What does poor self-esteem have to do with being attracted to toxic people? Quite a lot!

If you have just gotten out of a toxic relationship, sooner or later you will start to wonder:

How could this happen to me, how could I get involved with such a psycho?

The more you read about narcissism and personality disorders, the more you realize that there were – or even still are – a number of other people in your life who are similar to your Ex:

• people who constantly judge or criticize you and who can make you feel insecure;
• people who like to let loose but can’t take a hit themselves and are super sensitive;
• people who are incapable of empathy and only think of themselves and their own advantage
• people who constantly demand something from you but don’t want to give anything in return;
• people who demand special treatment from others because they see themselves as victims of circumstances and constantly keep you feeling guilty;
• people who can’t stand it when you’re successful and doing well and who manage to stop your emotional high because of a promotion or an inheritance or a new love in no time and turn it in the other direction downwards.

So, the bottom line is: people in whose presence you constantly feel you have to tiptoe around and watch every word you say.

It’s like an out-of-body experience – as though you were observing yourself from the outside. Almost like you were playing a role.

In any case, anything but authentic or even relaxed.

However, if you don’t manage to control yourself – because in the long run it’s really hard – you feel lousy and get a guilty conscience. You think about it for days and rack your brains over what you should have done differently.

You also realize that you don’t like being in this company and are relieved when you don’t have to meet with them.

Yes, even if you may not admit it to yourself right away – because it may be your mother who sits alone in her one-room flat, is not in good health and insists on calling you every day.

Right?

​Who can you think of right now, hmm?

Each of us knows a lousy boss or a stupid colleague who fits this description.

But if you examine your current and past acquaintances and your own family in this regard, it may come as a shock to you (is that how you say it?):

That wasn’t my first psycho-jerk at all! That was “only” the brilliant high (or rather low) point of my social contacts!

I believe the theory that we are faced with the types of people who reflect our unresolved deficits until we accept and work on them.

A toxic child father is something like the umpteenth lesson that we didn’t want to learn before because it wasn’t so obvious before him. Or we didn’t give it so much weight.

A previous toxic Ex with whom we have no children is more likely to disappear from sight and out of mind than one whom we have to continue to deal with in our daily lives because the external pressure is so immense and the court can order us to do so.

Even with a narcissistic mother, it is easier to at least keep your distance. This way, you can continue to avoid the nagging question of why you still give so much power in your life to a constantly belittling and criticizing person. Because you are the daughter, and that’s the way it should be. But at least there are now 400 km between us…

The more narcissistic toxic people have played or continue to play a role in your life, the more I dare to say that your own self-esteem is below average.

This inadequate self-esteem may have led you to choose a social or educational profession and to have a pronounced helper’s syndrome.

You may even have to deal with such people in your job again and again – all the more you are ashamed that you didn’t recognize the child’s father’s narcissism earlier. You with your expertise! With this training!

Don’t worry about it, sweetheart.

Your situation is much more logical and natural than you might think.

The lesson just needs to be learned, and that is now your task for the next few years, namely:

to build up your self-esteem in such a way that you have a natural protective shield around you that signals to toxic people without words from afar:

You’re not coming in here!

But how can that be done?

Of course it is better to have your self-esteem reinforced in childhood rather than having to laboriously deal with it and reprogram it as an adult.

But that’s just the way it is – we can’t change the past, only our actions and our thinking in the here and now.

Besides, it’s futile to reproach your own parents now and to wallow in self-pity. It gets you nowhere.

The good thing about it: What you consciously learn today, you can then pass on to your child and thus break the vicious circle.

On the other hand, it is really worth going deeper into this now – after all, you still have a few decades ahead of you, which may be better than the last few years. Right?

With these 6 steps you build up your self-esteem

What all your thoughts and feelings about yourself should ultimately come down to:

I am perfectly fine the way I am.

That is your goal.

Once you have internalized this core statement – and not just recited it to yourself, but have internalized it as true and real – then you have solved the task and can look confidently into your future love life.

And so, step by step, you can improve your self-esteem:

1) You keep a daily success diary

Every day you write down at least three things you have successfully mastered. As a woman. As a friend. As a mother. As a neighbor. As a tenant. As a daughter. As a customer. As an employee. As whatever.

2) Once a week, you write down ten abilities/characteristics that you like about yourself.

Don’t look at the notes from the previous week! After a month or two, go over them and compare. Do you always see the same things? Are there additions? Write a complete list together. Then hang it on the inside of your closet so you always have it in front of you.

3) Stand in front of the mirror and describe all the great things you see.

Concentrate on finding the good and positive first and saying it out loud.

Look at yourself the way you look at your child or looked at your child when he or she was very young – full of love and pride.

If that doesn’t work, how would your child describe you full of innocence and love? What does your child like about you?

Can’t think of anything? Then why not ask them!

4) Pay more attention to your thoughts in your daily life when you think about yourself. How do you talk to yourself internally? Make a mental note when you realize that you are scolding yourself more than you are proud.

Write the sentences in your journal and reflect on why you talk to yourself like that. Why isn’t this voice right?

Learn over time to let go of this self-scolding more and more. When such a thought comes up again, the image of it passing over you like a cloud will help. You notice the cloud and think to yourself, “Well, look, there’s that thought again. Interesting.” and let it pass without comment.

5) When talking to other people, ask yourself from time to time: Is this conversation okay? Do I feel comfortable?

If your gut tells you that you are not comfortable, give yourself permission to withdraw. If you can’t do it physically (important meeting with a client or in court), do it mentally by thinking “he/she must mean another person” and taking on an observer role.

No question about it: if you can walk away from it, then do it. So you leave the party, the coffee klatch in the office kitchen, the one-on-one with the ex, the virtual Whatsapp group, your toxic mother’s apartment.

You are worthy of having people around you and spending your time with those who are good for you and only want the best for you.

6) When you buy new stuff, pay attention to how often you think, “Ui, this is way too expensive for me! I don’t need that much or that expensive stuff.” Especially if you used to hear, “That’s enough for you – what do you need that for? It’s way too expensive!”

Insert: By the way, this modesty is anything but commendable, but has brought you exactly where you are now: With outrageous compromises in the first year of separation, some of which still upset you. It doesn’t make you a better person either – but I’ll write another blog article about that ;-).

Even on the tightest budget, you should occasionally treat yourself to something that reflects your current self-esteem. That might mean buying a very special chocolate creation from your favorite store once a month. Or you could save 10 euros each month from a luxury budget and then buy yourself a particularly beautiful silk scarf or those earrings you like so much once a year.

Another consideration would be to see which cheap items in your home have been annoying you for some time and which you could get rid of and replace with something more beautiful and of higher quality.

Remember: you are worth having and enjoying good and expensive things!

These are my best tips for you to consciously work on your new self-esteem.

And to give yourself the love that no one else but your children can give you at the moment.

Do you know any other tips? I look forward to your comment below!