​This article is for all the moms out there who are still living with their children’s father, but are very unhappy and keep wondering whether or not to separate.

I want to be absolutely sure that we understand each other. That you know what I’m talking about and what I mean by a narcissistic or even toxic relationship.

I don’t want to paint a rosy picture of single parenting – because it’s not. But it’s 1000% better than what you currently have if you’re in a presumed narcissistic relationship.

Even if your soon-to-be-ex is going to overwhelm you with lawsuits – you may find that you can develop a very high self-esteem and strength you never imagined. And you’ll also very likely find yourself resenting why you didn’t leave sooner and let them bully you for so long.

But are you even in a narcissistic relationship? The word is on everyone’s lips these days, and it’s being bandied about all too hastily. I have prepared two questionnaires – completely subjective and absolutely unscientific – so that you can see for yourself whether you are living such a relationship or whether the cause for your dissatisfaction with your partnership has other reasons.

Part 1 of the test:

The more “Does not apply” you checked, the more likely your partner is a suspected narcissist. Oh, I can see how skeptical you are looking right now! Do you think that men like the ones described above don’t exist? Only in the movies?

Then do this part:

Control test

The more ticks you have under “Agree”, the more likely you are in a narcissistic relationship.

But beware – I am not a psychologist!

Maybe your husband has a completely different disorder, but that shouldn’t matter to us here . We have found a name for it that helps us to describe the indescribable and to get everything down to a common denominator.

I don’t want to focus on HIM, but on YOU. I have therefore described above a possible behavior that many pathological narcissists have in common (probably even all psychopaths).

It’s much more important to me that you realize what kind of life you’re leading.

I don’t want to say that if you get at least 10 ticks under “Agree” in the control test, you should immediately take to your feet, but – just between us, my dear – actually every single point is a reason for separation in itself. Or?

You didn’t deserve this! No woman deserves that.

Nobody.Has.The.Right.To.Treat.You.This.Way. NO ONE!

If this scene looks familiar, then you have no choice but to leave. You already know that, don’t you?

“But what about the children?” I can already hear you asking.

Exactly!

Because of the children, you should plan your move out as soon as possible. You have to show them that this kind of “love” is wrong, that you don’t allow it – especially because you don’t want them to look for and repeat such a relationship as the only form of love in later life.

Show them that you are worth more as a person. That there is a life of harmony and joy and flaws, and where everyone is accepted for who they are.

Yes, it will be difficult out there , no question.

But do you find your life easy now?

Of course, the familiar is known and the unknown, the new, is “dangerous” at first. And it really takes courage, which you probably have to activate somewhere deep inside, because it has been so badly buried over the past few years.

Does it get worse if you leave him?

In the first place it will be different . The problems will change. So the central question is:

What problems do I want to have?

What, for example, is definitely gone: the dependence on one’s moods, the silence within one’s own four walls, this feeling of misery, the eternal and grueling “being on guard”. The daily tension, paying attention to every word so that no arguments break out. The showing off, the taunts in front of mutual friends, the humiliation when he cheats on you and everyone knows. Never having to have sex with him again to keep him happy. (Yay! That alone would make it worth the hesitation about moving out, wouldn’t it?)

That’s the minimum now and the effect kicks in immediately as soon as you’ve undressed. And yes, there’s even a jackpot waiting for you, but it’s only available if you’ve persevered and survived at least the first two or three years:

The deeply satisfying feeling of having made the right decision.

Have I convinced you now?

“Wait” – you might say now. “I’ve heard so many horror stories from other single parents – I’m really scared of what’s going to happen to me. And I don’t want to experience this horror that my best friend has already been through.”

I can understand that well.

But every breakup situation is unique.

You won’t know until next year what experiences you’ve had with the breakup. Nobody can predict it for you.

There are also no guarantees in life. That’s the way it is.

But one thing is certain: you will not have a chance to change your life for the better if you do not find the courage to take the first step.

You alone are responsible for your life, no one else can make this decision for you.

However: If you have even the slightest suspicion that your partner could be violent towards you or the children, then by all means get outside help to plan the move! Women’s emergency hotline, police, or Caritas counseling centers – there are a number of local counseling centers that you can – and should – contact.

So – what next step will you take?