This article is aimed at all community educators, quasi-mediators, childcare consultants or other people who offer court-mandated parent counseling.

Let me ask you a small question in advance: How do you feel about your job? Are you satisfied? Before you go to bed at night, can you consider the majority of the conversations you have been involved in as successful?

Do you feel a deep sense of satisfaction that you were able to help?

I assume that you have chosen this career path in a spirit of idealism. Wanting to help others is one of the most honorable goals one can choose in life.

So I salute you for following this calling!

It’s certainly not always easy. A mindful society definitely needs people like you who are committed to improving relationships.

With this article, I would like to draw your attention to a particular aspect of your work that is close to my heart.

I am a coach for mothers with toxic ex-partners. For a more detailed explanation: by toxic, I mean the broad field of (narcissistic) personality disorders.

Mothers usually turn to me when they no longer know how to put a stop to the everyday nastiness of their children’s father.

Mothers come to me when they experience the ex as an all-powerful bully who threatens to destroy them, bleed them financially, and take away the most important thing they have: their children.

They come to me when they have to prepare for court hearings regarding custody or visitation rights or the alternating custody schedule.

And now, affected mothers even come to me when they have been ordered by the court to attend a parenting counseling session with their ex. That’s because they have already experienced a number of such counseling sessions in which they were downright traumatized.

Yes, you read that right.

Can you imagine that? That people involved could be traumatized in a conversation with you, in which you only want to help?

Isn’t it crazy that women seek help and coaching before accepting a state offer of help?

That was really not my intention when I specialized as a coach in this niche over two years ago! That’s why I rub my eyes in disbelief, just like you are now.

That’s why I have to write this text. Because that must not be the case.

What exactly is the issue?

Narcissistically disturbed personalities can have a very engaging and convincing manner. They are often very charming, hold very good professional positions and are very good at talking.

The catch: they are fundamentally convinced that they are right and do nothing wrong. At the same time, they project their own deeply negative attitude and hatred onto anyone who opposes them.

No matter what the other person says, they keep twisting and turning and regurgitating the same argument until they’re going around in circles and getting nowhere.

They’ll lie through their teeth to do it, whether it’s in court or in front of third parties at a parenting advice session.

Next time, just see how often one party shows genuine bafflement and surprise when it is their turn to speak. They are worked up into a rage. Then, most likely, they will say, “But that’s not true!” – but you have to intervene, because the person who is speaking cannot be interrupted.

So the mother sits there and has to listen to one lie after another. She becomes more and more distraught.

And that’s not all.

Elements of a toxic relationship are characterized above all by constant emotional abuse. These men don’t hit with their fists or hands, but with words, with a mocking tone and a stern look.

Mothers who come out of such relationships have been traumatized for years. They sense and anticipate possible reactions and are therefore extremely afraid of their ex-partner’s verbal abuse.

What may sound like a “normal statement” to your innocent, pedagogical ears in a parenting counseling session can trigger a whole range of violent memories in the woman and contain hidden threats that the ex has been diligently planting in her mind for weeks and months.

For example

He says: “Yes, I’m with a new woman now. We’re going to fly to Spain with the kids this summer for vacation.”

She knows he hates Spain and never wanted to go there with her, even though she has family there herself.

Or: ”My new wife is pregnant. It’s a planned child.”

She knows that he didn’t want a third child and has told her so repeatedly. This comment alone is a slap in the face, especially since he could have told her this beforehand. But he would rather use the counseling session for such bombshell news.

Or he says, “I took a step back professionally to have more time for my children. But she doesn’t allow the alternating model.”

She knows that for years before the separation, she pleaded with him to come home earlier and spend more time with the children. Even on weekends, he was constantly away and preferred activities with his buddies to those with his family. We constantly argued about it. Even now, after the separation, when he sees the children every other week, his mother usually looks after them because he continues to prioritize his hobbies. She also knows how important it is for him to get ahead professionally. Especially since he told her right at the beginning that he would do everything he could to avoid paying child support.

Can she respond like that? Of course not – it sounds like an accusation or a justification. And nothing makes a woman weaker than justifying herself.

Another aspect is the ex’s accusations regarding various “offenses” of the mother. Every little thing she is supposed to have done wrong is brought up. Things that he would do himself, but which he accuses his ex-partner and mother of his children of doing.

We all know that nobody is perfect. But a woman who comes from a toxic relationship with an empathy-free tyrant has completely lost her self-esteem and self-confidence over the years.

She constantly questions herself. If she is then attacked for a mistake, she automatically feels guilty and small.

The woman has her back up against the wall emotionally.

If you then nod, it’s almost as if you’re validating and “approving” what the ex is saying. (Of course I know that’s not really the case, but that’s how it feels for women, and I hope you can understand what I mean.)

The mother, who had actually hoped that a third person with specialist knowledge would quickly recognize the kind of person her ex is during the parental counseling session and stand up to him, has to watch helplessly as the ex is able to manipulate the professional with his polished speech and now both form an alleged front against her.

A woman who should actually be protected by the support system experiences herself as defenseless.

Can she get rid of what is bothering her?

She’ll be careful. Perhaps she used to do so naively, but then found that he later used it against her. After a joint consultation with a third party, he knows even more things about her that he will later ruthlessly exploit in order to continue the emotional abuse via the children.

In the worst case, he makes a scene and becomes hostile as soon as the counseling session is over, in the middle of the street.

Sooner or later, she will have to learn to protect herself by trying to reveal as little as possible and by bringing friends who are present before and after the counseling session to avoid being alone with the man.

And above all, by avoiding as far as possible further mediation or counseling sessions.

However, if these are forced by the court, she is in a difficult position. All the more so since it does not stop at one appointment, but the court requires a whole series of counseling sessions before the proceedings can continue.

I can understand very well that women come to me and ask me what tips I can give them to help them get through it mentally.

Hence my appeal to you

1)The worst thing that mothers can experience in your counseling rooms is when you take sides with the toxic ex.

You become an accomplice to emotional abuse.

Of course, the honor of mediation forbids this, but hand on heart – can you completely absolve yourself of it?

On the other hand, neutrality must not be taken to such an extreme that you do not react when a bully gets going and starts to use abusive language or to raise his voice.

In that case, I expect you to end the conversation and send the bully home. It would be nice if you could then talk to the woman for another 10-15 minutes so that she feels seen and acknowledged, and to confirm that what he did was really not okay.

That alone is balm for the soul!

2) Inform yourself about narcissistic personality disorders

so that you can more easily identify certain behavioral, linguistic, and facial expressions. And that’s regardless of whether you’re dealing with toxic fathers or toxic mothers, who undoubtedly also exist.

3) End the charade as soon as you realize which way the wind is blowing

Help end the series of talks and quickly certify that the party in question is not helping. Put an end to this madness so that no one has to struggle through it anymore.

So that you have time for those cases in which parents are indeed at odds, but both have mature personalities. Cases in which both are willing to accept that the other parent is just as comfortable with the jointly negotiated solution as they are.

Because that’s the only way conflict resolution talks can be successful.

For my part, I will continue to recommend to my clients that they do not enter into any mediation or counseling sessions with their toxic ex-partner – at least not voluntarily.

What is your view on this? Please feel free to comment below.