​Every now and then, I was approached by mothers asking if I had a separation checklist for them. Here you go – there you go.

Mothers who still have to face the separation often fearfully ask themselves:

“How am I supposed to manage all this? He’s so mean to me, I’m really afraid he might take the children away from me. From what I’ve read in the mothers’ groups and forums, that’s bound to happen to me too!”

If you’ve been reading with me for a while, you’ve already gotten a first impression of how some mothers fare after a breakup.

Nevertheless, I hope that you also recognize that we can learn to deal with it. Because I want to take away the fear of it precisely by writing about it.

Ultimately, you won’t know what to expect for a few years. But the path to freedom from emotional abuse is only possible by taking a courageous leap out of your comfort zone – out of what you already know, even if it’s bad.

I strongly encourage you to leave if you have a toxic narcissist husband and partner.

I wrote this blog article a while ago to help you analyze your current relationship. So that we can both start from a common understanding of what I mean by a toxic relationship.

Let’s not kid ourselves: as bad as you may feel right now, this is your current comfort zone. Anything outside of that comfort zone means change. It means effort. Energy. It also means loss – of neighbors, friends, and an elevated lifestyle.

On the other side of the comfort zone and your current limit, however, you can also expect gain, strength, self-love and growth! Not to mention: mental and thus also physical health.

It’s worth it. Absolutely.

With this article, I want to provide you with your breakup checklist so that you can see more clearly what exactly is coming up and so that you can avoid the biggest mistakes after a breakup.

1) Make your decision to leave

Not in six months, when his birthday / your wedding anniversary / your parental leave or whatever is over. Make it this week.

Why not today? Why are you reading this article, hmm?

You know the answer.

2) Find a good lawyer

As soon as you have made the decision to leave, please find a good lawyer first. It is not enough to just look for someone who specializes in family law.

You need someone at your side who is familiar with toxic opponents.

Take enough time to get to know them. I have summarized in this blog article what you should look for when hiring a lawyer.

Use the time before the court date to find a good lawyer. If your ex first files an emergency petition to prevent you from moving out, you need to be able to react quickly.

And no, you are not escalating a potentially harmonious breakup on your own initiative!

Let’s not kid ourselves: if you really have a toxic partner, there will be no harmonious and amicable breakup – at best, there will be a calm before the storm. You can try as hard as you like and do everything he says to get him to back off – but he won’t.

So don’t let yourself be intimidated or goaded – because that’s counterproductive, too.

I just want to make you aware of it so that you can proceed smartly and with caution and planning.

You don’t want to screw him over. You don’t want to rip him off. You don’t want to get revenge on him for all the things he’s done to you. You also don’t want to take away his children or undermine their relationship with him.

Your goal should be to avoid creating any facts that he could later exploit in court.

And that’s where good legal advice is essential right from the start.

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3) Start writing down individual incidents with him, briefly and concisely.

And do so mainly with regard to the child’s well-being and not what he verbally throws at you.

If he hits you, you should of course report it immediately and have the physical injuries documented in a medical report.

Although this will have no effect on whether he gets access to the child or not, you will definitely have weighty arguments if impulse control is one of his biggest problems.

So when you start documenting, write down how he treats the child. Is he caring? When is he out and about, when is he at home? How does he fulfill his role as a father?

How does he respond to the child and his needs? How do you recognize his narcissistic traits in relation to the child’s well-being?

It’s best to think about a system and structure for the documentation right away.

4) Find a new apartment

It’s easier and quicker to move out on your own than to evict him. See what is possible and realistic. Of course, you can file a lawsuit to keep the shared apartment – but that takes a lot of strength and nerves.

A new apartment also has the advantage that you can start completely over and the rooms are “pure” of any toxic experiences.

But make sure you choose an apartment that is not within walking distance. Otherwise, you are opening the door to the alternating model (unless that’s what you want, your child is older, and your ex also used to take care of the child a lot).

A switching model with a toxic ex-partner is no picnic, so you should definitely avoid this problem in your future.
In a big city with an acute shortage of housing, it shouldn’t be a problem to be able to justify moving to a more distant apartment later on.

5) Be sure to coordinate with your lawyer about when to tell your husband that you are separating.

This is important because, if you have joint custody, your husband still has a say in whether you can take the child with you. Your lawyer should be able to advise you well on your legal options here.

You have sole custody and you are not married? Then plan to move out secretly if necessary and present him with a fait accompli.

Your protection from him is your top priority. Many narcissists really turn up the heat when they know that the woman is serious.

6) Get a clear picture of your financial situation.

Please make sure that he does not get access to your own money.

Also make sure that you have copies of the documents that prove your joint assets. And make copies of your tax returns and his last pay slips.

In the case of a joint savings account, discuss with your bank advisor that he cannot clear the account on his own.

If he does, transfer your half of the money (of course, you won’t clear the account completely either!) on the day you tell him you’re leaving.

I think it’s very important for your future integrity in court that you don’t start any revenge actions over the money here.

Be smart, but don’t put yourself on the same level as him. Of course he would do the same to you without blinking an eye!

But not you. And then you will have your inner peace.

Subsequent court cases will not be a walk in the park with a toxic child father. Money should not be a trigger to call him to court and show him where the hammer hangs, and that he has bitten on granite with you.

If it is a particularly malignant specimen, then it is as if you are opening Pandora’s box.

Better leave it. Choose your battles wisely and save your energy for the processes in which everything is at stake – namely, your children.

Which, as I mentioned above, doesn’t mean you should let yourself be completely controlled by others!

A smart approach that uses both reason and emotion is your strategy of choice.

7) From now on, save like crazy!

Lawyers and courts and expert opinions are expensive. Not to mention the new furniture for your apartment. See how you can actively downsize your lifestyle temporarily to save money.

Remember: It makes a huge mental difference whether you actively decide to temporarily lower your standard consciously, or whether you are forced to do so later!

Of course, you will have to assume that life in itself will become more expensive now that you have to take care of the children and carry everything alone. Once the separation is behind you and the first lawsuit is over, one step comes after the other.
Then, at a later point, you can concentrate on putting your finances on a more solid footing and slowly increasing your standard of living again.
Only in the year of separation should you impose strict financial and household discipline on yourself:

• Don’t buy any junk!
• Don’t take on any additional consumer debt!
• Don’t buy any new clothes for yourself if the old ones will last for another season.
• Put money aside in a savings cushion.
• And make sure you do well at work so that you can work more hours again at a later date, depending on the age of your children.

8) Organize the move

Coordinate with your lawyer. Important documents have long since been sent to him or to the new apartment.

Ask your friends and parents if they can help you move.

If you have enough money put aside, then ask a professional moving company. They are definitely familiar with such situations and can advise you in advance on the best way to proceed.

Having neutral, strong professionals at your side can be incredibly reassuring, especially if your soon-to-be-ex is present when you move out.

9) Set up your new daily routine

Immediately after the move, see which new or old rituals will help your child cope better with the new situation. If your toddler is still being breastfed, you shouldn’t stop breastfeeding at the same time – that would be too many changes at once.

On your weekends, you explore a new corner of the neighborhood together. A new playground or a beautiful place in nature. You also look for a new club for the child. This makes it easier for your child to get in touch with other children and for you to get in touch with other mothers.

From now on, your main focus is on expanding your network of friends.

10) Set up a separate email account for communicating with your ex.

Get into the habit of writing objectively, not justifying yourself, and not packing reproaches and irony into your emails.

You will deliberately overlook any nasty comments from him and not react to them.

You will most likely not be spared a court hearing anyway, even if you were not married to him, so you can confidently prepare yourself mentally for it and sort everything so that you can present good documentation later. This will also help you with your preparation.

To conclude

After going through this breakup checklist, you are well prepared to plunge into the waves if he is up for it.

I really hope that this article has given you clarity on how best to proceed. But don’t drive yourself crazy and don’t think that you have to get everything perfect right now.

You’re going to make mistakes – you’re human, after all! Relax.

Trust me: you will make the best decision in every single situation that may arise based on the information available to you at the time.

You’re always wiser in hindsight. It will take a few years for you to understand the whole dynamic better in retrospect.

Have the courage – take charge of your life and that of your children now and get going!

But do yourself a huge favor: please don’t automatically assume that your situation will be exactly the same as Susi’s from the one mothers’ forum who lost both of her children to the ex.

In my Facebook group of strong mothers, there are also some women who have been through a real ordeal with their toxic ex and now know every wormhole in the courtroom’s wall paneling.

But every single case is different. Every single one! Every mother has her judge, her lawyer, her procedural assistant, her expert, her opposing counsel – and above all, her toxic ex. Together, this adds up to a very specific potpourri that the mother concerned cannot control herself.

You can only control and monitor yourself.

You can only work on your own attitude – not on that of other people.

You can work on your own thoughts – but not on what you want others to think.

You can do things yourself – but you can’t control the actions of others.

By the way: your ex has no more right to tell you what to do.

If you internalize this, you’ll be a good deal closer to serenity and sovereignty!

Why not tell us in the comments below whether the breakup checklist is helping you or if there is anything you would add. This will also help the other mothers who come after you. Thank you!