I kid you not, my dear: separating from a toxic man is anything but a piece of cake.

I’m sure you’ve already asked around in various mothers’ forums and were shocked by what some women experienced afterwards.

Yes, it’s bad – I have to swallow hard myself when mothers like that tell me about their current situation in an introductory conversation or in my group on Facebook.

Nevertheless.

There is no alternative to a break-up with a toxic partner. None. Not one.

Because continuing this life next to him is worse hell than all the disputes in court afterwards.

Separation is also the only way to get to know people who think differently and to get support. Because when one door closes, many others can open that you don’t even see now.

You are giving the starting signal for a completely new life, which holds many wonderful, fulfilling moments in store for you. Believe me!

Don’t forget: you’re not just a mother, you’re also a woman and a human being.

If you are treated in a degrading way and you don’t make the decision to leave, then you have to take full responsibility for it.

You have to take responsibility if your daughter observes how you allow yourself to be treated by her father and what conclusions she will draw from this for her own future relationship.

Of course your children will still be manipulated by their father after the separation – we’re talking about toxic personality disorder here after all – and they will have to learn to carry their own baggage in any case.

But it makes a difference whether they have to grow up in a broken, toxic, lying “family” in which an unhappy mother becomes smaller and smaller and doesn’t dare to become herself.

Or whether they experience how their mother breaks free, develops a previously unimagined strength and can warmly and empathetically accompany the children through this difficult time after the separation. And they can experience how big problems can be solved.

Yes, even if the ex is a terror and the visits are difficult!

There are always ways to build up courage and hope, even in the most difficult times. Just keep going with small baby steps. Put one foot in front of the next.

You will gain an incredible self-confidence that you never thought possible before.

You will develop a strength that you didn’t know you could activate.

To give your life a chance to change, you have to change something. Make a decision, for example. And then follow through on it.

You can no longer sit at home and hope that he will change. If you suspect that your husband has a narcissistic personality disorder, then he won’t be able to change. No matter how often he promises to do so.

He will sit with you at the couples therapist, resistant to counseling, and be mean to you before and after or punish you with days of silence for dragging him there.

He will simply not take the agreements you made there seriously and will continue not to care.

You can’t change him, sweetheart. Only he himself can do that – and since narcissists don’t realize that they’re doing something wrong in their dealings with others, that’s not going to happen.

So only you can change your life situation. By going your own way and finding your own path to personal happiness.

After the break-up

There are four key areas that you need to keep an eye on afterwards and that you should mentally prepare for:

1. Setting your financial independence in motion
2. Court cases, which are very likely to come (definitely if you were married)
3. Your support network, even if only virtual, if you live in the sticks.
4. The activation of new sources of energy and strength

Your financial independence is the be-all and end-all after separation

Yes, even if you were a housewife for years or only had a low-paid part-time job! This MUST become your priority.

Just don’t give me the “Oh, money isn’t that important to me…” line. That’s “we women are oh so modest” – muckety-muck!

You need a good financial cushion – not only during the separation phase in court, but also for later. If your current lawyer wasn’t the most successful, you can at least find a better one at a later date if you want to challenge a court ruling again.

Ultimately, it is quite possible that your ex will not pay maintenance or will pay it irregularly.

So please make sure that you don’t get stuck with him.

Of course, I know that it’s not easy to build up a good financial cushion from one day to the next. But that has to be your goal!

If you don’t have a well-paid job, look around for something better. What can you learn yourself to qualify for a good job?

When the children are young, of course, your options are more limited and you can’t immediately take a 40-hour job in the next town. But what could you do from home? There are an incredible number of opportunities on the internet to earn something on the side and – who knows? – maybe even start your own business later on.

I’ve already written about this in this blog article.

Perhaps your employer will agree to an increase in hours so that you can work some of the hours from home when the children are in bed? That’s what I did after the separation, for example.

If you’re stuck here and are going round in circles, get in touch with me and let’s talk about it. I offer short-term job strategy coaching, which will give you clarity in no time at all on how you can move forward.

Inevitable court cases

Prepare yourself mentally for the fact that your ex-partner will lie through their teeth. And will also get away with it very confidently with outsiders.

Your task will be to always stick to your truth, not let him make you feel emotionally insecure and learn to control your fear that he could take your children away from you (right, he’s already threatened that, hasn’t he?).

I am also happy to offer you my support – my short-term coaching package “Court Royal” is designed precisely to prepare mothers mentally for court proceedings and to strengthen their attitude.

Build up a network of supporters

There are already many different mothers’ groups on Facebook besides mine (in German). There’s sure to be one for you that will help you not to go completely crazy in the toxic madness that your Ex is spreading.

Of course, you can’t beat direct contact with other mom friends. Some mothers find each other in real life through Facebook groups, which is simply wonderful.

Have a look at what you can do locally. What mother-child groups are there, perhaps a church association that organizes regular meetings?

If your child is already at school, it’s best to make sure you have good contact with the parents of their best friends.

Just keep your eyes and ears open and keep your radar peeled.

​Activate new sources of energy and strength for yourself

Narcissists literally suck all the energy out of your body with their toxicity. Especially when a court case lasts several months, you absolutely need new sources to regenerate yourself mentally and spiritually.

To find such a source, ask yourself

• What do I particularly enjoy doing?
• What did I love to do as a child?
• What makes me lose track of time?
• What activity doesn’t make me feel exhausted afterwards, but rather refreshed and in a good mood?

One mother gets creative feelings of happiness when baking cakes or writing stories, another by doing sport. I, for example, recharge my batteries by being out in nature with our dog.

In general, pets can be wonderful sources of energy! So if you work from home a lot and the children are a bit older, there’s really nothing to stop you, is there?

Your source should be independent of other people, i.e. don’t make sport dependent on the availability of your girlfriend.

You absolutely need one or more inexhaustible sources of energy all to yourself.

This is your personal insurance policy that you can use to pull yourself up from a low after your relationship with your ex at any time.

What positive sources of energy have you already found for yourself? Write them in the comments below so that other readers can benefit from your ideas too.