What can already be a challenge in a functioning relationship becomes a major feat after a break-up: How to get the different parenting styles down to a common denominator? And – is that even necessary?

I don’t know how you feel about parenting, but I’m just going to assume that you put your heart and soul into it and that you want to pass on the values that have already been passed on to you by your family. Incidentally, I am convinced that fathers are no different.

Such a discussion always becomes difficult when you think your own parenting values are “more right” or “more important” than those of your Ex. And if you have other unresolved issues with a lot of anger and resentment, the topic of parenting style can be the straw that breaks the camel’s back at any time, because parenting takes place on a daily basis, virtually every minute.

Lots of opportunities for stress and resentment

There is a lot of time spent in front of the TV, computer or smartphone. Here the child is allowed to play Wii, over there computer games are demonized as addictive. There are no sweets at mom’s house, dad’s candy jar is open on the dresser. One parent attaches great importance to good table manners, the other is more relaxed. Brushing teeth thoroughly before bedtime? Bah, skipping it once won’t be so bad.
This list could go on and on. I’m sure you know many other examples.

Take stock: What feelings are triggered in you? And how intense are they?

How high is the value on your emotion scale for the different situations? It’s worth taking a closer look so that you can separate the wheat from the chaff.

Can you put the feeling into words?

• Are you frustrated or really angry when your child tells you that they never have to brush their teeth for three minutes at night with their dad?
• Or are you more distressed when your child lets on that they always get sweets at their dad’s every day because you’re afraid that your child will get too fat and be bullied by other children later on?
• Maybe you’re just annoyed when your child is constantly nagging you that they want to have a Wii with you too?

The more emotionally involved you are in an issue, the more it has to do with you. For example, maybe you were severely bullied yourself as a fat child and want to spare your daughter this experience at all costs.

Or maybe you’re just so annoyed because you’ve argued with your ex about these things before.

Or do you even think he’s doing it now just to get back at you?

To make matters worse, one fine day this sentence comes out of your child’s mouth:

“But I’m allowed to do that with dad!”

Bang: the A-card!

Trust me – your ex will hear this sentence in a slightly different form: “But I’m allowed to do that with my mom!”

So you’re both in the same boat. Is it even possible to come to an arrangement with such different positions? Unfortunately, the ostrich policy doesn’t work here. What a shame, really… 😎

But what can you do if your ex violates a cornerstone of your values?

If the emotional analysis above shows that a fundamental value that is very important to you is being violated, then there are two options in my opinion:

• Talk to the Ex about it (sic! and swallow at the same time!)
• Set a different example to the child of exactly this value, but – and this is the difficulty now, especially if you are still angry with the ex – without devaluing the ex in front of the child.

Talking to your ex can be quite a huge challenge if you are totally at odds. If that’s not the case yet, it’s worth a try.

Even if you can, please be clear about one thing: you can’t change or even control your ex-partner’s behavior!

Nevertheless, I usually assume that your Ex loves your child just as much as you do and only has the best interests at heart. So my examples are not about allowing vital rules regarding allergies or other health restrictions of your child to be ignored! If necessary, you can take your ex to the doctor if he doesn’t agree.

But these are not the cases I’m talking about. I’m thinking more of the everyday things that are simply more important to you than to him. And maybe he doesn’t have the faintest idea that this or that is so important to you until you talk to him.

If he’s understanding and you ask him about it, there’s a good chance that he’ll pay more attention to it. Maybe he didn’t care at all whether the child brushes his teeth twice a day. And if he realizes that it’s really important to you that the child has well-groomed teeth later on, then he won’t necessarily want to argue with you about it. I’m just going to put it out there.

If you just wave off this option tiredly, then the second option remains. In my case, for example, it’s the unspeakable chauvinistic and misogynistic remarks that my son always makes, especially when he’s driving, that really annoy me. Then I immediately follow up and give counter-examples to get him thinking. And I know myself that it makes no sense at all to talk to my ex-partner about it. He would just laugh at me.

It’s important that we pull ourselves together in such cases and don’t give in to the temptation to lament loudly and disparagingly about the Ex in front of the child, such as “Typical!” and whatever else comes to mind.

Yes, if you manage to do that, you’ll have earned

1. a piece of chocolate
2. your dream designer blouse
3. a spa massage with your new boyfriend

Well deserved! 🙂

The ideal solution: share parenting responsibilities – and let go

In all other cases that annoy or frustrate you, but after analyzing your feelings from above turn out to be not sooo important for you, it’s time to learn to let go.

Ask yourself: What’s the worst that could happen if the child later does things the way dad did and not the way I want them to?

Ask yourself: What bad habits did I actually have as a child that I later easily shook off as a teenager/adult?

Trust that your child will continue to develop.

Although we mothers are still far too often made responsible for the behavior and actions of our children, unlike the “real” single parents, we have a decisive advantage: we can sit back and hand over some of the parenting responsibilities to our ex-partner.

If we keep reminding ourselves of this, then at some point those around us will realize it too. At least I hope so!

Although it’s childish to respond to such reproaches with “He learned that from his father!”, you could reply “Thanks for pointing that out, I’ll be happy to talk to his father about it so that it stops/changes etc.”

Conclusion

Children are wonderful and have really great abilities: They can walk between our worlds. And they can do so without being harmed! However, they need to understand one thing right from the start:

In mom’s house, mom’s rules apply, in dad’s house, dad’s rules apply. That’s it.

Because this should be clear: Just as your ex doesn’t have to adopt your rules, you don’t have to adapt his rules if they go against the grain.

The child always gets an ice cream after dinner at dad’s, even in winter, and makes a comment to that effect? Your response: “I’m glad for you that you always get your favorite dessert at dad’s. We serve apples!” The child is always allowed to play until 5 o’clock and only does his homework after that? “Good for you. At our house, homework time is at 3.” Or whatever.

You know what? If you’ve realized that and you can let go, then you’re better off than the many couples and intact families out there. Because they have to come to an agreement in any case, one parent can’t say “Giddy up!” and the other “Halt!”

There is another aspect to this: we should always remember that our upbringing or guidance through our children’s childhood and adolescence only ever plays a small part in their personal development.

There are so many other people who can have a big influence – for better or for worse. After all, you can’t control your child’s teachers or coaches or tell them how to deal with your little one. Or your ex-parents-in-law, for example…

What do you think? I look forward to your comments below.