Is your vacation planning with your narcissistic ex actually in the books? Or do you not yet know for sure whether the vacations can take place as planned and are therefore in a tizzy, so that the mere thought of it gives you a stomach ache?

Why is that? The vacations are just around the corner, you had to submit your leave early at work, and yet even in early summer you are still unsure whether the vacation can take place?

Of course: With a suspected narcissist you have to be ready for any surprise. It may be that you have not clarified beforehand whether the weekend of contact is part of it or not. It may be that you or he has entered the vacation in his calendar as he submitted it to the employer, and it is therefore not clear when and how the child handover is to take place.

Not to mention all the stress of clarifying and feeling comfortable with the destination, depending on the age of the child. Maybe you even had to go to court to clarify whether the toddler should fly abroad with you or not. But that alone would be a topic for a separate blog article…

Even the normal vacation that is completely unspectacular – at home on the balcony, or on the farm in the Alps – can become a burdening stress factor.

The big problem here is the unpredictability of the narcissist. He may have given his consent at some point. But he feels entitled to change his mind at any time or claims the opposite of what he agreed to. Or he may have forgotten. This or that.

Outsiders can’t imagine what it means when you get an email from your ex at the beginning of the vacations (spending it at home for lack of money) saying that you have now booked your vacation for the second half of the summer holidays. No further information in the mail, but only in the attachment: the vacation confirmation of the hotel or the ticket confirmation of the flight. A second look at the date reveals something: The flight still takes place during your contact weekend.

Actually, the start of the vacation with the child’s father was planned two days later and is also in the calendar.

We insiders know what that means: great excitement and an anxious feeling in the stomach. One’s own half of the vacation is under the sword of Damocles of the impending written dispute. Because of course the flight ticket can’t be changed, of course the child is looking forward to the flight, and of course the father won’t give a damn what you might be up to that weekend. After all, he has booked a flight vacation for the child and you are just bumming around at home with the child.

Your vacations with the child are ruined. You don’t even dare look at your inbox anymore. Worst of all, every day you have to think about what will happen if you don’t do what he tells you. How he’ll freak out, how he’ll call you names, and what he’ll do to get his way.

There will be no trace of relaxation, switching off and carefree fun with the child.

You are feverishly thinking about whether you should quickly go to your own parents’ house with the child on the last weekend, so that he is standing in front of a closed door, because this is obviously the only way he will understand that it doesn’t work like that. Not with you!

But alas.

Who will suffer the most in the end, if you stand on your hind legs now, so that he can’t throw you off track with his sudden actions in the future? The child, of course.

So you reluctantly bite into the lemon that co-parenting with a narcissist has once again forced into your hand.

The perfidious thing about it: as a rule, these tyrannical men are successful with it. Everybody submits to the terror, in the hope that there will be peace quickly and that the child will notice as little as possible.

How can you best prevent such a situation?

Sure – it’s best to determine with your ex in January of each year exactly how daycare closing times or school vacations will be divided.

Get it in writing so that you have something to go on.

Do not forget to regulate the contact weekends exactly with the vacation handing over!

I usually do it in such a way that I always let the Ex communicate his wishes first. Because it is not worth the energy to me, I arrange my vacation in such a way that I can at least cover the closing times of the day care center. My Ex has never covered 50% of the vacations so far, but I gave up on this argument.

Doesn’t bring anything except a lot of energy loss!

The weekends of contact in general should also be fixed once and then, if possible, not rescheduled and exchanged.

(Please remember – we are dealing with narcissists, any need for an additional agreement you should not even arise to be able to protect yourself from his attacks).

Of course, this also applies to you! Organize a network as soon as possible, which you can fall back on, as soon as you need childcare on the weekend of contact, but do not ask the Ex (or even his narcissistic mother)!

Be sure to make yourself independent of him.

I have a separate online calendar for my child, which I use to communicate contact weekends or appointments that affect him with the Ex. We can’t both access the calendar – I manage it alone – but I also send him extra dates, for example, if a contact weekend is cancelled due to my vacation, so that he also has that in his calendar.

Adversity is the mother of wisdom.

On the other hand, I always reckon with unpredictability.

Whereas I’m more susceptible when we spend the vacations at home. When we travel, we’re just not there, and then he can go nuts if he wants to, that doesn’t bother me then. 

​What can you do if your Ex withdraws consent and vacation plans on short notice?

Please always focus on the child and not on your indignation about his impudence and lack of appreciation of your time!

If the child is looking forward to a vacation with daddy, then bite into the above-mentioned lemon and give in.

But take notes so that you can state facts for the next court case, in case the legal counsel wants to tell you that co-parenting is the best thing in the world after all and that it also works excellently with this man.

If the child doesn’t want to go on vacation with daddy anyway (and there is also a history of this that strengthens your conviction that your child will be better off if contact remains within the previously agreed framework), then remain stubborn and represent your child’s interests.

The bottom line is that you have no choice but to always take the EX factor into account in your planning: The unpredictability and tactics of this man must simply no longer surprise you.

So, for this year, the shoe is already on the other foot, but for next year, I recommend this approach:

• Clarify the wishes of the child’s father in January.
• Plan your own vacation accordingly; make sure that the closing times of the childcare are capped.
• What uncertainties are there? Eliminate these and communicate clearly so that there can be no misunderstandings (e.g. with the contact weekends).
• Consider Plan B in the back of your mind already. What if?

When it’s all finally managed, you deserve a wonderful vacation! You’ll rock it.

Happy Summer, my dear!