Sweetheart, you must be brave right now, provided you’ve only been following me for a short time and you’re still very freshly separated from your toxic narcissistic Ex:

It is as certain as the amen in the church that your Ex will manipulate the child you share.

Many mothers who are just at the beginning of the separation are often stunned by the 3-year-old, acting wildly, who vehemently resists getting into the car after the contact with the mother, because he has been told something by the dad shortly before, which frightens him terribly.

Or the adolescent goes straight to his room after contact in silence and with a nasty look and does not dignify the mother with a single glance.

Or the child no longer wants to go to her for contact after the father has won the right to determine the place of residence in court.

Or in discussions with the expert and the legal counsel, the 9-year-old child, driven by his own awakening sense of justice, reproduces the father’s wish as his own, because the father has successfully presented himself as a suffering victim.

Without question – this is really bad, and leaves us as mothers standing stunned with only one question in our minds:

How can he? How could he do this to our child?

How can someone who has a loving heart say such a thing to just one little, innocent child?

How can someone who trumpets everywhere that he wants to spend more time with his child because he loves and misses him endlessly, do something that is obviously not good for the child and whose welfare everyone with a common sense – and especially every helper of the system – demands so vehemently from the parents?

And anyway: why does no one see this?

Why don’t any of the professionals see this? Are they blind or deaf? Am I the only one who can see the connections so clearly?

And then inevitably the one question comes up that always reaches me:

“Heidi, how do I make it clear to those involved in the support system and to the judge that the child is being manipulated so that the Ex can officially get a smack on the head?”

The difficulty is that you are the other, non-neutral party in a conflict that is openly played out in front of third parties.

And any outsider will think, “Yeah, sure she’d say that!”

You know that, right?

You also get how your toxic Ex cleverly has the VB or opposing counsel wrapped around his finger, and even the judge obviously can’t resist the man’s charms.

Congratulations if he is a highly respected and popular celebrity to boot!

There it becomes really difficult to say goodbye once and for all to the belief that the Ex always gets everything he wants!

But this is exactly a very elementary point that you MUST address mentally if you don’t want to play into his hands.

Other mothers then go one step further and lose themselves in considerations, what they can do on his part, in order to pull the involved ones on their side.

In other words: how they themselves can manipulate the general mood in their favor.

Sweetheart, I now look you firmly in the eyes and tell you: Forget it!

Your narcissistic Ex is simply superior to you. He can do that better than you.

In the end, you put yourself on the same level with him, and your judge has difficulty recognizing who is the better guardian for the child.

Especially when such amateurish attempts at manipulation are made with an attitude that a blind man can sense from 100 meters away is not genuine.

You won’t win any board if you in your turn start stirring in the manipulative soup.

Quite the opposite: You are doing yourself unbelievable harm.

Not only will you lose your sovereign composure by doing so, because you’ll appear inauthentic and get tangled up in what you’re saying, but you’ll also be putting your own integrity as a non-toxic parent at risk.

Or do you think all weapons are justified in the fight for a child?

No.

No ABR in this world justifies the loss of your integrity.

So you can put this thought aside right away. Manipulation is not your thing anyway.

But don’t you notice anything?

Don’t you notice how much you go in the direction of what others think of you? What they think of you?

Be it the judge, the guardian ad litem, the opposing counsel, the former neighbor, mutual friends, the mediator – and your child?

Isn’t that what’s stressing you out?

What does your manipulated child think about you, when he constantly hears that you are not a good mother and that you don’t love him properly, otherwise you would grant him more wishes – including spending more time with daddy?

You know very well that you could speak on the tongues of angels, but your child does not believe you because you yourself are not 100% convinced that you are a good mother.

Just because you are constantly told by others what you are doing wrong!

You also still have the words of your own mother in your ear, who herself could not give you great self-esteem.

So it’s kind of true after all.

Your innermost being, on the other hand, roars with indignation – because it knows the truth.

And the truth is: you are a fantastic mother – the most perfect mother for this child!

Whenever you feel like crap, sweetheart, the more you are at cross-purposes with your inner wisdom, which is deep inside you, and which is free and innocent of all the bad beliefs you picked up at some point in your life!

The only chance you have to reach your manipulated child is to model your values in alignment with your Self.

This also makes clear why you currently have no clarity in your head when you try to explain something to your manipulated child.

This means that you have to work on yourself first and foremost, so that you do not let yourself be unsettled by any half-silly statements of your child.

Your child senses your attitude like a seismograph. If it is in line with your inner self, you radiate sovereignty and integrity – and these are the guardrails that children and adolescents look to for guidance.

Your Ex, if he has narcissistic personality disorder, is literally disturbed in his personality.

If, on top of that, you react insecurely to all of your Ex’s antics and jump in square whenever he serves the trigger points, the less your child will find orientation.

And the more he distances himself permanently – from both of you, by the way.

Because even narcissistic manipulation, even if successful at first, will not remain successful in the long run. It is just an artificial house of cards, which will collapse as the child gets older.

Let me recap here what you should definitely keep in mind from this article:

1. Don’t try to emulate your Ex because you think you only have a chance to score points with the court and the support system with manipulation skills.
2. On the other hand, immediately turn your focus to yourself when you realize that manipulation attempts are stressing you out.

Keep realizing who and how you really are and stay true to yourself. Connect more and more often with your inner, wise, loving voice and follow it.

You first need clarity within yourself.

Then your child will follow you and listen to you.