Today I have something very special – and for once not for my target group of mothers with toxic Ex-partners, but for men!

I am relatively often approached by empathetic men who ask me for advice on what to do with their narcissistic child mothers. And also by many men who feel attacked by my articles because I always write only about the female side. Yes, I am one-sided – because I only work with one side!

But I have been in contact with Ole from the Free Man Academy, who works on the other side as a coach with empathic men. And I would like to introduce him and his work here on my blog – for all men who want to get out of the toxic energy spiral just like the empathic mothers.

Have fun reading!

Dude, get out of that toxic downward spiral and get your energy back!

*Ding*

*Ding Ding*

Oh, what is that?

Could that be your – toxic alarm bell that you, as a father, are really hearing for the first time?

You’ve suspected it for a while. But now it becomes really clear to you: Something is not right in your relationship.

You disappear. You can no longer feel yourself. Deny your own needs. You only function – and that too with less and less energy. You do everything, do everything, but at the bottom of your heart – you are deeply desperate.

Others must be much worse off than you, you think. Yes, that may be. But what matters is how you’re feeling right now. And then the others don’t matter at that moment.

You find it hard to admit: that you are not well? Because you have always made sure that your partner is well? So that she doesn’t snap again or break down depressed and emphasize how bad she feels? Because of you?

Hey, it’s okay and wonderful to make sure your partner is doing well! But you clearly feel that a level has been exceeded. That you are in a really unhealthy imbalance. You only give, she only takes.

*Ding Ding Ding*

It’s high time you take back what’s yours: your independence, your freedom.

Your path to freedom

A powerful path lies ahead of you. If you really want it! If you think there is surely a compromise – I tell you there is not. You can’t be “a little bit yourself.” But only completely or not at all.

But … your children … they need you!

Of course they need you, no question. But what do they need you as? As a poor, hobbled little wiener, who only fulfills orders without appearing as someone himself? As a fleeting shadow of a father who cannot be felt or touched at all?

What would you like to pass on to your child? Cowering and passivity? Or sincerity and self-determination? Decide for yourself!

You have to go through it: Recognize and acknowledge the situation

If you want to find your way out of your miserable state and into self-determination, the first step is to recognize what is. Mercilessly examine the dynamics that are running in the underground. You are not alone – many before you have already recognized and analyzed the toxic dynamic. But now it’s your turn.

Looking first needs courage. You already have it in you. But it is buried under mountains of self-denial and wants to be rediscovered. Because you need it even more for the next step: Recognition.

Attention to the ouch: Your role in the whole mess

You can recognize and understand the dynamics, good. But what you observe is then still “out there”. It doesn’t hurt that much. But if you recognize that you yourself are part of this dynamic, then you are in the middle of it. At this level, you have to acknowledge that you have played the game for a long time.

And suddenly – your image changes. Until now you thought you were a victim of oppression. You are. But you behaved like an oppressed person. And you gave your partner exactly what she needed: an oppressed person.

Ouch. This insight hurts. But it leads to healing – it is already healing.

If you are at this point, you have already won. Because from now on, it’s all uphill. What you have realized here will never be lost again, even if you stumble – that’s part of it.

A narcissist needs a co-narcissist. Both complement each other like a pot and a lid. You, as an empathic father, have taken on the role of co-narcissist. Another ouch: You are not necessarily “better” at this than the narcissist. Just different. You are not active, you are not destructive. You contribute to destructiveness – through passivity. But you have the possibility to end the downward spiral. Your partner probably doesn’t.

Okay – you’ve recognized the dynamic, and you’ve embraced it in large part. Now what?

Buckle up, it’s time to get down to business!

Now comes the real work, my dear. Energy work. Yes, I know, it sounds like incense and yogi tea. Forget about that for a while.

It’s not your partner that bothers you, if you’re honest. It’s what she triggers in you, isn’t it? That which feels unpleasant. That which you would like to have gone. That’s what we call “uncomfortable energies.” And these energies are – your gold mine.

You don’t think so, do you?

Unless you’ve worked with it yourself, it’s all theoretical. But it works. I myself do it every day. I get my energy back bit by bit – from where I left it. Where it was robbed from me. However, with my consent, because unconsciously I said yes to it at some point. But I can repeat my energy to myself. And so, what you are most afraid of, what you most want to look away from, becomes your greatest strength.

Again, it works. They are clear, simple steps. But you have to do them.

That would be the third step after recognizing and accepting: Act. Only you can act yourself. Everyone acts for himself. Acting is the opposite of what you have done so far: letting yourself be acted upon. No wonder you felt bad about it!

May I introduce Beppo, the gentle warrior

I accompany you on this inner process in a customized coaching. I can only give you a few general tips on how you should best behave. Trust that every outer step will arise by itself – if you take inner steps. The outside follows the inside.

There is no such thing as an elaborate, perfect plan, sorry. The magic formula is: One step at a time! That’s what I call the “Beppo street sweeper principle”. You may know Beppo from the book Momo. He says:

You must never think of the whole road at once, you know? You always have to think about the next step, the next breath, the next broom stroke. (…) Suddenly you realize that you’ve made the whole road step by step. You didn’t even notice how, and you’re not out of breath.

Beppo is a gentle warrior. That is also your path. A gentle warrior takes full responsibility for himself and stands up for his own light. He gains his strength not by judging and belittling others, but by discovering and affirming his own inner light. This light guides him. It always brings about good, in the short term or sometimes only in the long term.

“Gentle”, by the way, is the opposite of “putting up with everything”. “Gentle” is not “weak.” “Gentle” means: to take care of oneself and, if necessary, to act courageously. From the outside, this can also look “rude”. A really courageous action arises from calmness – from standing securely in oneself. And you can learn that. I will gladly help you with that.

If you are still wondering what about your children, then I tell you: They will love the gentle warrior with all their hearts, whatever you do! You can give your children nothing better than your brightly shining inner light. They feel it, believe me. Everybody feels it. Even you yourself.

Because from today you are a real man. But differently than you thought.