“Whaaat? Heidi, are you crazy? The man was so mean to me in the relationship and is now doing everything he can to make my everyday life with the child a living hell, taking me to court wherever he can – why would I feel sorry for him?”

Most mothers who follow me would probably react this way to this question. Are you already one of them?

I wrote “already” specifically. Because if you have a very empathetic personality, then pity is a completely natural reaction to the pathological behavior of a toxic-narcissistic ex-partner.

I observe this as a kind of phase – which, by the way, also passes – and which occurs immediately after the break-up, as soon as you have informed yourself fundamentally about narcissism and other personality disorders.

You probably also know stories from your Ex’s childhood in which his mother or father did some pretty violent things which likely contributed to the way your Ex has developed.

These must have been highly traumatic experiences for him. He was once a little boy of 4 – just like your son – and perhaps he was once locked in a dark cellar because he got up to some kind of mischief. And you can’t imagine ever doing something like that to your child. How cruel!

Your heart is overflowing. And you want to help.

However, wanting to help didn’t work during the relationship, and certainly not afterwards if he has developed a pathological personality disorder.

I don’t just mean narcissistic traits (we all have them to a lesser or greater extent), but in fact a full-blown disorder or psychopathy.

It needs to be dealt with by a professional – someone who has studied it – and your Ex also must admit he suffers from it, because if he doesn’t cooperate, then he can’t possibly improve his impulse control or attain emotional balance, let alone have an intimate relationship with anyone!

If you have read up on the subject of personality disorders, you will probably have read that only very few people are willing to undergo such treatment and that such therapies have little or no chance of success. After all, this clinical picture includes an exaggerated sense of entitlement and an attitude that excludes the necessary self-reflection “There’s something wrong with me, I have to do something about it to make my life better again”.

This pity phase harbors a great danger

I think this phase – while it does make you approachable and very likeable – it can also be extremely dangerous for you.

Because if your ex – depending on his toxic potential, which you can find out for yourself here in this test – uses this phase skillfully and is now tearful and desperate, he can open doors for you.

Then things like the alternating residency model, the generous transfer of possessions such as a car or furniture or even a settlement in court that you can no longer contest will happen.

So pity is the source of all the facts that you create yourself, and for which you’ll be kicking yourself in the head in a year or two when the pity has finally evaporated.

Count on it – your toxic Ex will make sure that this compassionate feeling disappears!

But compassion can also help you – in family court

I’ve already mentioned it above – feelings of compassion make you approachable and likeable.

In an interview with a lawyer, which I conducted exclusively in my German secret moms’ club, it became clear that we mothers don’t do ourselves any favors in court if we come across as cool and too detached.

Especially when you have someone like that on the other side, who presents themselves as a victim and even starts to cry and wallow in self-pity. If you stand there like a block of ice, it’s like an invitation for outsiders to think in clichés.

What does that mean in concrete terms? After all, I’m giving you the Gray Rock Method so that you can mentally protect yourself from his and other attacks.

This is important now, sweetheart: I want you to always and forever stay with yourself and connected to your inner self and not worry about what others and your ex might think of you.

In other words, if you feel compassion for your Ex’s life and illness, then express that (yes, even in court!) – but never let yourself get carried away with any agreements that would put a significant strain on your child’s everyday life.

Remain clear and focus on what your child needs at this stage of life.

You can show yourself the way you feel and think.

And you can also protect yourself mentally if you have good reason to believe that you could be attacked and hurt!

In the end, you will develop into a very unique woman and mother who appears in her full femininity and strength and therefore comes across as very authentic.

Outsiders will realize over time that they can no longer think of you in clichés – such as the overprotective helicopter mom or the vindictive ex-wife – because by listening to yourself and putting the child’s needs first and acting with integrity, you define a unique category called: <your first name>, wife and mother of<your child’s name>.

What else I have to say about compassion

Sweetheart, if you are currently in this pity phase, please be aware of it and be mindful of what you allow during this time.

Nevertheless, realize that you are not helping anyone with pity. Not your ex (see above) or even your child, for example, if you pity them for the father they have had.

Your fellow human beings need your compassion, but not your pity. Pity leaves the other person in a victimized position and weakens them enormously.

Compassion, on the other hand, gives a person the confidence to be understood. And it also encourages you to find your own way out of a difficult situation.

Use compassion towards people who can and want to develop. Your child, of course, or your best friend, for example, who is going through a difficult phase.

Toxic people, however, will not be able to do anything with your empathic feelings and will at best exploit them. I’m not even just talking about your narcissistic ex…

If you haven’t had enough of these experiences yet, you’ll probably need a few more until you’re ready for your next stage of development.

When you are ready, we can continue to work on it, sweetheart.

Because as soon as you realize that you should put yourself first so that you can become stable and give your child a stable foothold, you are coachable.

Your goal should be to become indifferent to your ex in the near future

This doesn’t mean that you should become cold – but that you should focus on giving your empathic attention to people who appreciate it and who treat you the same way you treat them.

Your ex can look for other people who show him compassion – you no longer have this role in his life.

And if he prefers to wallow in self-pity, then that’s his decision.

He has to take care of his life, and you take care of yours.

Sometimes it really is quite simple.

How are you doing, sweetheart? Have you already gone through the pity phase – or never had it? I look forward to your comment below!