There are some situations where we moms wish the weekend of visitation to hell because we don’t want it and it hurts us deeply personally.

But what to do when the child himself doesn’t want to go to daddy?

We ourselves can still rise above ourselves heroically by analyzing ourselves clearly and seeking external help or distracting ourselves if necessary, but if the child has a problem with the weekend, all mothers’ protective instincts go into the red alert position.

And that’s the way it should be.

However, a clear assessment becomes more difficult the smaller the child is at the time.

It’s true that children are very sensitive to their parents’ moods with their seismographic antennae, and they will show solidarity with us if they sense what a problem we as mothers are having with the contact weekend.

If, on the other hand, you’re valiantly trying to get your life together and plan your weekends off, it’s not great when your kid tells you on Friday that he’d rather stay with you today. Goodbye, nice concert evening!

As we already know well enough: Contact is a must. Constant interaction with the father is important.

That’s why we often make a fool of ourselves, hide our feelings and pretend to be cheerful and calm with the child. Or is it?

Some educators, on the other hand, sometimes say that children quickly figure out how to make us do their bidding.

Nevertheless, we should be careful not to pigeonhole our children across the board. Because if we actually fail to notice them with their worries and fears, then we do more damage than we might like.

Let’s take a closer look at two scenarios.

Scenario 1) Your elementary school child gets an unexplained tummy ache just before he is to be picked up. When asked, he tells you he’d rather lie on your couch and have a hot water bottle.

Check a): Are you having trouble with the Ex or are you afraid of spending the weekend alone?

Check b): Do you have plans of your own (girls’ night out, date, continuing education, etc) that you are looking forward to?

If you answer a) with no and b) with yes, it can’t be your fault.

In this case, cancel the weekend of contact and / or offer the father to bring the child himself the next day when he is feeling better.

If the abdominal pain miraculously disappears right after the cancellation, this is an indication that you can investigate.

Let’s not kid ourselves, though: You can run into a lot of headwind, depending on how your ex is. If there is a power imbalance between you, it can even be extremely unpleasant for you.

In that case, please take careful notes of what he says or keep his emails.

Of course, a father will also be very disappointed if he has been looking forward to his child for a long time, no question. But showing a healthy disappointment or violently verbally attacking you for it, as if you invented the stomachache, are two completely different things.

Such a situation must always be seen in the overall context. If the father only sees his child every two or three months because he lives too far away, this is of course a completely different level of frustration that is demanded of him than the classic every-second-weekend-around-and-in-between-one-afternoon-a-week dad.

A small tip on the side, in case you can still talk or are currently trying to regulate the contact in court: Talk through such a situation in advance, how you will handle it, so that you know approximately what you can expect.

Of course you will talk to your child after the miraculous recovery. Say that you felt there was something other than the tummy ache that made him not want to go to daddy.

Depending on what he tells you then, you can deduce the next steps:

• Talk to the father about it;
• Talk to a child psychologist;
• Contact the youth welfare office or the child protection agency.

If you are currently in a clinch regarding regular contact, it can be interpreted extremely negatively in court if you unilaterally suspend contact completely for a while.

Therefore, make sure you know what you are doing beforehand.

Make notes so that you can document everything in case he gets really mean to you.

Scenario 2) Your 4-year-old child hides behind you at pick-up or runs into his room away from dad. When asked, he tells you some confused reason.

Do you want to hear my honest, politically incorrect opinion?

Cancel the weekend of contact and do not give the child to the father until the facts are clarified.

Also, see a child psychologist immediately if you notice that your child is really distressed.

One mother told me about this situation and still remained steadfast that the child should go with him. And deeply regrets it today. It wasn’t until many years later that she realized what an actual predicament she was in.

She had been completely surprised by the reaction at the time and had not expected it. The child had always been very fond of her father until then. The son told her at that memorable pickup that the ceiling was painted so dark – even though the father hadn’t painted – and that was why he didn’t want to go.

She had always been sure that her ex didn’t hit the son or otherwise become physically violent. And so her first thought was that the son was trying to test his limits because he preferred to play Lego now (!).

Today she knows that she was probably also afraid of the reaction of the Ex. The relationship between the parents was extremely tense at that time, there were extremely ugly scenes, even in public, and she was therefore particularly eager to be accommodating and neutral in facilitating the weekends of contact.

She was convinced that he would have exploded, at least verbally, if she had sent him home again without the child.

By the way, the boy didn’t cry for God’s sake either, but “only” ran away or hid behind her.

Today she knows that her behavior at that time was not right.

As it turned out a year later, there was big trouble in the house of the Ex at that time with the stepmother, who had been pregnant with the half-sibling. The child was probably a kind of lightning rod for problems between the couple.

This went on for about 3 – 4 weeks, after which the child began to look forward to daddy time again.

This is a trap, sweetheart.

And you fall into it just because you are so trained with your head ego to approach problems rationally and with school/study knowledge.

But that won’t get you anywhere with your type.

The only way you can get a handle on the problem of “parenting with a toxic Ex” is to work on your inner mindset, your self-worth, and also your belief in a different future.

And that’s exactly what’s not quite as handy as a theorem you crammed in college.

In fact, when we go into inner work, it very quickly becomes spiritual.

Some call it the universe, others God, still others the highest self.

And since this is where the educated academics wave it off with a tired smile, that’s just the way it is:

Those who get involved and give it a try change their lives to a previously unprecedented happiness. They manifest a future they would never have dared to wish for before.

And the others who wave it off get their beliefs confirmed – that the world out there is bad, the legal system sucks for moms, and the fathers’ lobby is exceedingly powerful.

Each of these two camps believes they are in the right.

Only one camp just has a nice life. Not because it’s so woefully naive and feeds on placebos.

But because we simply don’t think we already know everything there is to know.

And now guess which kids grow up with a broader foundation of perspectives and choices…?

I ask you, Sweetheart: if you’ve already tried everything “school” has taught you and it’s gotten you nowhere – why not just try something completely new?

Something your parents would just shake their heads at? Or your old professor from university?

You always have a choice. Trouble and struggle is one choice – focus on your life is another.

My offer for you: My Power Brain Detox program.

Very different. Goes deep and changes your thinking. And your life.

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I’m Heidi Duda, 54 years old, a coach with a child and a dog, unstudied but incredibly inquisitive. I soak up everything that could help us – and that is not so much knowledge about narcissism as knowledge about how to use the energy in our sense – for good – and build a wonderful, full life.

Despite a toxic Ex, who will now be with us for a few years through the child.

How do you see it, sweetheart? Completely absurd or are you ready to jump over your shadow?

Please leave a comment below this article, I’m already very curious!