In this blog article, I want to talk to you about being able to make decisions. And about the fact that YOU are the one steering the ship of your life and no one else is responsible for it.

Do you remember the corona years? When the whole thing started in March 2020 and we were all ordered to stay at home?

And – were you already separated and moved out at that point?

Or had you repeatedly postponed the decision to get out of this terrible relationship and then found yourself locked up with your toxic ex (and that’s all we’re talking about here) for months?

All the worst-case scenarios that you go through in your head before the break-up and that you could experience as a single parent were 100% topped.

And all the women who made the decision beforehand and went through with it, while making their new apartment look pretty, wiped the imaginary sweat from their foreheads.

Lucky them!

Please don’t get me wrong, sweetheart: this isn’t about guilt and making you feel guilty about why you didn’t get your act together in time. It’s quite possible that you were still in 7th heaven before Corona and only discovered which man you were actually with during this time.

My point is to show you that postponed decisions don’t disappear and that the problem will work itself out.

The truth is that if you don’t make the decision you have to make, someone else will make it for you and it will have a significant impact on your life.

In the example above: A mother is miserable in her relationship and doesn’t draw any boundaries – neither emotionally nor spatially – spends years doing loops and doesn’t dare to move out. Finally, corona arrives and the federal government decides to close all the doors.

In this case, the government decides on the woman’s living conditions.

Suddenly, “I could” becomes “I mustn’t”, which triggers an enormous sense of helplessness.

Sure – even in times of coronavirus, mothers have separated from their toxic partners. But it was much, much more difficult than before.

But who is responsible for the development of this situation?

The person who makes the general decision (in this case, the federal government) or the woman who put the decision off?

There are countless examples of similar developments

For example, the unloved job.

You only live from weekend to weekend, have trouble getting out of bed on Monday morning, are constantly ill and condemn your toxic boss and/or toxic colleagues. The work result itself is meagre to mediocre, because who can perform at their best when you have to earn your living under such conditions?

The decision to leave and look for a job that is more suited to one’s own talents and abilities and to find a boss who is empathetic and has brought together a great team is postponed out of convenience and on the basis of inadequate beliefs.

“It’s not much better elsewhere.”
“I can’t find a better job with my expertise.”
“It’s most comfortable the way it is right now.”
“No one will pay me the same salary and I need the money.”

These are all lame and obstructive beliefs that keep a woman down. Ultimately, there are always reasons your brain will come up with as soon as it fears you might want to break out of your comfort zone!

But there have always been apartment and job changes.

You can also go on the prowl in your current job and find out what knowledge could make you unique and expensive and valuable to a company and invest in it. Without having to ask your boss!

What is most likely to happen if you do nothing and resignedly accept the current status quo? Not continuing your education, not staking out the field and not looking around in another team in the company?

And continue to deliver a poor performance that is not really worthy of you?

You know you should leave – but you don’t dare.

So someone else will make the decision for you.

Resignation is one of the many possibilities that are likely.

Or an even worse boss.

Or your colleagues quit one after the other and leave you with all the work.

Who then bears the responsibility?

The person who didn’t act, even though everything in them was pushing towards it – or the boss or the team colleagues who give notice?

Your current comfort zone is nothing more than a snapshot.

Life is about constantly expanding your comfort zone, redefining your boundaries and having new experiences.

It’s incredible how many people accept a mini-mini-mini comfort zone – no bigger than a Hula hoop – and take it for granted!

But life expands and goes on – whether you want it to or not.

And if you don’t make your decision, someone else will.

What is actually the main reason for not making a decision?

Quite simply: fear.

And fear is always a bad advisor!

A decision that is made or postponed on the basis of fear (whereby every postponed decision is also a decision made – the decision to do nothing) makes circumstances worse rather than better.

Another blatant example

Imagine you spend years agonizing over the decision to leave your toxic husband. You’re suffering immensely, but you think it’s still better than living alone with the children.

“Until the youngest is out of the woods” you may think to yourself.

Or you’ve already made the decision: “Next summer!”, but haven’t taken any concrete steps yet.

Imagine your husband is suddenly struck down by a serious and incurable illness or has an accident and becomes a care case.

How likely is it then that you will leave?

How would your life develop then? And that of your children?

Toxic people do not become easier and more sociable when they are physically helpless.

Quite the opposite: pathological narcissism reaches a whole new level.

Suddenly you are confronted with your most important values: For example, decency, wanting to help, being a good role model for your children.

You may also think to yourself: “What will the neighbors/friends/family/doctors and nurses think if I leave him now? How bad is that?”

However, if you were already separated, had already had your first custody battles and established a regular post-marital life with the children, and something happens to your toxic Ex – do you think a single person would demand that you return to him and take care of him?

Or the other way around:

If YOU were to become a care case – would your toxic husband be willing to care for you and take care of you?

What do you think?

And what about the children?

Sweetheart, none of these scenarios are pretty and I wouldn’t wish them on any mom!

Life as a single parent with a toxic ex is definitely not a walk in the rose garden, but the moms who have made that decision once definitely never want to go back or have regretted leaving.

The only thing I wish for you is a happy life with a wonderFULL future and children who are also happy and resilient.

Which doesn’t have to mean that they only have to experience peaceful parents in eternal harmony to become happy adults!

Children learn how to react to strokes of fate from the example of at least one parent.

If this parent is stable and confident, they will find support and guidance there.

A highly toxic father, who becomes increasingly malignant due to illness or accident, and an empathic but helpless mother, who is completely overwhelmed by the situation and becomes increasingly “less” (mentally and physically), have no less than a traumatizing effect on children.

If, on the other hand, the mother has already stabilized herself by separating from the toxic environment, tapped into her own sources of strength and energy beforehand, and then the unthinkable happens, a child will take away a very valuable experience for life despite the shock:

“We can do this too.”

And: “Illness is part of life. If other people around me are ill, I can still be well myself.”

This “We can do it” includes compassion (for the sick person), sadness (for the past) and also being able to set boundaries (“I’m happy to be there for you, Dad – but I won’t be shouted at or insulted, then I’ll leave”).

Provided they have learned how to set boundaries from their mother beforehand.

Conclusion

Please do me a favor and don’t indulge in the darkest fantasies about the future. Fantasies have great manifestation power!

Instead, I would like to encourage you to make the decisions you have to make quickly and based on a good gut feeling – without allowing fear to take the wheel.

This is your insurance against scenarios like the one described above.

Learn to trust yourself.

Listen to your gut feeling – it will give you immediate feedback when you think a certain thought.

Detach yourself from the judgments that others (your (soon-to-be) ex or your parents or your boss) have placed on you and peel off one toxic onion layer after another that is still covering up your inner, wise voice and making it inaudible.

It’s a process that won’t be done overnight – but the sooner you start, the better.

You deserve a happy life, sweetheart. You are worth it.

​