If you have a toxic Ex, chances are you’ve had to go to Child Protective Services at least once.

And – how did you fare there?

Now, such an appointment is usually linked to a certain expectation: Either you hope for understanding and sympathy for you and your situation with this child’s father – because they are professionals, they know a lot about messed up family situations – or you are terrified of the appointment, because you have already heard so many horror stories and the Youth Welfare Office in the worst case can even take the child into custody, if the parents are highly adversarial.

First and foremost, however, it is an authority. With case workers.

In the best case, with case workers who have built up a good know-how over the years and have not yet lost their compassion, because it is not about cars or things, but about children. Ideally, they should be people who have children of their own.

Because it is quite difficult to make a caseworker who is not a mother herself – or even a man – understand what it means to have to give a one-year-old child, who is still being breastfed, access because the child’s father demands it (who, before the separation, was never able to get far enough away when it came to taking care of the baby, but now is suddenly acting like a superdaddy who absolutely wants to spend more time – even at night – with the toddler).

In the worst case, you have a caseworker sitting across from you who just finished college and chose this career to “help” and who herself was an abandoned child who grew up without a caring father.

If a covert narcissist sits in front of her and affirms that yes, he would take much more care of the toddler if only the ex (i.e. you) would let him, then this woman will be triggered unawares, and she will use all sorts of platitudes that a young woman without life experience once picked up somewhere to convince you. Because under no circumstances should what happened to her happen to your child: growing up without a father.

However, you don’t know whether this is actually the case – but it would explain why mothers get hair-raising advice and platitudes thrown at them!

“You should not live in the past, but in the future.” (Very popular phrase especially in case of physical abuse in the relationship).

“But he doesn’t do anything to the child.” (no words)

“Violence is, after all, always in the eye of the beholder – everyone sees it differently.”

“You have to look at it all positively, he didn’t try to kill his daughter.” (only the mother or himself)

Or even this line from a SB who obviously paid extra attention in genetics: “A child always has something of the mother and father, since your daughter is visually very similar to you, she will be more like the dad in character.” No kidding.

“Why don’t you be willing to compromise?” Interestingly, this demand is usually addressed to the mother, who is already soft-boiled anyway and finds the conflict with the Ex particularly stressful.

With all these sayings, just keep one thing in mind: each of these case workers in the office has their own history and perception, and also made their own experiences.

You don’t know exactly which ones, so you could respond to them.

If you notice that the person you’re talking to is going overboard with platitudes, then it’s up to you whether you put on the shoe or not.

Whether you get upset about it or not.

Mothers in my Strong Mothers group on Facebook speak of statements they had to listen to in the youth welfare office that made their hair stand on end

“You chose this man, after all, so now you have to see how you get along with him as a father!”

“I recommend that you better swallow some things/leave it at that, the child’s father is just very hurt.”

“You must learn to separate from your child once in a while, you have considerable problems there.” – this sentence was addressed to a mother who had already been separated for several years and who had already had regular contact and also vacation contact with the CT for years.

“But he is the father!!!”

How can you best react to this now?

By mirroring and asking again.

“I don’t understand. Can you please elaborate on what exactly you mean by that in this context?”

“Am I understanding you correctly? I’m supposed to be willing to compromise, but the child’s father gets to insist on his point of view?”

“Don’t you think it’s understandable that I’m concerned about contact when the child’s father has proven in the past that he can get angry out of nowhere?”

And when you realize there’s no point and your counterpart is completely blinded and not approachable at all:

“Hmm. I see.”

And should you be pushed to make a decision here and now:

“Thanks for your ideas. I need to let this sink in and need a few days to think about it. Is that okay with you?”

Of course, it’s best if your expectations in the child welfare office are neither too high nor too low.

You’ll do best with a neutral, wait-and-see attitude that allows you to first assess what the dynamics currently look like.

Even if you had a good impression of the caseworker in the first meeting, it is not uncommon for the same person to appear in court in a completely different way and to hold a completely contrary opinion.

Or they are replaced after two years, which is quite common in the office.

Please concentrate on what your child needs and not on what is expected from you and how you can provide harmony.

With a toxic Ex, you have no choice but to learn to firmly and confidently represent your child’s rights and wishes.

In doing so, of course, you’re stepping on the toes of people with a different opinion – but they’re not in your shoes either.

What kind of phrases have you had to listen to in the youth welfare office? Just comment below this article and let the other mothers share it. In any case, you are not alone!