Have you forgiven yourself yet, sweetheart?

That you chose this man?

That you fathered a child (or two or three) with him?

That you fell head over heels in love with him, even though there were such early signs of his mental disorder?

That you allowed him to treat you in a way that no one had been allowed to before?

Welcome to the club, my dear!

Forgiving ourselves is the hardest goal for us moms with a toxic Ex to implement.

When we try to explain to outsiders what the reality of our lives with this child’s father looks like, we often get exactly these sayings, which then unsettle us to the core.

Because they express exactly what we are struggling with deep inside ourselves:

“Now you have chosen this man to be the father of your children, now see how you get along with him!”

“But you used to love each other!”

And my personal favorite saying: “It takes two to argue!”

So now, when the guardian ad litem or the case worker at the youth welfare office slams one of these sentences at you and it leaves you speechless, it’s mainly because someone is mirroring your own thoughts to you.

Only from the outside do they sound pretty damn brutal.

But sweetheart: isn’t that how you’ve been talking to yourself all along?

If you want those around you to treat you compassionately and with respect, look to be the first to be loving and caring with yourself in self-talk.

Compare how you would talk to your best friend if she had just shot a capital buck to how you talk to yourself.

We ourselves are often the strictest and most ungracious judges!

So bear with yourself, will you?

​What about the really big hits you’ve taken in the relationship?

Now there may well be a few stories that still make you blush in shame. And which could.

Maybe it was certain sex games that you got involved in, and that you yourself found quite pleasurable. Even if they weren’t – never mind.

Or it could be spicy photos or revealing videos that are still in the possession of your ex.

Just the idea that you will be confronted with this in the courtroom, when it is actually about you having to prove that you are a good mother with whom the children should live, makes you half faint.

You imagine how the supposed bourgeois in gowns and the old women will sit there and judge you and evaluate you!

Do you know who knows exactly and is rubbing his hands?

Of course – your Ex!

And whoever has such a really “nice” full-blown malignant personality disorder will also take advantage of this home advantage.

Hasn’t he blackmailed you yet?

Or at least made hints that you please comply with his demands (sign over the house for a ridiculous price, waive his debts, waive alimony payments, agree to the alternating residency model, stay nearby, invite the Ex mother-in-law for coffee every Sunday, etc. pp.), otherwise…?

How to cut the puppet strings

You can free yourself from this supposed dependency cage if you realize that you are always and always responsible for your actions.

And you stand by this responsibility.

Own it, sweetheart!

You definitely need an ally – and that’s your legal counsel. I bet you’re not the first client to explain with red cheeks that she got carried away with this or that in the relationship!

This is especially important if you have been involved in illegal activities. Your lawyer must know about it, otherwise he cannot work out the right strategy for you, and it will fall on your feet later.

If your ex does drop the bomb (and he will, whether you meet his demands or not) and your lawyer looks foolish, you can’t blame him if he then resigns. You are a team, please don’t forget that.

If he can’t handle the shit you’re telling him, find a new one.

Yes, simple is different!

But that’s the way it is now, it doesn’t help.

So: Take a deep breath and get through it.

“Yes, I made a mistake. If I had known all that I know today back then, I certainly wouldn’t have done it, you can believe me!”

“May I at this point briefly ask what our intimate sex practices at that time are supposed to have to do with my parenting skills as a mother?”

Letting go is the way to go, dear!

If you let yourself be blackmailed, you may think that you can control him with it – but that is a fallacy. A blackmailer never stops.

What will others think of me? My parents? The neighbors? Oh, I’m so ashamed!

You don’t know that. And you won’t be able to prevent the people around you from watching a movie of their own.

Be sure to let go of that.

A couple relationship is very intimate. It should be a protective zone where you can open up and trust each other that secrets are well kept.

So your mistake was to give this toxic person your absolute trust.

Is that reprehensible? Hardly. You were in love, after all!

Also, realize that everyone in that courtroom has experienced sexual histories. Yes, even that dried-up old bone in the corner!

By taking your responsibility in a clear voice and standing by your conviction that you want to live an intimate, deeply confidential relationship with a partner, you will definitely have more standing than the poor weenie next to the opposing counsel who thinks he can now shock the buffers and point his dirty finger at you!

If you should have to bear consequences for it, you accept them. With your head held high and a firm look, please! This is especially true for illegal stories.

This is the only way you can free yourself and your soul from it and make yourself independent of what your toxic Ex might think of next to blackmail you.

Can you imagine how that feels?

And vice versa? If you know some juicy details about him that you yourself had nothing to do with?

Let it go.

Let him do the dirty laundry if he thinks he has to. You don’t care.

You don’t need to, especially since you have no interest in screwing the father of your child.

As long as you don’t get called to the stand, you’re holding yourself back. And of course, you’re not blackmailing him with it!

The only way to win against a toxic person: don’t play in the first place!