After all, there are very clear recommendations on how you should deal with a toxic narcissistic Ex partner: No Contact! This is the best advice of all that can be given to a woman so that she learns to get out of the emotional energy entanglements and rigorously cut the man’s means of control.

So no more calling and congratulating on the occasion of relevant holidays. No more texting reminders for the day of getting to know each other or for the wedding. The best thing to do is to ban the man from Whatsapp and the Facebook circle of friends and, if possible, not to celebrate any more joint celebrations by informing friends and family.

Maybe not so easy at the beginning, especially if you are co-dependent. But doable.

Definitely.

It becomes much more difficult when you have children together. Then, all of a sudden, a lot of outsiders start talking: the youth welfare office, mediators, judges and guardians ad litem about how they imagine your parenthood in the future.

The coming years of parenthood together will be a great challenge, because with a child, a toxic ex has the most effective energy line to you, which you cannot simply cut. And that for years!

But that’s doable too, sweetheart, that’s what I’m here for, to help you with that and gain whole new, happiness-inducing perspectives!

But what if you have a dog together? Or you’ve acquired a cat in your relationship that your whole heart is attached to?

What if he’s possessive?

Or – oh horrors – what if he is so full of anger and hatred that he might hurt your pet?

Let’s pick this apart one by one

Outsiders without pets often just shake their heads in incomprehension. But for empathetic people, a pet is a permanent member of the family and often a spiritual balance in a difficult everyday life. An animal like a dog or a cat builds up a relationship with its owners, but without judging or criticizing their appearance. They love us unconditionally and are as happy as fools when we come home.

We give them our love, attention and lots of stuff to make them feel good.

And honestly – what is nicer than watching an animal sleeping? Ok – to watch a child sleeping. But after that, nothing comes for a long time…

Animals have a tremendous calming effect on our emotional balance. Therefore, even for stressed mothers, it is definitely worth considering getting a furry friend.

All no problem after the separation.

Or?

There are said to be ex-partners who even make demands on the child’s mother to take the dog with her so that the child likes to go to them – even if the dog belongs to the mother.

The answer is relatively simple and is part of setting limits after the separation. The child will also learn to deal with the fact that the dog is only with mom and that it can take a stuffed animal to dad. Anyway, he cannot take the dog to school either.

A dog is a living being and does not want to be constantly separated from its primary caregiver (see: alternating residency model for the dog, which also already exists).

But what do you do if it is your common dog and the Ex insists that it stays with him?

The right of contact with the child does not apply to a pet. A pet is a thing before the law and is one of the things of the complete household that must be divided after a separation.

If the former couple does not agree at the time of separation who owns the bookshelf, the washing machine or the dog, then all this can be settled in court.

And a judge will then decide. In the case of the dog, he will probably also look at who is the main caregiver, and where the dog can live best if there is room to exercise and enough time.

You see – toxic men ALWAYS find ways to keep their ex-partners on an emotional leash and be able to control them.

If they know that their ex-wife is very attached to the animal, it has already happened that highly toxic psychopaths try to harm the woman psychologically by causing suffering to the animal – up to letting it be put to sleep.

After all, they hate the happiness of others. And even more so the love of the woman, which is no longer given to them, but belongs to the animal and is shown without restraint.

How do you deal with it?

If you are still on the verge of moving out, avoid triggering the toxic Ex with excessive expressions of love for the animal.

Of course you take the animal with you immediately when you move out, provided you are the main caregiver! If the Ex is the real master, let go absolutely. You need the strength now for your child.

If you don’t know how to handle it because the ex took over one walk a day or you don’t have that much money and you think you can’t afford the animal at first, maybe not until later – realize that you are leaving a powerful emotional rope in the hands of the toxic ex.

A rope he can pull again and again to trigger an appropriate reaction in you.

This is bad enough with the child you share, but the feeling that there is another defenseless animal unprotected can be very stressful.

Under no circumstances should you make the mistake of thinking, I’ll leave the animal there for now and see how I get established, and then later bring the animal to me: Forget it.

At the latest, when you ask him to let you have the animal, your Ex has the upper hand and wants to have control over you again – and enjoys how you fidget.

Should you go to court?

Honestly? No.

You need your strength for your child, that’s enough. Remember that these are actually sideshows for his demonstrations of power.

Drain his energy by showing yourself to be emphatically boring and disinterested. Yes, even if you don’t feel like it.

It’s quite possible that he’ll then lash out in the other direction: “Your dog! Pick him up, I can’t take care of your crap anymore, besides, I have the last vet bill here, you have to pay it!”

And even if you think his viciousness is breaking your heart right now – always remember:

You come first. 

Then your child.

Then the dog or cat.

Wherever possible, deprive him of the possibility of you emotionally sledding together with him. No matter if it is about the child, the dog, the cat or the convertible, which you helped to finance.

The time after the separation from the toxic Ex is a marathon, which you can only win if you emotionally detach yourself from his antics and come into your clarity. I’m happy to accompany you through this process – whether it’s through coaching or one of my group programs.

Do you know this situation, sweetheart? Does your Ex continue to try to hurt you via the pet as well, or has he? How did you get out of this situation? Please write it in the comments.