Most moms who have been to family court know this scenario: they come out of a hearing that was basically successful, but they dwell for days on the fact that they didn’t stay “tough” until the end and are left with a compromise or settlement that doesn’t fully meet their demands.

Especially when the children are still small, moms blame themselves for accepting a compromise they believe is detrimental to the children.

Let me give you an example:

The father applies for the alternating residency model for their 3-year-old child, which is immediately and clearly rejected by the judge. This is followed by a few strong words if the father has had issues in the recent past. It seems the judge has a good understanding of what kind of parent she is dealing with.

This is a good sign and a success for the mother, who has prepared thoroughly in advance (e.g., with a master class on arguing against the alternating residency model).

The worst-case scenario is off the table. Yay!

However, the judge then suggests that the father be given a separate afternoon of contact each week, where he (or the grandmother) may pick up the child from daycare and return them to the mother by 6 pm.

All eyes are on the mother.

Even without words, the expectation is clear:
“Now you can meet the child’s father halfway.”
“Please be cooperative and don’t be difficult.”
“It’s only fair that the father should now be offered something too.”

And very often, these exact phrases are said verbatim.

The pressure grows, depending on the values this mother holds dear:

Values like harmony (“I never want to be difficult / I’m not difficult”) or willingness to compromise (“I’m happy to do my part to find a solution to this conflict”) and, of course, fairness (“Yes, I understand it’s fairer for the father”).

Thoughts race through her mind.

Her own values say: “Yes, that’s right!” but a dark feeling arises in her gut, not yet tangible amidst the inner turmoil.

Phrases like “Oh no! More contact with that toxic, hateful Ex! All I wanted was peace and protection for me and my child from this man!” might flash through her mind.

Meanwhile, the clock is ticking. The judge becomes impatient and looks stern.

“Oh dear, she doesn’t like me. She probably thinks I’m overprotective if I turn down her suggestion. Or even intolerant of attachment if I don’t allow extra time between the child and father.”

An empathetic woman, trained from an early age to believe she will only be liked if she is well-behaved and does what she is told, is mentally trapped after this thought.

And she “buckles.”

Nevertheless, let’s take a look at the situation as it “actually” is.

• The alternating residency model is averted.
• In return, the toddler gets 3-4 hours of additional contact time with his father every week on top of the residence model from Saturday to Sunday every 14 days.

For outsiders, that sounds difficult.

The judge is satisfied because she knows that young children, in particular, need regular contact to build a bond with the parent. And if the judge is also experienced and well-read, she knows that an alternating residency model is disastrous for children under 6, especially if the parents are highly contentious.

So why is the mother not satisfied and happy?

What I have already seen and experienced in coaching mothers with a toxic ex has many aspects that I would like to unravel here:

One factor is your own expectation of yourself: I have to do it perfectly, otherwise I’m not good enough (as a mother or as a woman).

If she experiences a moment of weakness and uncertainty in the courtroom, or even a grimace from the other side of the room, her performance is anything but “perfect.”

However, perfection is simply unattainable. Period.

The very fact that we are all human makes us imperfect beings.

80/20 is perfectly adequate.

How do we want to support our children?

Another aspect could be your own idea of how your child should grow up: loving, protected, carefree, without deadlines, with lots of joy and laughter.

A toxic father, on the other hand, stands for turmoil, anger, hatred, rage, possibly a lack of impulse control, and a lack of empathy.

Which was also the main reason for the separation: to protect the child from this negative emotional energy.

So how can a mother maintain the positive energy she focuses on during her contact time if the child is repeatedly exposed to the father’s negative energy?

This is based on a thought that you can discard immediately:

You can never ensure that your child grows up without negativity.

You simply can’t protect them from difficult people.

Your toxic ex is just one of many negative people your child will meet. Think about educators, teachers, coaches, or the grouchy neighbor.

And that’s not a bad thing — because it’s the only way they can train and learn to deal with it.

The person who shows your child how to do this is you.

You show your child what to do and talk to them when they are learning to walk.
You show your child how to treat other people kindly.
You show your child how to greet and what to do in public.

And this is how you show your child the best way to deal with toxic people.

By the way, your child doesn’t learn what you want to teach with words.

They only see and sense your CONFIDENCE.

You can already walk and just know that they will learn to do so.

You can already be friendly with strangers at the door or on the street and just know that they will learn to say “hello.”

You can read and do math and just know that they will learn.

But if you’re not confident that your child will learn to deal with negative people, ask yourself first:

“Can I do it yet? Do I know how to do it? Do I already know how to protect myself from negative influences?”

And then it gets really interesting, sweetheart!

There is another aspect:

The relationship you had with your toxic ex is a story in itself. Your child will have a different relationship with his father than you have with him as a couple.

Yes, it’s very likely that your toxic ex will try to manipulate the child and tell lies about you. A narcissistic personality disorder doesn’t disappear just because you’ve been successful in court.