Sooner or later you will ask yourself this question – with a toxic ex-partner, sooner rather than later. Because these people drive you crazy!

They constantly make us doubt our self-perception. If your self-esteem is not the best to start with, then their projection tactics will make you even more insecure. They terrorize our everyday lives and control and comment on every decision we make without being asked.

They are at the door when the children are handed over, triggering intense memories with their negative aura alone. Not to mention the encounters in court, where they are at their best.

Their daily presence in our lives can trigger great psychological distress in us, even after the separation. The feeling of helplessness continues to grow.
Now, you are looking for help.

Thank God there are plenty of them! Or are there?

Perhaps you have a particularly good, trusting relationship with a non-medical practitioner who listens to you and can give you valuable initial impulses in the thought process.

Maybe you have already searched the internet for this particular healer your friend is totally enthusiastic about.

Another tells of a great psychotherapist who helped her get her life back on track.

Those who don’t know anyone, on the other hand, search around helplessly and research suitable therapists in their area on the internet.

That’s how I did it back then. However, I had a very specific idea of what I needed – a tangible companion in my everyday life and not just an understanding nod and a rummaging through my childhood experiences.

It is definitely an important step towards recovery if you take time for yourself despite having small children and give your mental and emotional health a high priority and want to get help!

Fortunately, people no longer look at you strangely if you undergo therapy. However, I would still be careful and not necessarily tell your ex if you are still fighting in court for joint custody. More than a few toxic ex-partners feel the need to exploit the situation.

Nevertheless, you shouldn’t let it bother you.

Your health comes first, and if your ex still takes things up to court, you can still answer, “you are doing everything you can to stabilize your new life mentally and emotionally. What would speak against it? After all, the children need a stable and healthy mother.”

So the most important question you should ask yourself is:

What exactly do I need – right now at this point in my life?

If the pain and grief are particularly intense, you find yourself crying a lot and have the feeling that you won’t be able to get through the days, then psychotherapeutic support is still the first and best choice.

The main goal of therapy should be to heal the wounds that have arisen in your relationship with the narcissistic ex-partner.

Talk to a doctor you trust and ask if they can recommend someone and refer you.

Then attend a few trial sessions.

Be sure to listen to your gut feeling!

If you can’t find common ground with your therapist, it won’t do any good. It’s better to keep looking in that case.

Don’t be put off if most therapists are already fully booked. If necessary, get placed on the waiting list and keep looking in the meantime. Sometimes you just get lucky if a good therapist becomes available the very moment you make a call!

Do you need coaching at all?

Ha, the right person is asking that! Personally, I think that everyone needs a coach to get along even better in life and to develop further.

Therapy and coaching do not exclude each other either, as long as both arise in parallel.

However, it is important to know and observe the exact scope of both disciplines: Coaching cannot replace therapy and vice versa. We are really talking about apples and oranges here.

If you are unsure whether you need a coach, then ask yourself:

What is my goal? What do I want to have achieved in a year?

You wouldn’t ask your therapist this question, for example – they are mainly concerned with the past and, at best, with the here and now. Unless you find a therapist who has additional training as a coach and also covers this area.

I found a coach like that back then, but I soon realized that it wasn’t really a work session, but rather developed into a therapy session, which didn’t seem right to me at the time.

Incidentally, that’s the keyword: work. Coaching sessions are work sessions; they involve brainstorming and jointly weighing up various alternatives.
Then there’s homework: I usually give my clients tasks to complete by the next session.

With good coaching, people get things done.

Other coaching examples

So, let’s say you want to lose weight, then you would rather look for a fitness coach or nutrition coach.

If you want to take the next step in your career, you would look for a career coach.

If you want to start your own business, you would look for a business coach.

If you want to better support your child in school, then you would look for a learning coach.

And if, for example, you want to learn how to prep thoroughly for court and show up as your best self, you come to me.

Yes, the coaching world is colorful and diverse.

“But Heidi,” I can already hear you say, “I don’t have time to integrate that into my everyday life either. And no money either – no health insurance pays for coaches.”
Yes, coaching is a kind of private luxury for the soul. But so is a vacation.

As with everything in life, it’s about how much you prioritize achieving a desired situation.

• How important is your health?
• How important is your retirement plan?
• How important is financial independence to you?
• How important is your emotional stability in your daily life?

The answers to these questions will give you your list of priorities.

No time! after all only means that other things in your day are more important than the thing for which you have no time.

No money! also means that you don’t want to spend money on a particular thing and other things are financially more important to you. To cite a personal example, I had to prioritize saving money so that I could get out of a hole of debt – I went without new clothes for it, even though I didn’t feel particularly comfortable with that. New clothes just weren’t as important to me as my financial balance.

Incidentally, I couldn’t afford private coaching at the time either. However, back then there wasn’t anything like what I offer today…

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Yes, coaching costs something.

With other coaches, you usually pay upwards of €1200 for 3-4 months of guidance.

My business coach, for example, costs $2,200 per quarter, and that is a particularly discounted offer. Other coaches charge several thousand dollars for a single hour.

I can assure you that those who have proven over many years that they are really good at their job are worth every single cent.

Of course, I can’t afford expensive coaches for 1:1 coaching either.

But there are more and more of these top coaches who offer their support through rather affordable online programs. This is not as personalized as 1:1 coaching, but you are still able to tap into their knowledge and expertise and be guided in a structured way to the next steps towards your goal. I can do all these while I stay home with my child and dog!

A great interim solution to private coaching!

That makes me a huge fan of these online programs myself. In the  years, I have invested all of my savings in a wide range of online programs, and with the exception of one particularly negative experience, they were all worth the money.

What I have learned from them cannot be taken away from me.

So what could be more obvious than offering my clients this kind of help and support? Especially since I know from my own experience that after a breakup, money is really tight.

Conclusion

In the end, you should decide which help you accept based on your gut feeling. From the outset, you should have a good idea of what to expect and how your contractor works.

Anyone who ultimately helps you to feel better is right!

Even if it’s a healer, a non-medical practitioner, your therapist or a fitness coach who helps you to regain your strength.

Have initial conversations, but also listen carefully if something seems strange to you. In that case, it’s better to leave it at that.

Of course there are black sheep – among coaches, therapists, alternative practitioners and healers. But you’ll encounter them everywhere in life. You know that, don’t you?

However, behind the most unconventional solutions there are often true treasures of the soul that the conventional system of helpers would never even come close to discovering, let alone certifying.

And if, in your case, it should be a spiritual healer – so be it! You have my blessing.

What’s important is that you find your strength again.