Setting boundaries is often the issue for us, sweetheart! It’s particularly difficult at the beginning with a toxic ex and child’s father, because he is much more present than we would like in our everyday lives due to the child we have together, and it would actually be appropriate for us to detach ourselves from the narcissistic abuse.

I’m sure you’ve read about it dozens of times and I never tire of coming back to the topic.

In this article, I would like to give you an overview of the five most important boundaries that you should definitely be aware of.

And if you’re looking at me now and don’t know how to set them, I’ll help you with this question too.

Let’s get started.

Boundary 1: Keep communication via mobile phone to a minimum

Are you still communicating via WhatsApp or text messages about everyday child-related stuff? That may work for “normal” separating parents – but with a toxic father, you’re opening up all the flanks and letting him take control of your emotions.

And no – there’s no need to use WhatsApp, and you’re not obliged to! It may be perfectly valid for him to send a quick message that he’ll be late for the baby delivery in an hour – but anything important should be communicated via email.

Instant communication also invites you to reply quickly – and depending on how much the last message has triggered you, you may also write back in a suitably harsh manner.

Et voilà – you keep the energy cycle going between you. And he can also forward your ill-considered reply at any time.

Better: No WhatsApp and text messages only in a short-term emergency.

Not to mention making phone calls… Because it goes without saying that you shouldn’t pick up the phone straight away to give your irresponsible ex a good talking to, right?

Especially if your ex keeps calling you, it’s up to you to put a stop to it.

It’s one thing to wish for boundaries and demand that your ex stop his behaviour – but it’s entirely up to you to insist on them consistently.

Showing consistency doesn’t have to mean that you become mean and rude yourself! No, you remain objective, explain the new rules to him (which he won’t like, no question) and stick to them yourself.

There is strength in calm. After every message from him: sleep on it for at least one night and only then reply by email.

Which brings us to the next boundary:

Boundary No. 2: The separate email inbox

Do yourself a big favour and set up a separate email account for him – preferably with a different provider to the one you already use privately.

Keep communication with him separate from your private mail. There’s nothing worse than looking for an old confirmation from the insurance company and stumbling across a really violent, hateful and threatening email from your ex. The emotions are immediately back and present, flooding your head and heart.

Avoid this in advance.

The other provider also means you need a separate app to access the emails on your smartphone. You can then set the notifications to suit you. Ideally, you should not be notified if he has just sent an email.

Set one or two fixed times during the week when you check this mailbox.

Can you tell the difference?

It’s not him who decides when you deal with his concerns, but you.

Especially if the previous communication has been pretty bad for you, you have an important first lever here so that you can control your emotions better.

Before you open the mailbox, gather yourself together with empowering thoughts.

Nasty emails in which he is massively abusive in tone will not be answered. Full stop.

If you allow this to happen again and again and allow him to overstep his boundaries – by justifying yourself or getting excessively upset about his tone so that you are constantly exchanging energy – then this boundary is too vague or doesn’t exist at all.

​Boundary no. 3: Your inner attitude

Which comes first – the attitude shown on the outside, such as confidence and composure when dealing with your Ex, or the attitude on the inside?

I believe they are mutually dependent. You might start by reacting calmly on the outside and then feel calm on the inside.

Or you might start by working intensively on your inner attitude so that you can then show the effect on the outside.

What works best for you?

Let’s assume that the next time you meet your ex directly, you resolve to remain as calm as a rock, no matter what he throws at you.

However, your outward attitude will take the wind out of your ex’s sails. If you react like this a few times in a row, he will also withdraw in future – simply because you are no longer offering him your energy with this outward attitude.

If these gruelling, exhausting encounters actually become less and less emotionally intense, then this will increasingly become your inner attitude.

Practice makes perfect!

If you train the other way round – first intensively working on your inner balance and equilibrium, which then radiates more and more from you to the other person – then this will also work.

The main thing is to start thinking about your posture and start training. ?

Boundary no. 4: Respect your child’s relationships

This is especially the case at the beginning of the separation from a toxic man, when we are gradually coming to terms with the emotional abuse, our greatest concern is for our child.

How can we protect them from this father?

This is also a question of inner attitude, Sweetheart.

Suppose you thought that nothing better could have happened to you than this man – because you now have the opportunity to fundamentally work on the underlying reasons why a narcissist was able to latch on to you like this back then.

And let’s also assume that you transfer this attitude to your child. That nothing better than this father could happen to him, because he can grow and learn from it just like you.

And have you next to him as a guiding, conscious pole and lighthouse.

Yes, I know that’s strong stuff and I can understand if you need to take a breath right now. Of course I wouldn’t wish a narcissist on any child as a father!

But if the situation is the way it is, you only have two options: Either to boycott it – and get into a lot of trouble with the authorities and the court – or to radically accept it and then make the best of the situation.

This means clearly separating the relationship between the child and its father from the relationship between you and him as a former partner.

Continue to accept the relationship between the child and their other toxic relatives and facilitate it where necessary.

Of course, toxic people will always try to manipulate the child and will be more or less successful in doing so (in the short term rather than the long term).

You won’t be able to prevent this – unfortunately!

However, if you learn to master this boundary, you will bring a lot of calm to your own relationship with the child.

One more small point: the above does not apply to sexual abuse – in my eyes, a father who sexually abuses his child has lost the right to be a father. That’s why I will always support you mentally in obtaining an exclusion of contact in court and sole custody.

In cases of emotional abuse – the standard weapon of toxic people – you can act sensitively and sensitively and act as a role model for your child by showing him how to deal with it.

They will always encounter toxic people, so they will be well equipped to recognise them quickly and can adopt the right attitude straight away.

Boundary no. 5: Love yourself

As you get more and more involved with the topic of setting boundaries, you will inevitably be confronted with how much you are worth to yourself.

Anyone who allows their own boundaries – which are highly individual – to be repeatedly violated by others is also proving that they are not worthy of having their own boundaries.

What are you worth to yourself? What are your emotions worth to you? Even: How valuable is your life? What do you think?

If I love and respect myself, then I place a very high value on the questions above.

And if my life is important to me – not just the physical, but also the emotional existence – then it is much easier for me to insist on basic boundaries and to defend them clearly and calmly.

If, on the other hand, I realise that everyone around me – including my children – treats me like rubbish, then the question remains as to how I treat myself.

How do you talk to yourself?

Do you often scold yourself?

Do you smile about your weaknesses, do you forgive yourself for your mistakes, just as you would expect your girlfriend to do if you had made a mistake and apologised?

We are often the harshest judges of ourselves!

If you start to look at the topic of mindfulness towards yourself, you will become more and more aware of this inner voice and can therefore accept it more easily and actively change it.

Keep your eyes open for everything that crosses your path so that you can continue to develop in this area.

What are your current boundaries, sweetheart? What do you still need to work on, what have you already successfully achieved? Write it in the comments and share with other mums who are still at the very beginning what is possible. Thank you very much!