Sweetheart, let me ask you a question right at the beginning: Do you still think about your Ex very often? Is there not a day when you don’t rack your brain over your situation or his offenses? Then this article is perfect for you!

If you’ve been following me for a while, you already know that your thoughts control your feelings. My goal with my coaching is for you to become more and more mindful of the thoughts you feed in your head and heart.

Yes, you can absolutely control that!

The first step is indeed awareness. If you become aware of how often you still think about him, then you are already a very significant step further.

There is no question that this is completely normal at the beginning, when events are unfolding. You have to process the separation first, and during this time your Ex will do everything he can to keep you mentally occupied.

Because that’s the only way the negative energy he needs flows!

He sends you Whatsapp messages, and – bing! – you see his name on the display and think of him.

Maybe he’ll call all the time and want to talk to the kid.

Or his mother will send a message too.

Bing. Bing. Bing.

Then you read a story in a Facebook group that resembles yours because the man described has done exactly the same thing as your toxic Ex.

Or you see him commenting on Facebook himself. Or another man with his first name.

Bing. Bing. Bing.

If you are in court, it may be that he sends you long emails every day with the most incredible claims that you somehow have to respond to.

If you haven’t set up a separate email account yet, you’ll see his emails every time you open your private inbox, even if it’s just to look for an insurance policy.

Incidentally, you can get a good grip on all the things I’ve described above by defining your most important boundaries as soon as possible after the breakup and then enforcing them or, better yet, rigorously defending them.

That alone will help you to calm the situation down on his side.

But once the first turbulent year of separation is over and things start to get calmer – with annoying everyday incidents and disagreements here and there – I have discovered a particular phenomenon that I would now like to discuss with you.

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If you start teasing him yourself

Right, now you’re shaking your head, aren’t you? But how often do you think this happens?

Especially when things have calmed down a bit and you now know a lot about narcissism and how pathetic these men with narcissistic personality disorders actually are, even if they are chief physicians or CEOs.

Then it is quite tempting to try out how “teasing” works.

Hold on, sweetheart!

Even if you know the buttons that can quickly make a narcissist’s pulse race, and even if you really want to get back at him.

Don’t.

Never play on the narcissistic anger of your counterpart.

I can assure you: He will always come up with something new and even meaner. So unless you want to enter the “Who’s the biggest devil in this game?” challenge, I can only advise you not to provoke him into a predictable narcissistic reaction in emails.

He’s got you over a barrel.

Think of it like a boxing ring. Would you get into the boxing ring with Vladimir Klitschko if you had just come from a self-defense course and learned how to throw an uppercut?

If you know you’ve hit him, then the satisfying feeling that comes first is short-lived.

Of course I can understand that you want to give a punch back yourself! And it feels so good when you can make fun of it in your social group of like-minded people afterwards, because the toxic Ex reacts exactly as you calculated.

Hahaha, look here, a narcissist as he is in the book! Who needs more proof?

Even if the drip doesn’t immediately notice that this is happening in my group and he is not being named, the energy is there. It is definitely with him and it is definitely negative.

It’s almost a reversal of the phrase “Whoever loves each other teases each other” into “Whoever hates each other annoys each other” and in my words more like “Whoever wants to stay emotionally connected stays in eager contact.”

As a coach for mothers with toxic ex-partners, all the alarm bells go off for me.

If you’ve taken my test “How Toxic Is Your Ex?”, then you have either a follower, a mean son of a bitch, or the devil himself on the other side of your parenting.

If you provoke the narcissistic beast, you can expect a corresponding, possibly delayed reaction, at least from the last two types.

And then the drama is great, because it is very likely that he will go over the child.

Do I now want you to cuddle up and play little mouse?

Not at all! I want you, as a confident mother, to neither let yourself be annoyed nor tease your Ex yourself.

A confident mother doesn’t need to play these games. A confident mother just doesn’t get involved in mud-wrestling!

I want you to get out of this game of emotional entanglement. Stop playing into his hands.

In the spirit of: “The best way to win against toxic people is not to play.

I want you to stop caring about him.

If you want to have this feeling of ‘Oh. What did he say? I see.’ in your everyday life, then make yourself as boring as possible!

And the most boring thing you can do is not only not to react, but even more so not to act.

It’s better to save your wit, your cleverness and, last but not least, your intellectual superiority for your new friend, who is already standing on your doorstep, waiting for you to finally let go of this toxic person and who really appreciates your best qualities!

All right, sweetheart?

What is the best way for you to become boring? Write it in the comments and share this article in your personal network if you have some friends who need this reminder right now.

Thank you!