Do you think that every now and then – with a deep heaving sigh? If only he would finally do what I tell him to do, or what the judge or the mediator or the lady at the youth welfare office or the guardian ad litem or the neighbor have already told him to do!

If only he would finally do what we agreed!

If only he would finally do what should be obvious, because every normal person should have a rough idea of how to deal with a small child!

And you get annoyed.

Constantly – again and again with bewilderment.

How can he?!

Yes, on your parenting journey with a toxic Ex partner, you still face a mystery many times.

What is going on in this man’s head?

However, this question brings you absolutely no further.

Apart from the fact that this question doesn’t help you with anyone – not with your Ex, nor with your neighbor, nor with your brother, nor with your boss.

You are focusing on the inside of other people, which you can neither see nor control.

You honestly don’t have to understand it. Unless you are a scientist studying human behavior based on certain dynamic environmental factors.

Instead, you should concentrate on yourself. There is a wonderful potential for development there!

And I don’t mean that ironically.

I mean it very affectionately, because if you know that you are given enough space to learn here, then you will also put a stop to your thoughts of helplessness and victimhood!

There is a huge discrepancy within us savvy moms, who are quite well educated and intelligent, that I would like to explain to you in more detail in this article.

The discrepancy between our desire to control everything in our lives, so that everything goes “right”, and the fact that we cannot control other people.

Especially a toxic narcissistic person.

That’s what’s so confusing – we’re used to tackling things, informing ourselves, and then working through the individual steps, just as other intelligent people have taught us before: Which step to do first, then which one next, then that one, and finally that one.

At least, that’s how it has always worked in our professional lives.

Hello, Six Sigma black belt project manager, I greet you very warmly! 😘

But you’ve probably also found in your work life that systems and procedures only work as well as the human factor in between.

You were probably able to handle that well, because work is work, and it’s a whole different ballgame when it’s suddenly your three-year-old who isn’t buckled up in the car by your toxic Ex, as the neighbor once told you in confidence.

And how many emails you’ve written him about it! Indignant, from above, appealing to common sense messages, which all came to nothing.

Which infuriates you even more, if you only think about it.

And your Ex? He probably “rejoices” at every one of those emails.

Ahhhh – energy! And so much of it!

But maybe he doesn’t care either.

By the way, I would like to remind you as well – that it’s not your business what your Ex does in his dealings with the child.

Take note: I’m not saying that it’s okay if he doesn’t strap the child in. I’m not saying it’s ok for him to show the child that you can go through a red light.

I’m just saying that you can’t control that. And you are therefore, completely to your own detriment, racking your brains on how to get him to think like you.

Because in order to be able to raise the child according to your ideas, he would inevitably have to think the same way you do.

But he doesn’t.

No one else thinks exactly like you, sweetheart.

Nor can you assume that only you know what is absolutely right for your child. 

However, you are welcome to let go of this pressure that you must always do the right thing for your child to have a happy childhood.

Your child may not be experiencing an ideal childhood now, but who’s to say that all other childhoods can’t be beautiful?

Your child may not have the cozy, perfect family in the suburbs with a garden and a dog and a pair of parents who love each other dearly – but who’s to say that your child can’t be extremely happy with you in a pretty three-bedroom apartment, with beautiful autumn walks, lots of laughter and wonderful quality time?

And yes – even if childhood is overshadowed by years of wrangling in court – who’s to say your child can’t still become a happy adult?

Do you see what I’m getting at?

The external circumstances in which your child grows up are one thing.

Your attitude as a mother is quite another thing.

If you are desperately struggling with the fact that your Ex is not doing what you would like him to do, then you are giving him and the circumstances in which your child is growing up an incredible amount of power.

It is not the circumstances that make your child unhappy. It’s how those circumstances are dealt with by the adults he has as role models.

He certainly senses that his dad is different from his mom and that “something is wrong” with him, but he can’t put a name to it. Therefore, he looks at you, because he needs at least one healthy parent to look up to.

And what could be better than to have a role model who is calm, confident, loving and clear? 

A lighthouse visible from afar on a stormy sea?

(The lighthouse, by the way, doesn’t swim to the ship either, taking the helm of the irresponsible captain who is drunkenly heading for the reef. But that’s just in passing.)

Your job in the course of your parenting journey is not to have to control everything so that no harm comes to your child. You can’t stop it, even if you were to keep your child home all the time and didn’t have a toxic Ex.

And even if it upsets us when a toddler stumbles and bumps his head so hard that he bleeds – it’s part of growing and maturing until he’s physically balanced enough to walk more safely.

It really only gets bad when the child learns from the adults that this is all really, really bad now and that he will never be able to cope with what he is experiencing now.

You should never give your child this feeling!

He will manage everything – if you deeply believe in him yourself.

I want to reassure you, sweetheart.

I want to tell you that you’re doing everything right – because you’re always making the exact choices that are good and right for you at that very moment.

And yes – later it may turn out that this or that decision may have been a mistake.

But you cannot guess which doors will open in your life afterwards!

Therefore you cannot create a project plan for your life, which, if followed precisely, will bring exactly the result you intended.

There is never only one solution – there are always many.

Provided, you learn to let go of the compulsion to control everything and everyone in your child’s life – you will find how much easier life becomes for you and, in turn, for your child.

As you learn to redirect the focus from the Ex to yourself and trust more and more that you can become a wonderful beacon for your child, you will radiate so much self-acceptance and love that your child will always feel protected and noticed.

As you redirect the focus from the Ex back to you, you will gradually let go
And that is a very wonderful, relieving feeling, because now you are no longer paddling against the current beyond your strength.

By focusing on yourself and trusting in your abilities and talents, which you can share with your child so he can emulate them as well, you learn what true self-love is.

What could be better for a child than to have a mother like that?

Screw your ex, sweetheart.