In 2017, when I started focusing very specifically on mothers with toxic Ex partners in my coaching support, I perceived court dates to be the very biggest mental hurdle for “my” mothers. But what about a mediation appointment?

Of course – from the stress factor point of view, this is followed by an appointment at the youth welfare office; after all, this is also an official appointment at an authority that looks from the outside to see if everything is legal what you as parents are doing with your child.

When I developed my Court Royal Coaching program – at first only 1:1 in private coaching, later as an online course for self-learners – I still only had the concrete preparation for the court proceedings in mind.

After all, the appointment at the youth welfare office is “still about nothing”. Of course, the first course is set here, which opinion and attitude the Youth Welfare Office employee takes, and it can develop into a considerable dynamic factor later, when it does go to court.

Nevertheless – final decisions are still made by the court.

I was really amazed, however, when one or the other of my private clients approached me again after various successful court hearings and after our time together had expired and requested extra hours to prepare for mediation with me.

At the time, I just thought, WTF?

Coaching help before a mediation?

How absurd is that?

To me, mediators are great idealists who want to help mediate conflicts with gentle means.

Certainly no one can imagine that a mother has to protect herself mentally from her intervention.

And yet that is exactly how it is. 

Because the professional neutrality so urgently required for mediation is what so immensely stresses mothers with a toxic Ex partner. Nothing is worse than an additional stage offered to the former tormentor – no matter in which setting.

Especially since the latter has no interest at all in ending the conflict peacefully. At least not if he is presumably narcissistically disturbed.

I explained this in detail in this blog article (midlife-boom.de/mediation) and in this one (midlife-boom.de/mediation-helfersystem) years ago.

Mediation is in itself the mildest of all interventions in highly contentious parenting matters – there is really nothing at stake here yet.

Except the said stage, which is offered to the Ex, in order to trigger the mother of his children again in front of third parties with relish and to defame her in front of others.

Now I advise every mother not to initiate a mediation of her own accord as soon as she knows that she very likely has an Ex with a narcissistic personality disorder on her hands.

However, it is common practice at the family court to send the parties to mediation after the first hearing, if this has not yet taken place.

So you are ordered to do this.

And now? What can you do?

It’s all about – as always, sweetheart – your mental attitude. And in this case you are exactly at the right place with me!

You can either give such encounters with outside, “neutral” third parties too much weight in your life and let them stress you out unduly – or you can focus on yourself and your strengths and work on finally letting go of your desire to please everyone for good. 

Because that’s what it comes down to sooner or later.

Getting upset and stressed inside when it comes to an important court hearing is understandable and perfectly normal – it’s part of the process. 

You can prepare yourself in the best possible way so that you can appear calm and confident (spoiler alert: my Court Royal program provides you with optimal support here), but most importantly through the clarity of your chain of reasoning that you build with it.

That alone serves to calm your nerves. 

It’s also what’s in your control – the building of your argument and the management of your emotions, which you get a handle on with this preparation.

I invite you to mentally look at this triangle of Family Court – Youth Welfare Office – Mediation from a different perspective – and not put it on one level and give it equal weight.

You might be thinking to yourself, “Who does that? Of course the court is at the top and most important!”

But I’ve met too many moms by now who are going crazy before mediation, so I like to question statements like that.

After all, the fact that they’re back in the same room with the mean Ex is a factor, but it’s also not the most significant stressor.

The main reasons lie deeper:

“Doesn’t anyone see how mean this person is?”

“Look what this man did to me!”

“Isn’t it outrageous what this man is instilling in the child?”

“I so want this to stop – please put your foot down, he won’t listen to me.”

“Hey – I’m the good one here!” and last but not least:

“Love me, please! I need someone to hold me right now.”

All mothers go to official appointments in unison with this attitude – be it to a mediation, to the youth welfare office or to court.

Surely it is clear to you now why they then come out of such sessions completely disillusioned.

Nothing of what they actually want – love and recognition – can be gotten there.

When you read it like this, it becomes clear right away, doesn’t it?

It’s solely your expectations that make these official dates a gauntlet.

May I invite you into another level of expectation, sweetheart?

No, not what you think – that you’ll talk yourself into these sessions, for example.

But that you weigh them in order of importance:

Most important: family court proceedings

Important: Child Protective Services meeting

Optional and less important: Mediation

How about thinking of mediation and juvenile court appointments as more of a training option for the more important court hearing?

For example, you look at how fluently and convincingly you present your line of argument from the Court Royal program and practice that with real test subjects before the moment of truth comes.

This attitude alone will make you go into these appointments much calmer.

That leaves only one trigger:

The sheer presence of the man in the same room.

And you’ll learn to be objective about that, too, because he can’t hurt you anymore.

Why don’t you let him get up on stage and get excited?

His circus, his monkeys.

What does that have to do with you? Just because he calls your name? It has nothing to do with you – a narcissist projects where he walks and stands.

So please disengage from the idea that it’s about you personally.

Unless you put the shoe on – but then that’s your own decision, sweetheart.

I’ll show you here on Midlife-Boom how you can turn this off in the medium to long term, that you feel constantly addressed when your Ex is frolicking around, always calling your name.

À la: Imagine your toxic Ex calling – and you don’t go there….

It shouldn’t matter what he thinks. Period.