Again and again, mothers approach me, for whom the biggest stress is over after the separation. And it doesn’t look like the Ex will go to court again. He hardly bothers you anymore.

Everyone just goes his own way. The child is also out of the woods, has come to terms with the situation and is also doing his thing.

Every now and then there is a particularly toxic specimen, which doesn’t give up when the child is about to turn 18. But that is thankfully rarely the case.

So in case you’re one of those moms who’s relieved to finally find themselves in calm waters – the biggest stress is over, then this article is for you.

Now you might think that everything is wonderful, and many mothers who are still in the middle of the clinch are longing for this state.

The assumption is obvious that then paradisiacal conditions must prevail inside, and in the world around them, there are then really only the normal problems that just every man has so.

For example, the garbage can is overflowing because the neighbor doesn’t fold or tear apart the boxes, but leaves them whole.

Or you have trouble with a delivery, and the seller doesn’t want it the way you want it.

Or the weather throws a wrench in your garden party planning.

You get my point.

When moms like us are in the throes of courtroom stress and everyday hassles with a free-wheeling narcissist for a child’s father, a well-groomed bourgeoisie represents an almost heavenly mental goal.

Of course, you could go into politics now and point out the stinking conditions at the family court and its profiteers.

For example, point out that guardians ad litem have the power – and use it – to traumatize children by forcing them to talk because they were able to trick the mother into doing things together with the child’s father. And they don’t give up until the child finally gives in and says what the child’s father, the guardian ad litem and the judge finally want to hear: That dad is all great and they finally want to live with him at least 50% of the time, if not all the time.

You could also get involved in drawing attention to the fact that arbitrary experts are earning themselves silly from disastrous expert opinions, because today judges hardly dare to decide without expert opinions. And stand up for the fact that such expert opinions, if the judge wants to have one, this is also please paid by the state treasury and not by the highly contentious parents.

You could also join various women’s groups, actively support them and contribute a lot with your experience.

Or you could also write a book. In the hope of finally being heard and warning other women. And maybe you could pay off your debts faster.

You could also go into the work and accompaniment of affected children. Maybe you would like to become a guardian ad litem yourself, so that there are more of the good ones and the terrain is not just left to the bad ones.

Or if you’re already a lawyer yourself, you could specialize in clients who are parents with a toxic Ex-partner.

This will give you an incredible specific know-how, which will give you an enormous advantage over other law firms. Because contrary to the assumption that you have to stay generic to address all clients, it is far more time-saving and thus lucrative for you to focus on one topic and make a good name for yourself. (And if you plan to do this, or if you already only represent parents with a toxic Ex, please contact me. I’ll be happy to introduce you to my brave moms club).

You could also build a blog and coach moms yourself who are in the middle of it – like I did. 😎

You see, there are quite a few ways you can turn the lemons of the past into lemonade.

But alas.

Your head says “Yeah, that sounds good!” but your gut tightens up

Maybe you even got a guilty conscience now and think you have to do something now, so that the suffering finally comes to an end.

But just the thought of having to deal with all that crap again tightens your heart.

It’s enough for you to hear on Facebook what one mother was told in court, what you had to listen to 1 to 1 yourself years ago.

Perhaps you had already mercifully forgotten one or the other incident with the Ex, and now you might notice in active work that other narcissists are thinking of exactly the same thing, and you are reminded of it again unpleasantly.

And then you see posts on Facebook again with “Trigger warning!” and you feel bad right away. Just the word “trigger” is enough to start an emotional thought loop in you.

But don’t you dare read the post. You only feel bad, because the whole day you can’t get the post out of your head.

You see that this woman needs help

And maybe you’ve had a conversation yourself in the past, which has helped you incredibly well, and for which you will be eternally grateful.

You want to give something back and help to solve the structural problem!

And yet – you don’t really get going.

You procrastinate.

There is always something that is more important

There’s a great new project at work, or you’ve been promoted. Or you have just fallen in love and know that this man is completely different from your Ex.

You’re finding more and more reasons not to take action on behalf of concerned moms, and these reasons sound good and valid from the outside.

And you know what? I understand you very well. 💕

You went through a relationship with a toxic, possibly even a highly pathological narcissistic man.

You eventually got out of that degrading relationship.

He subsequently took revenge by the most perfidious means.

The system and the whole dynamic behind it contributed to the fact that you could not process your bad experiences, but had to justify yourself again and again. Unknowing strangers judged you and compared you with their own stereotypes.

If you also had a bad lawyer and no support in the family, you had to go through it all alone and were not protected. You weren’t taken by the arm and you weren’t assured that everything is perfectly fine with you, but that the system is sick.

Such an experience is called trauma

Your soul is now trying to protect you – with all the power at its disposal. It wants to avoid that you become retraumatized, and it will therefore do everything so that you do not expose yourself to such experiences anymore.

When you get into a trigger situation, you relive the trauma – because your soul and brain cannot distinguish that the situation described, which reminds you, was in the past and cannot happen to you now. And that you are protected now.

Therefore your innermost will work against it again and again, if you want to “do something now to change the system” from your head, but you are basically not ready for it yet, because the trauma is still too present and can be called up at any time.

Now allow me one word of caution, sweetheart:

You ARE NOT your trauma!

It is important to know and to have spoken it out that you have experienced trauma in your relationship and possibly afterwards in court. But it is not – and should never be – defining your identity!

Instead of saying, “I am traumatized,” it is better to say, “I have had a traumatic experience in court.”

Sentences that begin with “I am” have a powerful signaling effect on your subconscious mind – they determine your identity. And thus your core beliefs about yourself.

We often associate traumatized people and victims with helplessness and no power. This is not true in your case – but you must not “think” yourself into this state with your language!

So what can you do?

Well, if you want to heal the trauma, look around and see who offers trauma therapy in your city, and have a few initial conversations. Pay attention to your gut feeling, whether you would get along well with the therapist and whether you can open up.

Alongside this, you could also work on my Power Brain Detox course. In the course, I go deep into the beliefs and convictions you have about yourself and show you how to build counter triggers in bad situations. The whole course is a feel-good course that encourages you to create islands of time where you feel good.

So that you learn to think more and more differently and no longer give triggers a chance. By accepting them for what they really are: Memories of the past that you have behind you.

You could also join the brave moms club and slowly but steadily work your way towards “coaching other moms” – without feeling obligated to do so for all eternity.

Yes, with Midlife-Boom I want to create a platform where we mothers with a toxic Ex partner help each other and also contribute to changing the system in the long run.

But first and foremost, that includes thinking about you first and prioritizing your healing.

And your right to live a good life. ❤️

How do you see it, sweetheart?

Where are you today – and what are you doing with your experiences currently? Please write it in the comments – we inspire each other here! 🤗