Any mother who has been in court with a toxic narcissistic ex – or in parenting counseling or mediation – can tell you a thing or two about the incredible lies the ex can come up with.

If you know how a narcissistic disorder presents itself in everyday life, the lies themselves shouldn’t be surprising – and yet our jaws almost drop to the floor and we just think:

“Huh? WTF?”

And also:

“But isn’t that what HE always did or said?”

 

Of course, projection is primarily at work when lying

Remember: the narcissist projects all their self-hatred onto you as their opponent. The lies or accusations have nothing, but really nothing, to do with you – but in the setting in court or official bodies that don’t know your Ex as well as you do, these lies can have quite frightening effects.

He also always thinks of himself as the victim in the relationship, the marriage, the parenting.

It is very likely that he has told himself the lies so often in his head that he believes them more and more and is convinced that this is what happened. This makes him appear quite convincing, which doesn’t make the whole thing any easier for you.

I’m not a psychologist, but I still give one or two narcissists credit for a certain naivety – shaken by their mental, non-treatable illness, they simply can’t reflect and are in a perpetual loop of action that constantly takes them back to where they were before.

There is no trace of mental development and maturity.

Depending on the severity of the narcissistic disorder, however, there are also malignant types – the very malicious ones – who very deliberately and strategically tell one lie after another in order to achieve their goal with complete ruthlessness.

The goal can be to avoid having to pay alimony or even to continue to be put up with by the empathetic ex-partner by demanding alimony for themselves.

Or they want to beat the woman up psychologically and financially. After all, they swore to their ex-wife when she first spoke of separation, and now they’re going to go through with it! Any means will do. She’ll see where that leaves her!

And if the most expensive lawyer isn’t enough, then several well-placed and quite surprising lies.

You can bet on it.

What’s the best way to deal with the lies now?

1) First of all, don’t freak out or get emotional.
I know you know this, but you really need to remind yourself of it and keep reminding yourself.

Which is not to say that you can’t cast a surprised glance over to the opposing camp. A stunned look at a claim that catches you off guard and that you weren’t prepared for is perfectly understandable. Just don’t lose your cool.

2) No justification! Justification makes you look weak.

Instead, look the judge firmly and clearly in the eye: “I am very surprised by this allegation and I assure you that it is not true. May I ask what evidence there is to support this claim?” You are speaking to the judge, not the opposing attorney or the Ex.

3) Of course: Stick to the truth yourself!
If you think you have to do the same as your ex by lying because otherwise you have no chance, it can backfire terribly. The judge will then no longer be able to tell who is the bigger liar.

Above all, lying is terribly exhausting. Ex will always have the better of you – so it’s better not to.

4) De-emotionalize the lie by writing it down briefly on a piece of paper with the time and a few keywords: “11:09 – I would have had a nervous breakdown in 2014. 1st lie after 9 minutes into the negotiation” This trick helps you to objectify the lie and not take it personally.

5) Don’t get bogged down in side arguments.

Make sure you concentrate on your main goal in the negotiation and keep leading the conversation back to it. Your Ex will use lies to try to shift the focus to a distant corner that suits them better and do everything they can to make it difficult to get a clear view of the situation.

Make sure at least you stay clear and help the judge to do so.

6) It is best to take something with you that reminds you of this plan and that you can touch in the courtroom if you realize that things are getting difficult for you, e.g. a bracelet, a scarf or something else. You are a rock.

7) Please don’t let yourself become insecure and let go of what you have no control over.

You are more than what is discussed there!

You can’t control what other people will think about you and whether they believe the toxic Ex over you. You know the truth and are doing your best to make sure others hear it. Beyond that, there’s nothing you can do.

Anything the strangers there try to tell you that you know isn’t true, it’s best not to let it get to you. Try it – I know it’s difficult – but you don’t define yourself by what strangers think they know about you, do you?

It’s best to paint a picture of your ex for the judge without labeling him or calling him a narcissist. Put the judge in your shoes, so to speak, so that he can see the situation from your perspective.

If these allegations do end up on the record at some point, they will be refuted clearly and objectively. That’s all you can do. It’s up to the judge to decide who he believes more when it’s testimony against testimony.

My last tip so you can catch future lies from your Ex early on

It’s best to start documenting things right away. Make notes in your day-to-day life, i.e. short comments about everything your ex does in terms of communication and actions regarding visitation and custody. So that you can have something in writing if your ex comes up with another crude comment.

What tricks do you have up your sleeve to protect yourself from your ex’s lies in court? Write them in the comments so that other mothers can take them with them to their next court hearing. Thank you!