Christmas is just around the corner. And with it comes a time when we feel most vulnerable to the narcissists in our lives.

As for the toxic ex-partner, we think back to all the bad holidays we’ve had to experience with him.

But there might also be that person or two in our family of origin who causes great annoyance every Christmas Eve.

A particular tendency of this personality disorder is to “crash” holidays (and also birthdays of others). Apparently, these days seem to trigger something in the narcissist that they can’t stand it when everyone sits peacefully at the table and wants to have a nice time.

Then, they proceed to make a theatrical spectacle over a small thing.

Or they are highly offended and don’t say a word during the festive meal after exchanging gifts because nobody went into raptures over their loveless gifts.

Or they angrily leave the table and withdraw and are not seen again.

The others are left shocked. The mood is destroyed, and everyone is preoccupied with the narcissist.

All the energy flows to him. Even when he is no longer in the room!

But there are also those who don’t disappear and are grumpy, but who like to say passive-aggressive things in your direction and “tease” you in front of others. In reality, they want to trigger your emotional reaction.

If you invite someone to your own Christmas party who has already spoiled your mood and your anticipation of a nice celebration with your loved ones, thanks to their “oh, what’s the point of all this Christmas shit”, and who has always had you “in their sights” by saying unpleasant things to you that were hidden behind a smirk and “now come on, don’t be so sensitive! It was just a joke!” – then please also realize that you are opening the floodgates to the next instance of emotional abuse.

Just the idea that we empaths, who – as we know deep down – are highly toxic, simply could not invite other family members who are highly toxic, causes us great discomfort. Or even uninvite them again! Oh no!

No, you are not automatically a better person if you continue to invite such people because you can’t see it when someone sits alone and lonely in their room. Although it speaks very much for you that you want to stay true to your values and kindness! It’s just that you need to know what price you’re paying for it.

You’ve seen this person devalue all your efforts and crash the holidays umpteen times before, haven’t you?

If you do it again this year, even though you have no proof that it will be better this time, then you haven’t learned your lesson.

You’ll just let yourself be triggered again and again and again.

How much are you worth to yourself? Isn’t this price clearly too high?

And another thing: your children are experiencing this. They see what this person does to you. And how you react to it. What you put up with. What you endure. How you let yourself be treated.

What do you think your daughter will learn from this?

Is that what you want?

No.

Spending Christmas with the toxic ex

Just don’t do it. Full stop.

Okay, okay. I’ve done it too, at a time when we were getting along relatively well again.

But it was a total step backwards. I was so longing for peaceful, intimate togetherness and was probably hoping for – well, what was it exactly? Certainly not a fresh start in the relationship. But perhaps peaceful co-parenting.

Ah, forget it.

Don’t do it for the children’s sake either. Of course the children want everything to go back to the way it was before! But it won’t be like that anymore either way. It’s always better for the children to have a clear line so that they can understand the separation as final, rather than this weird back-and-forth.

Christmas with the toxic in-laws

Absolutely not! What’s got into you?

It is certainly important for children to be able to develop and maintain a relationship with their grandparents. You also respect this level of relationship as your children’s, but it is not a level in which you need to be involved.

At least not at the price you would have to pay for it.

Christmas with your own toxic family members

So, now we come to the most difficult one.

If you really want to free yourself from the narcissistic co-dependence that drove you into the arms of your ex, then sooner or later you will have to face this task and detach yourself from your toxic family members.

No Contact.

Thank God you don’t have to share custody and visitation rights here. At least that’s something.

But what if your own toxic father has been sick for years and needs your help?

What if your toxic mother is used to you calling her every day, and you’re always polite and do it – even though you feel very bad afterwards?

Just the thought of having to uninvite your mother at Christmas gives you a guilty conscience and a stomach ache – because as a Christian-educated child, you love your neighbor and do good. And don’t the bad guys need a lot of our love? Especially at Christmas?

Arggggh! What a farce!

We are really in a pickle when it comes to our conscience, but – and I know you don’t like to hear this – you are the only one who can free yourself from it.

No new man. No new family. Just you.

By learning a single word: No.

Without justification. Without shame. Without a guilty conscience. But with a bold, clear boundary: This is my protective wall. No more.

You should save your guilty conscience for yourself. For all the times you’ve let people treat you this way.

That’s worth a guilty conscience!

Please don’t get me wrong – I don’t want you to torture yourself because this is too difficult for you and you want to live in accordance with your values. I just want to make it clear to you that feeling guilty is not appropriate when it comes to emotional abusers. If anything, you deserve their guilt.

But we can wait a long time for that to happen. A very long time.

You also know that you are a role model for your children. They shouldn’t learn that it’s okay to put down and tease their mother at the holiday table.

If you don’t feel up to it,

it may be that this tip comes too late, and you really can’t unload this person for the next week because the invitation was made weeks ago. Either way, you won’t be able to enjoy Christmas.

Then make a plan and prepare yourself.

Involve at least one person, e.g. a friend or a dear cousin – if you haven’t already invited them, do it right now – and describe your fears about how the evening might go.

Describe a few narcissistic behavior traits and ask them to pay attention to them that evening. Maybe you can send them a kind of checklist on their cell phone.

Every time a toxic family member makes an emotionally triggering comment that evening, whether overt or covert, your friend can check it off on your list.

Later, you can sit down together and go over what she noticed.

This has two very positive effects:

1. You have an outsider with you who will not leave you alone in the madness at the time of the offense and who will subsequently reflect that you are right in your feelings. This acknowledgment of your perception by your trusted friend is extremely healing.
2. Checking off a list and then discussing it is a factual analysis. It has nothing to do with you! It is merely a projection of the evil person onto you. This is your proof.

You can’t choose your relatives. You certainly don’t have to feel obligated to them if relatives have treated you poorly and as a doormat your whole life.

It is your life. Your way. Your recovery.

I sincerely wish you a Merry Christmas surrounded only by positive, warm and, above all, good people.