Sweetheart, if you’ve been following me for any length of time, you know that you should have as little contact as possible with your ex-partner if they are toxic.

That way, you can protect yourself better.

You may have at least one child with him, but that doesn’t give him the right to control you now and forever!

You make sure that he can spend time with your child, and that the child also enjoys going to the father, unencumbered by the stress between you.

With your attitude towards your child, you are enabling him to build and maintain a safe and good relationship with his father, even if things get heated between you parents.

If you keep this in mind, remain calm and composed and set yourself apart in a healthy way, then you can put your crown on your head and claim with some pride that you have achieved your goal!

Because that’s all you can do, even if outsiders think you should make more of an effort.

Nope.

If you’ve built up this essential mental foundation for yourself, you’ve already come a long way, my dear!

And then there’s everyday life. It offers plenty of opportunities to practise this new way of thinking.

I’ve already written a few blog articles on the various aspects of this, particularly on parallel parenting. In contrast to cooperative parenting, which can only be achieved with a non-toxic ex, parallel parenting helps you to better let go of things that you can’t control or influence anyway.

And in this article, I would like to talk to you about the very special boot camp situations in parallel parenting with a toxic ex:

Celebrating your child’s special holidays.

Let’s start with the simplest:

The child’s birthday party – should you celebrate it with or without him?

I’ll keep it short: without him, of course.

Even if your child desperately wants it – you can have this boundary, especially if things are currently going very badly with him and he is attacking you violently in emails or in court.

In my opinion, you don’t need to have a guilty conscience either. Because if you are clear in your attitude, then you won’t feel sorry for your child. In fact, you can be happy for him that – unlike his peers – he can always celebrate two (!) birthdays.

That’s great! What other child has that?

So don’t worry about where and when the birthday party will take place. Depending on whom the child is staying with on the day, that’s where the birthday will be celebrated. And you’ll have your own celebration later if your child is with their father on their special day.

And no, don’t organize the birthday party for your child at the Ex’s house for fear that he won’t get it right and the child will be traumatized by birthdays for life because the father forgot to organize a nice party!

His house – his party. His organization. His guests. His presents. His thing!

And you can let it rip on your side with a themed cake, lovely decorations and your favorite guests, so that you are relaxed and happy.

It’s your attitude, sweetheart, that will show your child whether life is okay or not!

It’s exactly the same with Easter and Christmas, of course. There will be two Easter nests and presents, just like the birthdays.

Wow. Your child has it really good! What could be nicer than a relaxed mommy and lots and lots of presents?

So, we’ve covered that topic. Simple, isn’t it?

Let’s move on to the next level.

School enrollment

Yes, that’s where it gets trickier, I have to admit.

At the time when my own son started school, we were supposedly on good terms and the school enrollment took place together with my parents and mother-in-law – something I wouldn’t do today.

However, as it was possible at the time and I believed that we had already put the worst behind us, my inner attitude and mood was naturally different, which is why it was a wonderful day for our son overall.

Please don’t think that all you have to do is grit your teeth so that you can do this favor for your child.

Your child will sense when you are actually under a lot of emotional stress from having to sit at a table with the toxic father and try to convince outsiders that you are a perfect family.

And that’s not integrity. You can sense it yourself. You’ll radiate it with insecurity and a low frequency, which your child will also sense.

What’s wrong with splitting up the day?

You’ll both be there in the assembly hall for school enrolment, at a sufficient distance from each other.

While your child has their first lesson, everyone goes their own way. At lunchtime, either you or your ex take the child to a restaurant to celebrate, then you swap places and continue celebrating at the other parent’s house in the evening.

That’s ok too, isn’t it?

That way, everyone has just the right people around them who suit them and with whom they feel comfortable.

This creates a relaxed, pleasant atmosphere that your child will remember fondly.

Incidentally, I can only faintly remember the first day of school myself – I don’t remember the social gathering that followed at all.

So please don’t worry.

You’ll still have so many wonderful days and experiences with your child!

These milestones are undoubtedly important, but your bond is even more important. A single day is a blip in your child’s childhood. Come adulthood, your child will have internalized your strong stance within this difficult parental arrangement!

Communion and confirmation

If your child has been baptized, the next celebration after school is communion. Here, too, I would proceed in the same way as for school enrollment: Provide enough space in the church, then divide the activities into two parts of the day.

Here too, you can manage your child’s expectations clearly and with integrity.

It will probably be more difficult to get the child’s father to agree on the day.

If you are currently in a legal dispute about custody and visitation rights, then it is best to have this issue negotiated at the same time. What’s ticked off is ticked off.

At confirmation, on the other hand, the child is already 14 and will no longer demand joint celebrations, or you can expect more clarity and understanding.

The older your child is, the easier it will be for you. It will be easier for you to pull yourself out of the prescribed social obligations and set boundaries.

Provided, of course, that you are aware of your boundaries!

It will be interesting again when your child gets married, or when your first grandchild is born, and you’re invited to both the wedding and christening.

Just don’t think that once your child turns 18, you won’t automatically care about your toxic ex!

Your “level of indifference” has nothing to do with the age of your child or whether you have joint custody!

You only stop caring about your ex when you’ve come to terms with your own beliefs about yourself and him. And when you have let go of having to please everyone all the time.

Then you’ll be able to live a carefree life – and you’ll be delighted when your child gets married, because your ex will be one of many wedding guests.

After all, you don’t have to have a chat with every guest at the wedding!

What about you, Sweetie? How did you organize and experience the first day of school or communion? Do you have any tips for the other moms? Then please share them with the other moms in the comments below.

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