On the one hand, I was incredibly relieved when I was finally able to live in my new home and was no longer exposed to this daily emotional pressure.

What a mood he would be in in the morning. What mood he would be in in the evening, after work. What he would say, do or think again.

Whether I would once again have to do everything alone with the baby at the weekend while he pursued his amusements with his friends or because he simply didn’t feel like the stress of Saturday shopping.

I had been waiting so eagerly for this moment in the months before!

Of course, I was also expecting the loneliness blues as a single parent – which is certainly one of the main reasons for many of us not to move out.

But I had to learn to deal with loneliness even before my relationship with the child’s father, and I knew that I would definitely get to grips with it over time.

The one or two days when you’re emotionally sagging and feel unloved and lonely…

No way.

What awaited me after moving out topped all my previous experiences as a single person.

What I really underestimated was the grieving that had to be done after the relationship with the man I once loved had broken down.

The grief that my dreams with this man didn’t come true.

The sadness that my ideas of a healthy, loving family – which I initially thought I would share with my partner – in which our child could grow up happy and carefree, burst like soap bubbles.

The realization of this did not come with a thunderclap.

All the tears that I didn’t cry in the relationship surfaced years later on all explainable and unexplainable occasions.

Every time I heard children’s songs by Rolf Zuckowski. Or stories about the children of Bullerbü. Yes, the unspeakable Merci commercials were also part of it.

Are you familiar with that too?

I had wished so much that I could give my child a better, more loving childhood! With greater attentiveness and warm-heartedness towards each other in the family.

But alas. It’s all over now.

Of course I also felt cheated and betrayed. Of course I also felt angry. But those tears afterwards were massive.

At some point I realized that not a day went by without me crying. Even years after the break-up!

Of course, the emotional abuse continued after the break-up – it took on even greater proportions because I hadn’t built up any boundaries yet. I was violently attacked, insulted on the street, ridiculed and, above all, reprimanded in a highly judgmental tone by my Ex and his Flying Monkeys – in emails, phone calls, in mediation and at the youth welfare office.

You know how it is.

But every now and then I have clients who mourn even the most abusive relationship for a long time.

​What could be the reason for this?

It is clear that after a relationship with a narcissistic person, the emotional bond is not automatically severed when they move out!

Moving out only establishes a physical separation and creates formal boundaries that the soul still has to understand and process.

As long as the Ex is still present in your life, he can still play around with your emotional connection. And I don’t know any narcissists who don’t take advantage of this!

Grief work is important – so that we can let go

It’s understandable that we then find it difficult to actually let go – which is, after all, the purpose of grief work.

Now we can’t just say “goodbye!” – we are forced by the child and the state to stay in contact with the toxic child’s father.

But you can definitely set initial boundaries – and that’s your main task right after the separation!

Once the boundaries have been established, you will have more inner peace, which you need for your grief work

Please be patient with yourself and understand that you can give yourself more time to grieve.

It is certainly helpful to consult a good therapist during this initial phase. I tried it back then too, but I couldn’t put into words what the real problem was. I also didn’t know anything about narcissism and its effects back then.

But you know a lot more now than I did back then and can steer the therapist in the right direction right from the start. That way, you could work through the emotional abuse with him or her and learn to let go of the narcissistic injuries caused by your Ex.

A therapist could also help you to resolve any remaining emotional dependency on your abuser if you want him back and believe you still love him.

So if you have the feeling that this is the case for you, then go for it!

​I’d like to give you a few additional tips here that you can try out to bring closure to your grief

You’ve probably heard this before from various tidying gurus such as Marie Kondo and others: first you have to throw out the old, the things you no longer use, so that the new, the beautiful things that bring you joy can move in again. So first create emptiness so that you have space for the new.

Applied to our situation, this means

You could, for example, become clear once again about the wishes you initially had for the relationship and for the child you have together by writing each one on a piece of paper and then releasing them one by one in a ritual.

You could say a powerful affirmation:

“[read wish aloud] I thank you for your teaching and I forgive you for not coming true. I let you go now because I need your space for a new wish that can be fulfilled.”

If the saying doesn’t work for you, you are welcome to change it individually. But you have an idea of what I mean now, don’t you?

You can burn or throw away the pieces of paper with the old wishes, depending on your taste and gut feeling.

Then write down your new wishes for a good life.

• What do you want to achieve for yourself?
• What do you want to focus on in the next 5 or even 10 years?
• What kind of life do you want to lead?

Wishes bursting and not coming true is part of life

However, there is a guarantee when they will never work: If your wish is based on what others besides yourself have to do or say.

Wishes that are based on what you alone can do, on the other hand, have a 100% guarantee of success.

So use your grief today to let go of old dreams and desires in love and understanding.

Don’t tear yourself apart in shame and guilt because it was so obvious from the beginning that the man was toxic

You didn’t know any different back then, sweetheart!

You were such an innocent soul, and now you are more mature, clearer, and a mother with responsibilities.

From now on, you focus on what you can do yourself – and that’s a lot!

How do you see it? Are you still in the grieving phase or have you already overcome it? What has helped you? Please comment below and help all the other moms who are in the middle of it. Thank you! ?