Are you about to have a custody evaluation soon and are terrified – because on the one hand you have no idea what to expect, and on the other hand you have read more and more horror stories about mothers who have had to go through this evaluation procedure?

Then this blog article is for you, sweetheart.

I’ve already written extensively about how I feel about and think about the custody evaluation process and so-called “expert opinions” in family court proceedings.

In this blog article, for example, I talked about how you should – if at all possible – avoid getting escalated to this level, and what your strategy with your lawyer should be to argue against it in court.

In another article, I listed a kind of checklist for you to go through with your lawyer if an evaluation becomes more and more likely – you can definitely do more than shrug your shoulders if the judge indicates that he is considering an evaluation.

But what do you do if you know this, have tried it together with your legal advisor, but it doesn’t work and the evaluator is about to arrive at your door?

What is the best way to prepare yourself for a custody evaluation?

As you hopefully already know, I am a coach and not a legal expert. I have (thankfully) never personally had to go through a custody evaluation procedure.

So what can I tell you about it?

Wouldn’t it be much better if you spoke to women who have already been through an expert evaluation so that you can find out first-hand how the process works?

That’s exactly how most people think.

And if you proceed in this way, then you have fallen for a major error in thinking.

The error in thinking

“All custody evaluation procedures are the same, and if I talk to another mother who tells me what she should have done differently and I apply that, then I’ll be successful.”

I have now helped hundreds of mothers through their court proceedings as a coach with Court Royal and in the Club of Courageous Mothers. In most cases, an expert opinion was actually obtained.

I have observed this and during this time I have developed a certainty that boils down to the following:

As long as you are connected to yourself and centered, you can’t go wrong.

If, on the other hand, you are completely confused, still feel helpless and dependent on other people, then it doesn’t matter what advice you follow – it won’t work.

You MUST first find your center and become calm (this is exactly what happens when you have found your stable center) in order to be successful – be it in the courtroom or during the assessment.

The evaluation process is highly dynamic

Family court proceedings are highly dynamic and involve many, many X-factors that are unique to each mom:

• The judge(s)
• The guardian ad litem
• Your toxic ex’s legal counsel, who will pass on all of your ex’s lies to the court (it’s their job)
• Your Ex!!!!
• The employee(s) of the youth welfare office
• Your own legal counsel, who hopefully knows their way around toxic opponents (on this occasion: here’s my blog article for you on how to find the best legal counsel)
• Your child – or if there are several – each individual child and their highly individual needs
• the assessor(s) / evaluators
• and last but not least yourself! With your whole being, your personality, your belief system, your experiences and your traumas (we all have at least one, believe me!)

How can you then trust another mother who

• Had a different judge
• A different guardian ad litem
• A different youth welfare officer
• A different opposing lawyer
• A different toxic ex with another set of lies and another agenda
• Had a different lawyer
• A different expert witness
• A different child
• And most importantly is not yourself?

We tend to perceive the people we categorize as “more knowledgeable” than ourselves – simply because they have already had the experience and are very assertive – as superior.

“She will know, she has experienced it!”

But you don’t know with what attitude she went into the room.

You don’t know what condition the judge was in or what further training her guardian ad litem or youth welfare officer received shortly before the decisive hearing.

You don’t know anything about her belief system.

You don’t know anything about the situations she brought into being herself – be it with exclusively positive vibes or with negative horror nightmare fantasies that she rolled around in her head so often until they finally came true.

You also don’t know about the many good or bad micro and macro decisions she made the months and years before that ultimately took away some of the opportunities for the judge to make a different ruling.

Therefore, even if it’s your predecessor who had the same Ex, the same child welfare agency, the same legal counsel and the same court as you – you still need to be careful before blindly following her advice!

Because the likelihood that you will get the same expert as her – and if he does come to the same conclusion about you as he did about her – is very, very low.

After all, you’re not twins, are you?

Prepare for the interview with the evaluator

I always wonder why some people believe that you can make an evaluator believe you have a different personality than you actually do by preparing meticulously.

As a rule, trained psychologists use tests during the evaluation process. These are likely to expose any pretentious head answers.

So unless you have studied psychology yourself, I would definitely save yourself the trouble of answering the tests 100% “correctly” and in the sense of what you want to achieve – keeping the child, for example.

Yes, 75% of all evaluation results are incorrect.

So you could theoretically get all the answers “right” – if the evaluator is incompetent or overworked or sloppy, even the most correct answers won’t guarantee you’ll win.

And then there’s your (manipulated) child…

​How do you prepare your child for this?

Short answer: Not at all.

Let the child go into the interview with the expert as unbiased as possible, if such an interview is planned. The less it parrots adult sentences – an expert will hear that! – the better for you.

It’s quite possible that you think you have to offer your child “opposites” because it’s so full of sayings from the toxic Ex.

Nah nah. Give it a rest.

Manipulating the child is your Ex’s chosen “job”. Never put yourself on the same level as him, even if you want to teach your child the “right” phrases.

Better yet, concentrate more on your relationship and bond with your child – loooong before the expert appointment – and just do what you always do as a loving mom:

Be out and about with your child and do nice things. Play together, laugh, have fun. Listen to your child, cuddle them, recognize their personality and comfort them when they are sad. Encourage him to enter into other relationships – including with his father – and train yourself to talk kindly about the other caregivers in his life.

And you will see and experience that your child will radiate and share without argument exactly what they know and have experienced deep inside:

That you are a loving mom who is currently doing her best to ensure that the child can grow up as unscathed as possible despite the separation.

Let go of control

The greatest opportunity for inner development in this situation lies in learning what you need to let go of.

Control is one of them.

Many mothers are so practiced at controlling everything in their and their child’s life that they have to let go of it at the latest when a court case comes up, in which an expert opinion also becomes an issue.

You have no other choice, because all your attempts at control will only make you more helpless and crazy.

If you look again at the dynamic factors from above, you must have already realized that you cannot control all these people – the judge, the mediator, the youth welfare office employee, the opposing lawyer, your own lawyer, your Ex and also your child.

The only person you can exert direct control over is you!

And if you think that’s not enough, then you have no idea (yet) just how powerful this factor is, my dear!

How to best deal mentally with the evaluation process

Remember: A psychological assessment of your parenting skills (i.e. an expert opinion) is always just a snapshot.

No more and no less.

The expert witnesses a moment in your relationship and bond with the child – a flap of wings in the course of time that you spend with your child.

Of course it makes you insecure, especially when you know how much power an expert opinion has in the family court!

Therefore, the greatest potential for action (and therefore mistakes) lies in the time after the final report is available.

During the interview and exploration, it is best to be yourself and build on the fact that you always want the best for your child and therefore answer the questions to the best of your knowledge and belief.

What you should do AFTER the custody evaluation findings

This is really where you have the most room for maneuver and, in my opinion, is more important than all the preliminary skirmishes.

Make sure you clarify with your lawyer well in advance how you will proceed: Both if the expert opinion is good for you, but especially if it is not positive and it is obvious that the expert is following the wishes of the toxic Ex.

If the report is bad, your legal counsel MUST respond immediately, and in WRITING.

He/she has two weeks to make it official. Your legal counsel must ensure that this happens even if he/she is on vacation or sick. Therefore: Discuss this eventuality with him/her beforehand so that he/she can take precautions.

If your lawyer hesitates, then you have my permission to give him hell.

A bad, incorrect report should always be corrected – i.e. with a counter-report and/or at least a clear objection.

And no, don’t let your lawyer lull you into thinking “I’ll talk to the judge, I’m sure he’ll see it the same way.”

No way!

Verbal does not count.

Once a bad report has been officially submitted, things have to move quickly – and this is where a good lawyer definitely pays off!

To summarize: The best way to prepare yourself

If you still feel helplessly exposed to your Ex’s toxic attacks and highly vulnerable, then this is exactly the lever you can use – regardless of the date of the expert opinion!

Become stable first and find inner peace and confidence

This is my main recommendation for you based on everything I have observed in the mothers who have confided in me.

Because then you will radiate exactly the confidence you need when you have to appear somewhere and speak for your child – be it in court, at the youth welfare office or in front of an expert.

Your inner attitude always comes first.

Because you can’t mask it, never.

That’s why you can’t implement the advice of a confident mother who has decided positively in her favor 1:1 as long as you haven’t given yourself absolute priority in order to ground yourself first and gain confidence.

Once again:

With the right inner attitude, which is fueled by your positive thoughts about yourself and others, you can’t go wrong.

You can’t do anything “right” by not being connected to yourself.

You can recognize disconnectedness with yourself by the fact that you follow the advice of others even though you have a very, very bad feeling about it. You don’t listen to yourself and don’t take the time to enter into an inner dialog and come to your own clarity.

Therefore, the support you need now must be sought on a different level:

Where you learn how to find yourself again. And listen to yourself.

And I can assure you, that’s the best place to be when the waves are crashing over your head!

You have everything you need to rock this appraisal process, sweetheart. Never let it get you down!

In the Club of Courageous Mothers, I’ll show you how to find yourself. Bundled with lots of know-how about court and everyday parenting with a toxic Ex, you’ll become the confident captain of your sailboat, even if your evaluator is the biggest sourpuss under the sun and has the worst reputation of all.