If you come from a toxic narcissistic relationship where you were manipulated and emotionally abused, it is very likely that you have built up a great deal of fear over time.

For a pathological narcissist, it is of utmost importance that no one be allowed to be “above” him. Not only in the job among colleagues of the same rank, but especially in the partnership and marriage.

You had to remain or become “small”.

Many narcissists are initially quite enthusiastic about the strong personality of a woman.

If a woman is strong and sovereign in a field or has a natural, open courage, then she certainly reflects what a man who has a narcissistic personality disorder longs for himself.

For narcissists usually have a weak self-worth despite having a big mouth – narcissism is merely the chosen survival program of the ego.

I personally have this hypothesis here

If a woman is self-confident and strong in all areas of life and has internalized a good, stable self-worth, she will not enter into a relationship with a narcissist. And if she does – thanks to a drunken evening in mental derangement – she will realize this in no time at all and will say goodbye right away.

Now there are also women who are very self-confident in certain areas of life, but still have a very modest self-esteem. They base their self-confidence on their successes at school or at work, or on their athletic achievements.

But these are all factors that, while outwardly contributing to a positive self-image (“I am successful.”, “I can negotiate.”, “I can present well.”, “I am good at languages.”, “I can drive a car well.” And also, “I am beautiful and have good genes.”) – but do not change the self-worth, the innermost core, itself.

Good, healthy self-worth is expressed in thoughts and beliefs that go like this:

“I am good the way I am.”

“I don’t have to do anything to be loved and accepted.”

“Just by being born, I am a valuable person.”

If self-worth is supposedly based on external factors, then one gets into existential trouble at the latest when these factors break away.

When the job is suddenly rationalized away. When one grows old and no longer corresponds to the youthful ideal of beauty. When you have an accident and can no longer do sports.

And also when the above-mentioned beliefs about the external factors that one still had before the relationship with the narcissistically-disturbed man diffuse away.

Nothing easier than that!

​Because what does a pathological narcissist do, as soon as he has conquered such a self-confident, strong woman, after the love-bombing phase?

The inner, unconscious program is started, according to which he must gain control over the relationship and the woman. He must be “on top”, she must be “on the bottom”.

So, constantly, with one or another subordinate clause, the basic conviction with which the woman came into the relationship is undermined.

“Well, you’ve done well for yourself! You said THAT to your boss? That’s a big mistake!” to the woman who is respected and appreciated by superiors and colleagues and is about to get a raise.

Every mistake, no matter how small, is pointed out. Every flaw emphasized. Physical flaws that didn’t used to itch the woman at all are highlighted and puffed up: “Whoa – you’ve got funny toes!”

If the woman continues her education in one area – buys books or expensive training courses – a guilty conscience is created: “Then we won’t have any time left!” or even “What do you need that for? Do you really think that will ever get you anywhere?”

If the woman has great fun doing something and is really good at it, boredom is expressed.

If the couple becomes parents and the woman has certain views and desires about raising children, it is ridiculed or the woman is put in the role of the classic wife and mother, to burn more and more the cliché into the woman’s heart, which she was able to consciously exclude the years before with her successful career.

Do you recognize yourself there, sweetheart?

Are you one of those professionally successful women who fell for a narcissist?

Don’t fret – you’re not alone!

Humble self-worth is the common key between an empathic woman and a narcissist. And for this reason, both attract each other like light attracts moths.

Therefore, it is no wonder if after a few years in a relationship with a toxic narcissistic man, the professionally confident woman has become an anxious woman.

By now she has internalized the man’s manipulative remarks because she has heard them very often.

Since the man does not mirror her and approve of how she is and what she is capable of, little by little her beliefs have gone over the edge.

She now no longer thinks, “I am a successful woman.” or “I can do this.”

Rather, she now thinks, “I don’t know if I can do this anymore.” And “What’s my future going to look like? Is this going to go on forever?”

And she gets really, really scared.

If she then finally frees herself from the relationship and dares to take this courageous step – simply because it’s no longer possible and everything inside her is screaming that she has to change something – then a toxic-narcissistic ex really turns up the heat.

What – she dares to dupe him? Well wait…

He needs to be “on top” again, in control. Absolutely!

Since the child is the most important instrument for this and has the mother’s intimate love, all levers are set in motion. He will win, that much is certain!

It is this terrible toxic energy which reinforces the fear accordingly. And the beliefs and convictions that a woman has nurtured about him and herself in the relationship are confirmed.

Since the woman’s self-esteem was based on external factors, and these factors disappeared because of the ex’s sayings and remarks, there is nothing left but the puny self-worth that the woman still had before she went into professional life and took her first laurels.

So – what to do?

Let’s first note that you did everything right.

But yes!

Everything has just led you here to this article, and you are now standing there looking for solutions.

And that’s very good, because this is also your chance to dissolve an age-old pattern of beliefs and inner convictions that have never served you well and that have led you straight into a relationship with a narcissist.

In a parenting relationship with a toxic ex, you can no longer ignore this old belief system. You MUST face it, because otherwise it will only get worse!

So how do you go from fearful to courageous despite your toxic ex rampaging around?

It’s simple and yet so hard: By focusing on YOU, and not on him and what HE is doing or thinking.

Hopefully, you’ve already noticed that I’ve built a framework in the Brave Moms Club where I guide you to redirect your focus to exactly that.

But it also works much more specifically with my DEXKADIMA® program. DEXKADIMA® stands for “screw your ex”, and with this online program I help you to really not care about your toxic ex.

And this inner shift in your attitude alone is worth emotional gold!

Just one exercise I’d like to give you today so you can see for yourself how a different focus can work:

• Take out your journal and start a new page with “I am a brave woman because….”
• Then list all the incidents in your life where you have demonstrated courage. Not just recently mind you, but in childhood, adolescence, adolescence, before and during relationships, and after.

I bet it adds up to quite a bit!

Because indeed, sweetheart: you ARE a brave woman!

The fear that accompanied you in the relationship with the toxic ex is just a manipulated layer that you can shed now. Because you have proven many times that you could go through difficult phases.

Because you are good the way you are.

You don’t need anyone from the outside to tell you how valuable you are! Neither your boss, nor your colleagues, nor your landlord, nor the assessor.

The evaluation is always done by yourself – by allowing opinions from others to shake or uplift you.

There’s some onion layers waiting for you!

Want to tackle it?

Then check out DEXKADIMA® and subscribe to FeelBold Friday.

Have courage – you can do it!