Imagine your 8-year-old comes home from a weekend with their dad, proudly showing off a new smartphone. “Daddy gave it to me!” they exclaim, beaming with joy. “Now we can always talk on the phone.”

If you’re newly separated, this moment can feel like the ground is opening beneath you.

If you’ve been separated for ages and have trained yourself to think like me, you might think, “Great. Thanks for the A-card, mister!”

Because now it’s clear who has the A-card.

Goethe once said, “One notices the intention, and one is out of tune.”

Now it’s time to set and enforce boundaries immediately

Assuming you promised your child their own smartphone when they start secondary school, and maybe you even discussed this with your Ex beforehand – so he knew your stance on the issue.

You look at your child’s beaming face, and your heart breaks. How much you’d love to give them the gadget!

Incidentally, a smartphone raises many more questions than just the ability to talk to and influence the child at any time.

Questions arise about appropriate protection from the internet and media distraction starting too early for a child’s still immature brain.

In an ideal world, we’d push the smartphone far, far back for children – but by 5th grade, it’s often unavoidable.

We’d be labeling our child an outsider if we insisted on not allowing it.

But at eight years old? WTF?

Even if your Ex had given a normal, boring cell phone (just for calling and texting) without your prior consent, you’d need to see what boundaries are being violated – beyond your fear of toxic influence.

He already has influence during his contact time, even if it’s only one day a week.

But with a private telephone hotline – which he is likely to use more than the child – your time together is constantly interrupted by reminders of the Ex’s neediness.

And if we’re talking about an insecure, attachment-intolerant, and control-addicted father, that’s expected. The child feels the energy more than the words.

​In principle, your child should always be able to call their dad on their own initiative.

They can also do this via your smartphone or the landline and don’t need their own cell phone.

If your child wants to vent to their dad about your last argument, you can leave the room in a considerate manner.

After all, the child has a right to maintain their own relationships – whether with their best friend, your sister, or their father.

That is attachment tolerance, my dear!

Similarly, you wouldn’t call your child during their contact time just to check if everything is okay.

No way, sweetheart!

Letting go is the order of the day here.

But what do you do now that your toxic ex has given your child a fancy smartphone gift and presented you with a fait accompli?

My idea would be to let your child know you’re happy they received such a valuable gift, but it doesn’t change what you discussed about the smartphone.

Your home – your rules. Dad’s home – his rules.

“That’s why the cell phone is switched off here in this nice box, and you can take it back with you on the next daddy weekend. Next time, you can think about whether you’d rather leave it with your dad. And if you want to talk to dad – no matter when – I’ve put his number here on this speed dial button.”

There will probably be grumbling and maybe even tearful, angry arguments (“I hate you! You’re a stupid mom!”) with your child – but you both have to get through it, your child through the feeling of disappointment and helplessness, and you through the breathless feeling of setting boundaries and making yourself unpopular.

​Being able to set boundaries is a skill you absolutely need to acquire once you’re away from your toxic Ex

You can’t do without it – you can’t avoid it, no matter how hard you try.

As long as you don’t set boundaries, he will be able to constantly rummage around in your emotional front yard.

Even with boundaries, a pathological narcissist will still cross them from time to time. Unfortunately, saying it once is not enough, you will be able to continue practicing this over the coming months – there will be many opportunities.

But you will realize that he will also get tired as long as you firmly insist on your boundaries and don’t give in again and again.

But oh – setting boundaries is already difficult for loving, empathetic people

And for those in need of harmony.

And especially for empathetic, loving moms in need of harmony, who are also constantly busy in family court trying to ensure a better childhood for their children – so they have to keep setting boundaries there too.

And then even with your own child!

Making yourself unpopular with your own child is a danger for any mother’s heart.

But you also know that you’re not doing your child any favors if you let everything slide. When your child was still a toddler, you didn’t take him or her to nursery without socks and shoes in winter, even though they absolutely refused to put them on.

Your child will find security through your boundaries.

Especially when both parents are at odds, it is important that at least you remain calm, confident and firm in your boundaries.

The clarity of your boundaries comes with the realization of your true self

There are a hell of a lot of people out there who will tell you what you can and can’t do after the separation. What you “can” and “should” do as a mom now and what you shouldn’t do.

Your limits are highly individual and are based on the values you have internalized.

The work lies in allowing yourself to live your own values. This also means unraveling and uncovering deep-seated beliefs about yourself.

This is exactly why the cell phone issue is only a tiny but important milestone aspect of parenting with a toxic-narcissistic child’s father.

What experiences have you had with the smartphone question? I look forward to your comment here under the article so that other moms can also benefit from your ideas. Merci beaucoup!