals does the man have? What expectations does he have for a fulfilled life? Do his wishes coincide with yours?
• Do you know his three most important values? What are they?
• How did he deal with the biggest crisis of his life? As an ostrich, a gladiator or a phoenix from the ashes?
• If you are very firm and clear about something – how does he react if it doesn’t necessarily coincide with his own opinion? Is the discourse open and constructive?
• Do you feel that you are allowed to have a different opinion?
• Can you show your strength without making him feel small? Can you talk about your small successes without him dismissing them?
• What gifts does he give you? Remember: not everything that is expensive is automatically great. Does it leave a stale aftertaste?

As I said, Sweetie: You don’t have to do anything and turn your opinions around to please him! You just have to be.

You are the jackpot for an “equal” man.

The sooner you make your boundaries and values clear and listen to your gut, the better chance you have of weeding out the next narcissist early on before it’s too late.

Do you have to have a man to lead a happy life?

No. But I am convinced that if we isolate ourselves and remain alone after a disastrous relationship with a narcissist, we are not living our social lives to their fullest potential.

You understand what I mean, don’t you?

Take all the time in the world to actively or passively search for your next partner. Keep your eyes and especially your heart open to a new, healthy and wonderful experience.

There are good and loving, mindful men out there, sweetheart. Men who are looking for women just like you and who won’t settle for anything less.

How do you see it? Have you already met a great man? How was it for you? I look forward to your comment below.