Mothers with narcissistic Ex-partners are quite often surprised.

Still living together, one could not believe how indifferently the former lover accepted the impending separation or – on the contrary – completely freaked out and showed a very ugly side.

 Later, in the first year of separation, you wondered again how the Ex – the much-admired, fantastic-looking chief physician with his well-groomed 60-hour week – suddenly managed to reduce his weekly hours to 30 in order to make an alternating residency model possible on a trial basis. He cares so much about “our dear children Luca and Nina – er Naomi”. He’s a hell of a guy and a delegating genius! The new, younger colleague also needs his chance…

 Then you can’t help but be amazed during the court hearings. What the man suffered when you were still a couple! You find out that you only took care of the children and were busy around the clock to let them grow up happy and carefree.

 He had virtually no choice but to get involved with the night nurse.

Men need sex. If you hadn’t let yourself go like that, it certainly wouldn’t have happened! Nothing turns you off more than women who only chortle around the children.

You see the judge’s understanding and blink your eyes in disbelief.

Stamp: Done.

You wonder even more in the course of the coming months. Of course, the alternating residency model on trial does not work for the small children, while organizationally the gentleman’s dear mom masters everything. 

While you think: “Oh, that would be proven, that doesn’t work, the little ones cry a lot and are completely upset – we’ll definitely get rid of that at the next hearing” you have to realize that the continuity principle – and the rights of the father – top everything else. Yes, even the child welfare.

Sorry, but you can unfortunately not take a valid position on this. You are the mother and so subjective! You are the mother hen, remember? 

Small children also have to be forced to be happy sometimes. Besides, the nice uncle of the guardian ad litem said that Luca, who is 4 years old, thinks that he likes to be with his father.

You may not have known the word “commitment intolerant” when you broke up. Rest assured – you will get to know the word.

The fact that you, as a proper mother hen, are also of the opinion that it is good if the children build a good and beautiful relationship with the father is somehow left out.

The fact that you have tried for years in the relationship and marriage to establish parenthood for a common, deep bond with the children, and just these failed efforts have led to the fact that you have separated, also remains unconsidered.

I’ll only mention in passing that the deal with the ex-partner made you the main caregiver with a stronger bond to the children (“You the children, I the career and thus the money!”). You know that anyway.

No, you may only claim the unattractive sides of the cliché for yourself, you mother hen!

So the years go by after the separation – one surprise follows the next.

​In the meantime, you know more about law than about bonding theory, because your Ex is filing one motion after the next in court. You are not yet on a first-name basis with the guardian ad litem (God forbid!), but your lawyer often invites you and the children to a barbecue in the garden at home and proudly shows you the swimming pool and sauna that he recently had installed. That he was only able to do this with your money, which you collected from your parents and friends to pay his fees, is something you can only imagine, but it’s better not to say it out loud.

Which is no surprise to you: the night nurse has now moved into the house you left with the kids.

“Well, have fun with that man!” you think to yourself. And you mentally wipe the sweat from your brow because you’ve put that time behind you. At least that!

But then – bam! The next surprise.

Factor EX for your mood in everyday life becomes factor XY. Because you receive your first SMS or WhatsApp message from the Next.

In which she asks you to teach the children how to behave towards other people, because the kids would be impossible towards her! And you please always give them clean clothes. After all, she wouldn’t be here to do the laundry, because if she has to go to an important dinner with the head of the clinic, Mr. Pusemuckel, on the same day, she won’t have time for the extra stress! At the end of the message it says that it breaks her heart to see her husband so close to tears, because you obviously let the children know that their father is the very worst. And please be careful what you tell your children about her. She herself has no children (but they are practicing diligently (giggle), but you know that you are not allowed to tell children something like that?

Slowly it dawns on you: A new dimension opens up in the stress with the Ex.

So. How do you deal with it now?

Not at all.

You ignore such messages. No answer. Neither short nor long.

Not your circus, not your monkey!

No Contact! also applies to the Next from the narcissistic Ex.

Also, don’t be fooled into thinking that the Next is a beast. A narcissist’s next is at the very beginning of a chain of experiences that you have already had.

You focus solely on the custody issues you need to resolve with the Ex. In a protected framework set up by you. And only your Ex is your contact person, not the Next.

Always realize: you don’t know what the Ex told his girlfriend / new wife to make himself popular and find an alliance partner.

You have to reckon with the fact that he lied the blue out of the sky.

Do you know the term triangulation? This is a manipulation technique via three corners. It’s most successful when you pull a string (in this case, the current wife), who then excitedly interferes as a proxy and approaches the former partner (i.e., you). And ultimately you’re the one dancing (or emotionally freaking out).

Two provide narcissistic energy furors – and one can sit back, relaxed and satiated.

So your task is to stop this energy supply by simply not reacting. Your feeling towards the Next should therefore not be anger, but rather pity. Unfortunately, the woman does not (yet) have the perspective that you have already gained.

Still, keep in mind: It’s not your job to enlighten them. You’d better let go.

How do you see it? Have you had a Next try to contact you directly? I look forward to your comment below.