​Everyone knows the feeling of loneliness. For many it is a nightmare, and often it keeps us attached to the partner in a relationship that has actually already become unbearable.

Sometimes I have the feeling – especially when I look around at my acquaintances and relatives – that those who have never lived alone and have always moved from one relationship to the next are particularly afraid of loneliness. And do everything possible not to expose themselves to the risk.

I know loneliness well. I knew it from a time when I was single on and off in my twenties and thirties, and of course since I’ve been a single parent.

And yes – the feeling is really not pretty. It makes you vulnerable and weak, it drains energy and often courage to live, it narrows your field of vision and feeds the soil for a lot of self-pity.

For me, loneliness has always been the worst part of being single.

Maybe this is exactly the condition “others” get, who then think “Oh dear, how awful! Never feel that way!”

Understandable.

When you’re in it yourself, it takes a lot of self-reflection to see things clearly again.

This is sometimes quite a lot of work and takes time.

Not having the right support means having to pull yourself out of the emotional quagmire by the hair.

Still, it works.

Really.

What about your friendships? An inventory.

Being single doesn’t automatically mean being lonely. Especially in my thirties, before I had my child, I had a circle of friends that was not overly large, but very good. We did a lot of things together, met in a nice location during the week or went on a motorcycle trip at the weekend and had great experiences together.

After the relationship with my son’s father, things looked very different. In the meantime, everyone was in a different phase of life and we had more or less completely lost sight of each other.

I also had to realize that during the relationship period, I had been more involved in cultivating the toxic ex’s friendships, and my friends had been left almost empty-handed when it came to planning free time. My Ex was simply faster when it came to scheduling social events – and I hadn’t been paying attention.

Then, as a single parent, I was in deep trouble. I was all alone and felt correspondingly lonely.

What does that look like for you?

Which friends are there that you used to be able to rely on 100%, and whose doors you just haven’t dared to knock on again yet?

Even if you have a guilty conscience because you didn’t care enough about your friends in the ex-relationship – ask if you can meet again. You’ll soon find out whether your friends resent you or are happy that you’re getting back in touch.

But even if you still have your best friend by your side – if you only know one topic after a toxic relationship, you should not be surprised – let alone resent her – if she currently makes herself rather scarce.

And what about a new man? Wouldn’t that also be an option to defeat loneliness?

I assume you know this experience: Strategies from the past as a single woman without a child no longer work as a single mother.

First attempts on dating portals can present a mother with a whole new set of challenges – how to date “spontaneously” when the child-free weekend isn’t for another two weeks? Meet spontaneously during the week after work? How then – say, just before daycare closes?

A babysitter for the evening can really stretch your limited monthly budget, not to mention the fact that you have to find someone first. And going out without a babysitter? That’s only possible when the kids are older and can handle fire and stove (*gulp*).

But I still had it “good” – we lived the shared custody / dual residence model from the beginning, in which you could theoretically go on the slopes every second weekend. I did that at some point after the first bad years after the separation were over, even alone.

But I only ever felt really good when everything else was in order.

If, on the other hand, I was in a lonely-feeling slump, my stressed actions (now more than ever!) always had something desperate about them, and I felt even worse afterwards.

Not infrequently, I then met people or circumstances or situations that added to my misery, completely in accordance with the law of attraction.

When you feel lonely, you are also vulnerable. You long for intimacy, a shoulder to lean on, or a mirror conversation (whether with a man or a friend), but your neediness also repels many.

You suspect it, but at the same time, in your limited tunnel vision, you have no idea how to turn it off.

I then got into the habit of withdrawing in such situations and enduring the mood.

Because that’s the great advantage of having been single many times and knowing loneliness: you know it will pass. It’s just an unpleasant phase. A side effect of the newly won freedom that you actually have.

What would be the alternative?

So, since I ended my relationship, I had only myself to blame for my misery. In other words:

I was able to take full responsibility for the situation.

Did I want to go back to what was before, or was loneliness an acceptable prize for my decision?

I can assure you: no matter whenever I was lonely – as soon as I asked myself the last question, I could better bear the pressure of loneliness.

OK, loneliness sucks – but being with the toxic narcissistic Ex was a thousand times worse!

Besides enduring the feeling of loneliness, however, there is something else you can do

You can join a virtual community of other single moms who, like you, also have a toxic Ex and have to manage everyday parenting with him.

We will soon open a free Facebook group for strong and Mighty Moms like you. Do like our Facebook page and stay tuned for updates!

You are so much more than the victim of a narcissistic relationship or current family law!

And it is this realization and sharing of your true self in a safe space that will make you attractive to your closest friends. You don’t have to explain yourself either – we know what it’s like to have been with a toxic narcissistic Ex and to now have to navigate the often unbearable parenthood.

Get all the help you can get if you are suffering from loneliness.

False pride will not help you when your soul is suffering.

Overcome your loneliness with these questions

I have always used these periods of loneliness in my single life for inner reflection. You probably know this saying:

No one can make you happy – except yourself!

And that is also true.

So when we feel lonely and consequently bad and miserable, and self-pity threatens to overtake us – it’s time to start looking within.

I’ve come up with 6 coaching prompts that will help you overcome your feeling of loneliness. Take your journal and answer these questions for yourself:

1. Look back at everything you’ve accomplished so far since the breakup and list at least 10, better yet 20 things that are better now than when you were in a relationship with your toxic ex.
2. What things / situations / people are you grateful for today?
3. What makes the woman you are today different from who you were before you went into the toxic relationship?
4. How will the woman you will be next year be different from the one you are today?
5. What qualities do you bring to a friendship?
6. Last but not least, imagine you’re sitting in a nice coffee shop with a small group of sympathetic moms, and you’re laughing heartily with each other and having a lot of fun. It’s all so easy! A few kids are playing together in the corner, everything is relaxed and easy-going. You feel like a million bucks. Now stay in that feeling for a few minutes and continue to picture this scene in your head in all its details.

Answer the above questions in (hand)writing, so that the carousel of thoughts also stops.

I bet you’ll feel better afterwards. Right?

Conclusion:

Loneliness comes – but it also goes away. And it disappears faster when you feel better inside.

Because you have worked for it.

Then it doesn’t matter if there is a new man or not. Whether your girlfriend has time for you every day or not. Whether your child is there or with the toxic father.

Only one thing you have to promise me and yourself: Never will you enter into a new, dependent relationship with another person while still carrying your unsolved problem, which makes you feel lonely, and with a great neediness, if you are not yet stable on both feet and have not yet become a lighthouse for your child.

You are only potentiating the problem in the future and very likely even repeating a pattern of your past.

Instead, find your tribe of mothers, or get coaching from me if you prefer a more personal approach – so that the scene above becomes reality – and receive coaching prompts like the ones above every day to move forward in heart and soul.

It will work.

What’s your take on this, sweetheart? Are you still stuck in the feeling of loneliness or have you already been able to break free from it? Please leave us a comment below, you’ll help other moms a lot too. Merci!