I don’t think I’m going too far out on a limb when I say that every mom with a toxic ex is eager to have as much physical distance between her and the Ex as possible and therefore wants to move far away with the child.

We hope that this will bring healing and peace.

So you can breathe a sigh of relief.

To avoid being confronted with a trigger at every turn.

But there’s still the matter of the child!

So we can’t just relocate without question. The child should have the chance to maintain or even build up a relationship with the father, depending on how old it is at the time of your separation.

The judges also consider this.

There is no generally applicable rule as to how many kilometers of distance are “allowed”. In large cities with a housing shortage, different reasons apply than in small towns or villages.

Despite everything, there are those radiant heroines who have managed to cover a distance of several hundred kilometers and build a new life with their child.

Yes, even against the will of the toxic child’s father!

This requires the transfer of rights, the right to determine place of residence, to the mother. This must then be applied for in court.

How to increase your chances of getting custodial rights

As this is a significant change in the child’s life, the full range of the legal system is of course used. Including expert opinion proceedings and all the trimmings. Your bonding tolerance will also be taken into account here.

Your attitude is key here.

First and foremost, if it becomes obvious during the proceedings that you simply want to create distance between the child and your Ex so that he can no longer manipulate them, you will not win.

If you want to create distance primarily for your own sake, and the child would only suffer disadvantages as a result, then you won’t win either.

And then there is the whole possibility of a large-scale court case on top of that. This dynamic would make the outcome impossible to predict logically.

Nevertheless, there are very good reasons for moving away with a child, and I would like to list the best ones below.

If you are thinking about moving away, you must speak with your legal advisor and decide whether these reasons apply to you. They can then help you set your expectations. This also depends on the court dynamic you are already in, and what facts you have already established.

Good reasons for a long-distance move:

​Your job

If you are a highly specialized expert in your field and can only accept a very good job offer in a few cities and thus only secure your and the child’s livelihood in this way, then this is the best reason of all.

Female scientists in particular then have good opportunities, especially if there are only special institutes/universities that support and promote this research.

Female doctors with special skills that can only be practiced in a few clinics in Germany and abroad also have good and weighty arguments for moving far away.

Or you work in a corporate group and have the opportunity to transfer internally from the branch in Stuttgart to the head office in Hamburg in order to climb the career ladder there.

Here, too, you should consider whether you could get the higher-paying job in a similar company in Stuttgart.

Anything that helps you become financially independent and that you can’t do from home near your ex would be a strong argument.

The more specialized your know-how, the more important this argument becomes.

Moving back to your old home

Did you leave your beloved hometown for your Ex and move to the country – or vice versa? Is your empathic family of origin, who always provide you with advice and support, still there?

If your child has also built up a loving bond and relationship with the grandparents because you went there regularly, that’s an added bonus.

And it would be particularly advantageous for a long-distance move if the child has only the fondest memories of your home town and has already told you that he or she would prefer to live there because he or she has already made other friendships that are deepened every school vacation.

And every time you go back to your current apartment at the end of your vacation, there’s a lot of drama and tears.

Especially if your support network is there and you won’t be alone with your child, you have an important and good argument at hand.

Your parents are in need of care

If you are the only child and have no one to look after your parents who need care, then you should also mention this point. Or you want to help your mother look after your father who needs care.

The great advantage for your child would be to be able to experience their grandparents and deepen their relationship with them for the few years that remain.

You have a new partner

Another important reason: you want to marry your boyfriend, with whom you’ve ideally already been together for a few years, and start a new chapter in your life together.

Perhaps you have even set up a large, ambitious project together that requires a long-distance move.

Or your new husband has to move away for important professional reasons (expert, scientist, sought-after doctor – see above) and you want to accompany him.

​Last but not least: What does relocation mean for your child?

You’ve probably already read it from above: The most important criterion for a transfer of custody is – and remains – a change in the circumstances of your child’s life for the better.

Or at least the status quo remains, if it is currently quite favorable for the child.

In other words: If you are in an alternating model and you can ascertain that the child can continue to see your coparent independently and without serious disadvantages while continuing to maintain this relationship in the new custody model, then this is a very good argument.

The age of your child is also a factor. If he or she is still very young, you cannot expect them to be able to make long journeys by car, train or even plane the way you could for a teenager.

However, your coparent would certainly have a very good opportunity to deepen the relationship with the child if he were to pick them up and bring them on his own initiative.

Normally, the person who creates the distance is also responsible for dropping off and picking up – but drop-off and pickup can still qualify as quality time. You sit next to each other, listen to music together and talk more than at the dining table or in front of the TV. If the parent has a tasty snack with them, it becomes extremely cozy and enjoyable.

But that’s beside the point.

The key question will be: How can the child continue their relationships after you move away? Does he have many friends in his current place of residence? Are they involved in any social activities? How will their life change?

And does the child even want to move with you?

Conversely, this means

The younger the child is, the easier it will be for him or her to experience and process such major changes.

In the residential model, it is easier to move everyday life to another location and organize the swap than in the alternating model.

If you have made sure over the past few years that the child has always had contact with your family – so they do not become strangers – then your child will find it easier and be happier to welcome the big change.

And very good if you have always made sure to specialize in a niche topic that not everyone can do, and thus never lost sight of your professional and thus financial independence!

And if “shit happens”?

Getting residential custody due to moving far away from the child’s father is really a big deal, sweetheart.

I will always support you mentally in representing your ultimate goal in court.

But every court dynamic is unique, and even the best arguments won’t ensure that you walk out of the courtroom victorious.

Your attitude is the be-all and end-all. Your arguments need to revolve around the child and less around you – even if I sincerely wish you more space for yourself and your healing with the physical distance.

Ultimately, you can also experience mental boundaries and healing for yourself if he lives on the side street – it’s just a bigger and more difficult challenge.

However, daily emails between Lübeck and Rosenheim can also cause a lot of stress. Or Facetime calls every Sunday afternoon at 4 p.m., fixed in the decision. Or waiting for your Ex at the front door to hand over the child if he doesn’t tell you he’ll be late. Or even ringing the doorbell earlier while the child hasn’t finished his lunch yet.

Remember: You can’t run away from your growth challenge with a toxic-narcissistic man.

A large physical distance is nothing compared to the emotional, inner distance to his pathology and narcissistic behavior.

A judge may allow you to relocate – or not. That’s not in your hands.

But what you do have control over is your inner growth. Never mind the toxic Ex, regardless of what he does or doesn’t do – and I’m happy to help you with that.

Just join the Brave Moms Club sweetheart. Trust the process that thousands of moms have gone through with a toxic Ex.

And it really won’t matter who has custodial rights.