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With this blog article, I am starting a three-part mini-series with belief-hammering that, as a mother with a toxic Ex, can severely hinder you and lead you to really big, fat mistakes that will burn heavily on your soul for years to come.

Let’s start with the classic that 99.9% of the empathetic mothers who follow me initially think (by the way, I used to be one of them too):

If I’m always nice to him, then he’ll be nice to me.

Do you also believe this? Or do you still hope for it, even though you already know deep down that your ex doesn’t think that way?

Let’s break it down and see how you can get rid of him again – without you having to become a rabid witch in the process!

Where does the belief come from?

Look at how girls have been raised for generations – then you’ll know. Working on this belief is basically feminist grassroots work!

As small children, we grow up with fairy tales in which the meek, quiet, hardworking, loving and, above all, pretty wins the prince and is allowed to move into the fairytale castle.

These virtues are not only emphasized in fairy tales, but also in religions.

Interestingly, it is mainly girls who are supposed to internalize these virtues. The boys, on the other hand, are daring, sovereign warriors or generous rulers, and if they are poor by nature, they are at least super smart and clever, so that they come into great wealth.

But don’t just look at the old fairy tales – today there are millions of best-selling dime novels, Rosamunde Pilcher films on television, or even the soap operas on early-evening TV, all of which follow the same pattern and thus keep it alive.

You see in color and with talking pictures (your brain loves colorful scenes, it particularly likes to accept them) how the gentle, loving heroine, with her delicate beauty, captivates everyone and finally also puts the grumpy, dark, handsome guy to shame with her unquestioning morality and faith in good, and ultimately tames him.

We internalize: With enough gentleness, you can conquer even the wildest and most evil person. Good always triumphs!

Apart from the fact that “good” and “being nice” are attributes that girls should strive for in the first place, they are not automatically bad!

If everyone thought like that, without exception, the world would really be all the more peaceful.

I think we can all agree on that.

The snag with this belief

is that it leaves out an important factor: the mental disorders that can occur, and also evil itself.

Is there an empathy gene? Scientists have found that about 10% of empathy is genetic, but 90% is controlled hormonally or by the sociocultural environment.

Interestingly, there is no evidence that the male genome differs from the female genome in this respect. So we are actually born the same.

Whether it is caused genetically or screwed up by upbringing or caused by a mental personality disorder: if empathy is lacking, empathy is lacking. People without empathy can’t even imagine what it means for the other person to feel pain or mental anguish.

People who have no empathy simply don’t care what the other person feels or thinks. Oh, even less than no matter – compassion is an abstract concept for them.

When two different ways of thinking collide after a separation

So now you come along and want to get this terribly upsetting separation over with as well as possible. You are very concerned about what it will do to the children. You have read up on the subject and want to do everything right so that your sweethearts still have a happy childhood.

You want it so badly!

To help you through this, you occasionally watch a nice New Age Happy Divorced series, where patchwork between separated parents actually works quite well, except for a few teenage runaways.

You are really willing and determined. You are not a witch, as is so often the case in the clichés of the toxic mother who withholds her children from the Ex!

And then your Ex comes to the transfer. He thinks – nothing.

At most, whether he will call the woman he picked up in the bar the night before. Or whether he can snatch the deal from his opponent. Or whether there is a toilet here somewhere.

When he turns up at your door, you remind him in no uncertain terms that he no longer has any success with you. He is no longer the shining hero. You have duped him. And your moving out costs him a lot – money, reputation and status.

He has to get back on the pedestal, and pronto.

So he demands. The children too on your next weekend, when you’re going to the circus. And of course the children are immediately hooked: circus!!!

You think, fully intending to be the good and gentle and understanding enlightened one: what’s a single weekend?

Then an email arrives. He suggests a certain amount of child support. You haven’t hired a lawyer yet and you can roughly see from the Düsseldorf table that this is 50 euros less – per child. And you think to yourself: “I don’t want to be like that and make a fuss about the filthy money.”

In the emails, he is – as before – indignant, angry, reproachful, reminding you of your wedding vows to love and honor him until death do you part, and immediately reproaching you for your current mistakes, because you haven’t packed the complete parenting survival kit and the new rubber boots for the boy look like they’re from the discount store. The child also has to go to the hairdresser again this week – don’t you have that under control or what are you doing with all the money?

Hmm. In the movie, it works even when the couple is living apart, and even with different views, the parents come together again to find a common denominator.

Why doesn’t it work for you? Aren’t you doing enough to keep the peace between you?

And now you’re really putting your shoulder to the wheel. You’re going to counselors, maybe even talking to the youth welfare office, and devouring well-meaning articles on the internet that are written in a deliberately neutral way and all say the same thing:

“It takes two to tango!”

You’re very likely the first to suggest mediation or joint parenting counseling.

But none of this helps.

Because all these measures and actions can only be effective if both of you are determined to create a good basis for the children. If both of you allow the other parent to retain his or her dignity and the bond and relationship with the child.

But a toxic ex with a suspected narcissistic personality disorder doesn’t think that way.

He thinks: I want it! And I am ENTITLED to it!

And the more you give in to his demands – because you are the meek one and “don’t want to be like that” – the more he will demand.

It simply doesn’t matter if you gave him something yesterday.

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Today is today, and today he wants THIS. How – you’re not giving it to him? You’re bad!

This accusation knocks you out. How can he even think that? And you give in again to prove once more that you are the nice one.

The extra, spontaneous weekend turns into an extra afternoon on Wednesday. The extra afternoon during the week turns into an extra overnight stay. That’s already an extended arrangement. And in the end, he wants the alternating residency model and finally files a petition with the court.

From the very beginning, while you are still thinking that you don’t want to escalate the dispute and think that you would provoke it if you were to talk to a lawyer, your Ex has already pulled the strings.

And with your kind concessions, you have created facts that no judge will sweep off the table. Because the children have gotten used to it by now, even though it’s basically crap for them.

Your learning task

They do exist, the bad people who won’t back down. And you have one of them on the other side of the parenting relationship. You better get used to the idea, and if you’re still in disbelief, take this test.

The sooner you put on the brakes and draw a line, the better it will be for you and your child.

You have to realize: you can’t win in this game. You can’t convert him. You can’t heal him with your kindness and understanding.

You could be Mother Theresa herself – he wouldn’t care.

Do you have to turn into a bitter witch if you say “No!” to the circus weekend?

Of course not. You remain friendly and polite. You don’t have to explain or justify anything.

A simple “No” is enough.

If the circus is so important to the Ex, he will find another appointment on his contact days.

If you are at the beginning of your separation, ask yourself what kind of daily routine you want for your children. Think not only about this year, but also about the next three to five years.

If you have a toxic ex, the alternating residency model is an absolute no-go, that much is clear. So keep all efforts in this regard in check.

The empathetic mother, who is kind and good, is happy when the children enjoy spending time with their dad on the weekend. The children are allowed to say great things about their dad without her contradicting them. She keeps the children out of the stress of the separation as much as possible.

But an empathetic mother can also be smart and clever, setting boundaries early on and carefully making sure that they are not crossed.

What could your new guiding principle be?

I am happy when I am treated kindly and gently, because that is my nature! I show everyone else friendly but firm boundaries that are good for me and my child.

Sweetheart, how does that read to you? Do you recognize this guiding principle? Then please leave us a comment below – thank you very much!