​How good it is for a woman to have a good friend to talk to in this phase of life – after the breakup with the toxic Ex and later, when the legal proceedings cause great turmoil in a mother’s life.

Do you have such a good friend?

Then I’m very happy for you, because many, many moms with a toxic Ex find themselves rather isolated after the breakup, because many mutual friends can also quickly turn away.

These moms then find help in moms forums and groups (like the Strong Moms group on Facebook for example), and most of the time you find another mom who has been around for a long time and who you find sympathetic based on what she writes.

But this article is also for those moms – and it’s extremely important that you read on now.

Trust is the basis of any good friendship, and it is my goal that you continue to do that after reading this text.

But I want to use this blog to highlight a very important aspect that will significantly determine how you experience this phase of your life in the months and years to come.

And your girlfriend – or whoever enjoys your trust – can play a not inconsiderable role in how bad you will feel.

Without you even realizing it.

Especially if she actually means it totally sweetly and really hangs in there for you!

Your girlfriend could, for example, start doing research for you. She can find countless, loud, mostly aggressive articles from the fathers’ lobby or newspaper articles about child custody cases or highly contentious court cases that have gone dramatically for mothers.

Information that can scare the hell out of you.

Or the moms who are very active on mothers’ forums, urgently warning that you should never trust the procedural counsel and keep as low a profile as possible when speaking. Because she has already observed situations – especially with others – that ended quite badly!

The danger here is that unless you yourself are an old “hand” who is familiar with the dynamics of a court case, you are quick to ascribe “expert status” to other people who pretend to be more knowledgeable and experienced.

“She knows more than I do, I listen and learn better!”

Even your dear friend, who only wants to help and is diligently researching, naturally knows more than you after her research.

The problem

Usually, only drama stories make it into the media – success stories tend to be boring. As a result, outsiders often get the impression that there is only drama and unhappiness when it comes to family court.

So when your friend starts researching – even if she is neutral to begin with and doesn’t have a toxic Ex or is a mother – she will usually find mostly horror stories. If she does it through Facebook, the algorithm will even learn to find similar articles for her that resemble the information she’s gobbled up before, and flush them into her feed.

Once you have the posts of the fathers’ lobby in your feed, you won’t be happy anymore, because so much hatred, devaluation and mockery simply won’t leave you cold.

So she gets to see more and more “evidence” of how “it” goes for mothers in court. How biased the guardians ad litem can act, how ruthlessly judges pass their sentences, and that today no mother can go against the alternating residency model.

And so she starts to believe. And of course she discusses this with you.

She warns you, shows you the articles.

And you then adopt this belief. After all, you trust your friend.

Or even the supposedly all-knowing, universally recognized expert in the mothers’ forum.

And the evil takes its course

Because: If you believe something, then you automatically look for evidence for it.

And the stories will pile up that you observe, supporting your thesis.

You are scared to death that the same thing will happen to you and you are watching every step of your toxic ex with suspicious eyes. You suspect the persecutor and the Flying Monkeys who want to spy on you everywhere.

You are suspicious of the guardian ad litem, timid before the overly businesslike judge, meek with your lawyer who pushes for a settlement early on, and sit trembling in parent mediation expecting that soon your child will be snatched from you and forced to move in with the father.

And you know what the worst part is?

The more you get into this belief and find evidence for it, the more you prepare the field for it to happen exactly that.

How can you prevent this?

First, by realizing who is influencing you right now.

Who surrounds you with good advice, who do you perceive as an expert?

Now not all advice is bad for you per se.

Your main focus should therefore be on how you feel afterwards. Does the idea or advice resonate positively with your inner self?

Do you feel a bright “Yes!” inside you?

Then everything is fine. If you feel bad afterwards, it is not good for you.

It’s really simple sometimes.

Also look at who exactly is handing out this advice

Is the person herself well, is she happy with herself and the world?

How much bitterness and even envy or hatred is fermenting in her?

Would you want to live her life? Then follow the person.

If their life is anything but beautiful, keep your distance and detachment.

And this is true not only with respect to family court & co in the toxic setting – but in really every aspect of your environment.

I can assure you: Your life is the average of the 5 people you surround yourself with the most. No matter if real or virtual.

So please be selective – especially now in this challenging phase of your life where you have never been before.

How do you deal with your best friend now, who is eager to stand faithfully by your side, but unthinkingly falls into this bias trap?

Ask them to stand by you in a different way. To simply take you in her arms now and then. To look after the child so that you can go on a date if you feel like it. Or with whom you can just go to the café or restaurant every now and then.

She has the role of the friend – not the role of the advisor and coach in this phase of life!

Make her realize that she is helping you simply by being there and still liking you well, while all that exists around you is the sobriety and raised eyebrows of outsiders who don’t know you as well as she does.

And don’t talk about the trial, the ex, the whole mess! Keep the toxic out of your relationship!

“But Heidi! I need someone with whom I can discuss all this!”

Really?

Rather, what you need is reinforcement and help in interpreting the impulses for action that come from within you and show you the right way.

If you really need to feel good after a bad day, don’t discuss it with others, get it off your chest once in your journal, it’s much more effective.

You then do not distribute the heaviness to others and thus also do not allow the toxic ex to negatively influence the lives of other people around you through his harassment.

With you, his toxic cycle just stops from now on!

And no, you are not obligated to continue to be available for a conversation if your counterpart pulls you even deeper down. Right now you need all your strength – for yourself and for your child!

Surround yourself better with women who want to move forward, who want to learn to get rid of negative and obstructive beliefs about themselves and the world.

In summary

You reinforce what you believe – because beliefs are phrases that you think over and over again. Thus, you adopt a tunnel vision that focuses exclusively on seeing and perceiving only what supports these beliefs.

Isn’t it much better – especially if you’re currently going through a rough patch – to shine the light and focus on what can work and has worked out for the best for moms with a toxic ex?

Developing beliefs around what successes mothers have also experienced in court in hopeless situations?

By the way, beliefs are not about right or wrong.

Your excited friend who warns you is as right as I am when I tell you that everything will be fine.

After all, there are a number of mothers who have experienced and are still experiencing a veritable nightmare in court, and I’m not suggesting that the mothers are imagining it or even blaming themselves!

But if we all – including you – continue to focus only our glasses on what is going wrong, and we give fear this space and thus reinforce this development ALL with, then it will only get worse and worse.

Let us rather believe from the other side first, then think, then feel and finally take the right steps.

And those steps that will be right for you are unique, sweetheart.

The dynamics at court are unique. The setting is unique. Your child is unique and has unique needs.

That’s why there is no template, no blueprint, no comb that can be painted over everything.

Only you can find the right way for you and your child. Because no one can think and feel your thoughts for you, and these thoughts are extremely important and valuable.

Let me help you find your own individual clarity so that you can calmly and confidently reject advice that feels wrong, without running after everything like a lemming.